I must walk through a door once again on this journey— a door to a new psychiatrist.
It seems that change is always in store for me, and to end 2018 that has not changed much.
I have not written in a while here on The Bipolar Writer blog, because it has been a rough couple of weeks. My life has hit a rough patch with my social anxiety, which is typical of this time of the year. December seems to always be my worst month when it comes to my anxiety. There was hope at the start of 2018 that by now I would have a grasp on my social anxiety. It hasn’t happened though I have made some progress.
I recently met with another psychiatrist in the revolving door that is my local county run behavioral, mental health system. It is a pain in the ass to once again share my story with another psychiatrist. This is the third doctor change this year which continues the long tradition of changing doctors 2-3 times a year. I wish that I could find some normalcy in the system, but it makes sense. Doctors come and go in this business.
That brings me to the recent pull away from creativity because of my mental illness–my writing. The last two weeks the need that drove me all summer to finally put the finishing touches on my memoir, to continue to grow my blog, and start new projects has eluded me.
What I like to call this part of my mental health life is when creativity and mental health collide. Three times over the past two weeks I sat in front of my computer ready to take on the world. I sat there, in front of my computer staring off into the blank nothingness on the screen. What did I have that was so important to share on my blog? My mind was reeling. So much was happening and this was the place where sharing my story was so easy.
I tried to move on from blogging and write a new chapter in my memoir (recently I thought that it might be a good idea to add some chapters to my story.) My mind was drawing a blank. My anxiety was peaking, and it was impossible to make the words that usually come so easy to make sense. I decided to walk away for a few days. I considered never blogging again. I have blogged so much over the past year that it felt as if I had nothing left to say.
True enough, that was my mental health talking. It happens when my mental health and my creativity collide. I love blogging here on The Bipolar Writer blog. It means the world to me. I have so much more to talk about on every subject under the moon. It was a momentary weakness that I fought hard and won. I will be writing a lot of upcoming content for this blog. It is so important that we stick together and fight the stigma.
Stay strong in the fight.
Always Keep Fighting
James
Photo Credit:
Sometimes you have to let go. Let loose. Unleash. The strongest creativity has never come from sheer calmness. It has always come from the feeling of devastation wrapping one’s life in a bind. Pain should be your motive and also your inspiration. Don’t just talk about pain. Describe it. Describe it like it’s a pleasure, or that it’s both pleasurable and painful and you cannot tell the difference.
I’ve always been opposed to taking medicine for what they diagnosed me with: I entered a hospital, listed my “symptoms” and they diagnosed me with Schizophrenia, Asperger’s, Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar I, and “Suicidal Ideations”. You know what I called it? “Mixing ingredients into a Martini.” They want to make it complex, but in my mind, I am just myself. I have to take medicine, not for any of these things, but just out of the simple wisdom that if you want to stay sane, sometimes you have to give up what you want the most. And what I wanted the most was control. I am not Superman, though.
As for the writing, there has been no greater brilliance throughout any of the classical writers than from the writing through their misery, whether personally experienced or observed.
It sounds to me like you’re in a slump, and whether mentally ill or not, all writers and artists alike get into those.
The trick is to know what has inspired you in the past, or to know exactly what gets you out of bed in the morning. For no one is dead unless they remain still.
LikeLiked by 6 people
I am clinically depressed and this time of year, short days and low sunlight cause me both an increase in my fragmented mind and a decrease in productivity as far as my writing is concerned. I am attempting to complete a book which is impossible under current circumstance…I’m like a jumping bean from here to there and back again. Unlike you, I tend to concentrate on a blog post because it is shorter and usually a subject that keeps me from jumping as much. I find “writing through my misery” helps the fragmentation in my mind. Hope you are able to write a bunch very soon.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Stay strong my friend. I know depression this time of year all to well. I am lucky to be better with my depression as of late.
LikeLike
Hello fellow blogger. You read my article yesterday “who’s your gut”. I am a mental health therapist since 12 years. I invite you to research more the link between serotonin produced in the guts, abdominal treatment such acupuncture and depression and anxiety. Another article I also wrote is called “let it be let it go” it is worth a read. It is about anxiety. Medication is surely not the only solution. There is a lot of scientific methods out there to help you. There is a lot you can do. Maybe you did already but one thing is important to know : control over your own brain is possible and there is strong hope.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I am Bipolar 1 and I was in the county mental health system for years, seeing a different p-doc every time I went. Not having continuity is awful and I was never truly stable. I don’t know your situation fully, but I would recommend a private psychiatrist as soon as it is financially feasible. It literally changed my life. Your creativity depends on your stability, so consider that as you go forward in treatment.
Aside from that, patience is our best friend. I wish you well and hope you find your creative spark soon.
LikeLiked by 2 people
It all comes down to become financially stable, which I am not right now. For now, I will continue to work within the system.
LikeLike
I understand that, and yes, do stay in treatment. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Similarly, I am having difficulty writing right now. I have so many ideas, but when it comes to writing them out, my mind draws a blank. Your blog is amazing, never give up, even on those bad days! xo
LikeLiked by 1 person
You just battle on and do your best. It’s a tough time of year for a lot of us, but we’re all behind you. Katie
LikeLiked by 2 people
💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m sorry it’s been rough and I’m right there with you. This really helped me and I hope things look up for you. “When creativity and mental health collide.” Damn. Stay strong, keep fighting.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Stay strong as well my friend.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so sorry. Some people love to glorify mental health and how “the smartest and most creative people all had depression.” Unfortunately, having a poor mental health is not a crowning achievement, nor is it something that should be stigmatized. It’s a complicated situation and I hope everything works out well for you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think I would give up if my psychiatrist changed that often 😦 I really wish you could find a good fit and some stability.
LikeLike
Love the post! Love you for writing with honesty & transparency!! 🌞🌻💛
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. That is what I strive for when writing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s ok to feel a writers block and it’s even better to feel it and still write about the writers block. Keep writing whatever comes to mind, even if it doesn’t make sense. You are helping so many others and you will make progress!
LikeLike
Thank you. I am back on track and there will be more content in the coming weeks.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The quiet time was needed and it takes strength to stop and take care of yourself. Well done on bouncing back!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I really enjoy reading your posts. It gives me positive encouragement.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am happy to hear. It helps me as well to share my experiences. More to come the rest of the month.
LikeLike
I have been trying to do that more and reach out to people to be like “hey. I am still human too.” Because there is a lot of mental health stigma out there.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It is. All too often those of us with mental illnesses fade into the background. You exist and you’re amazing!
LikeLike
Thank you! You too! It’s just sad to here about how many of us are denied jobs because we have mental illness
LikeLiked by 1 person
It also makes me feel not alone
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know the feeling.
LikeLike
I needed this today more than ever. Writing is everything to me, but I just can’t seem to find the motivation or the desire.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know the feeling but that is a part of writing. You can always find yourself again. I hope my post helped motive.
LikeLike
Keep writing, don’t ever ever give up, you have a gift, remember that. fight through the darkness, you can do it, I love your writing, my year has been bad to, my son suffers through similar as you, and I have in the past as well, we are an army, stay strong!
LikeLike
Reblogged this on This Bipolar Brat.
LikeLiked by 1 person