My entire life has been dictated by my desire to be liked and be useful to others. You might think, “Wow! That doesn’t actually sound too bad!” Yet for me, it is an inescapable curse. Ever since I was young, I’ve always been an awkward individual. I was very shy around my peers, which now I know was an effect of anxiety. So I didn’t exactly blend in very well. I remember my first mental breakdown, the first time I thought “I want to die”, I was quite young at the time, maybe 6 or 7. I went to a classmates birthday party, because back then the whole class was invited to a birthday, not just the child’s friends. The first half of the event went as you’d expect from a shy child. It wasn’t particularly smooth sailing, but it wasn’t a catastrophe. About halfway through the party everyone started changing into their swimsuits. You see their family had a pool, and I had forgotten to bring a swimsuit, or maybe I didn’t have one, I don’t remember. Anyways, the mother of the birthday child offered to lend me one of their son’s swimsuits, but I refused. So while everyone was having fun, I instead laid on the trampoline in the middle of the summer under a clear sunny day for more than likely a few hours. Eventually the parents saw me, not to mention I was crying my eyes out, and called my parents to pick me up. You can imagine that things would be rather difficult going back to school next fall with a lot of the same people from the party in my class. Truthfully I don’t remember much of that year, if any at all. This served as the first step in my decent towards depression. I thought that nobody liked me, and they probably didn’t, and that was a huge blow for me. So rather than try to get them to like me, I wanted to be useful to them. Sharing my homework, doing the majority of group projects, of course this started a few years later when such things were actually useful rather than indignant. Needless to say, this continued for most of my school career until I was more or less singled out as severely unpopular. Then I couldn’t even be useful to people. So I just gave up on it for a while, while I sunk into a very deep depression. Even to this day, this mentality still haunts me. I have a severe problem saying no to almost anyone, which usually ends up in me getting in something way over my head. It also was one of the reasons I got so addicted to gambling, because I felt special (when I was winning at least). If you’re anything like me, the best thing for you to do is be selfish every once in a while, say no to things or people, and remember that not everyone is going to like you. I sure wish I had found this out years ago when it was easier to change my habits. Nevertheless I am still trying my hardest to rid myself of this mentality, any way I can.
By the way, to celebrate 100 followers on my personal blog The Smiles We Bear I’ve published the remaining chapters of my story Dark Fantasies (which you can read the first chapter for free here on the Bipolar Writer Blog, or on my blog. But if you like it, the whole story is on sale for kindle products >here< for only 99 cents!! I would greatly appreciate it if you checked it out