the thoughts of a schizoaffective patient

Today I sit and wonder what things would be like if i didn’t have a mental illness. I think about it’d be different if I didn’t have them. Although I remember I wouldn’t be me without them. Even though I hate my disorders they make me myself. I would feel lonely without the voices in my head.  I would feel bad for the people in my life. they wouldn’t be able to say that they knew an incredible person. I feel like everything would be simpler without the disorders, but having them makes me an interesting person. I wouldn’t have you guys listening to me if I didn’t have these disorders. You guys have inspired me to write day after day. To be honest if it wasn’t for and my support group i wouldn’t be here today.

I think about what makes me me. I wouldn’t like myself if I didn’t have these disorders. I know you probably think that I’m a complete mess. I am . I’m not going to deny it. I’m tired of hiding from my family, friends, and work. I’m hiding the dark reality of how the disorders affect me. I’m scared of what they’ll think about me. So I hide from everyone. sometimes I don’t know what to think about the world anymore. It seems like the world is just getting darker and darker. Although i see mostly in black and white; I’m starting to see in shades of grey. 

thank you for listening,

Bri 

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8 Replies to “the thoughts of a schizoaffective patient”

  1. My ex (and the father of my kids) was diagnosed Schizo-Affective in 2003. He routinely goes off his meds and has manic episodes – during the last, just a few months ago, he decided he was going to walk from Geelong to Bacchus Marsh, which is 12-18 hours away by foot. Do you get these sorts of compulsions? Just curious. Everyone’s always said he’s a bit odd, but in a good way. He’s not violent but has wild mood swings. One time he barely spoke to me for three weeks (when we were living together). I still love him and probably always will. Just remember that you are not your illness, your quirks are probably just as much your personality as a part of your illness and it doesn’t define you. It just amplifies what’s already there.

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  2. I like to think that there are 3 kinds of pain: undeserved pain, instructive pain, and pain that comes from progress. I like to think mental illnesses are, most of the time, the second one – instructive. When they give us tremendous pain, it is telling us we need to learn something, to change something. They are part of us because they are our inner selves telling our conscious selves that there is work to be done. So, they may not be fun. But, I don’t consider them alien to myself. Does that make sense?

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  3. Thank you for the follow. I can relate to some of what you’ve been through. My suicide ideations stopped after I got off seizure medication. I didn’t have them that often and decided having a seizure was infinitely better than suicide, especially since I really did not want to do it! After reading several of your posts I decided to do a blog on what I went through.

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