A Christmas Eve Panic Attack Story
Last night sucked.
I found myself lost in the clutches of a panic attack–again. I hate the winter months. I am not sure if it is the cold or something else, but my anxiety spirals worse at this time of the year.
Last night was a culmination of a lot of things, but my thoughts were the all-consuming the previous night. I could not find a place where things were good. The main issue on my mind… my ongoing struggles with my Seroquel. It has been on my mind a lot lately. I rely on it do the most important thing when it comes to my mental health–sleep. Sure, it helps keep my mania and depression in check as well, but as I can track my thoughts over the past year, it has become clear that a part of my night time panic attacks happen after I take my Seroquel for sleep.
The worst part for me when it comes to panic attacks is losing who I am, and a part of me leaves me–hope. I can feel myself losing control, and when I can’t breathe, I feel helpless. I hate anxiety and panic attacks because of the loss of control. I need to be in control of myself to feel right. It is the only way that I survive the daily grind of anxiety.
From the moment that I wake up in the morning, I fight a battle with anxiety. I have the occasional moment of peace, but these are a rare thing. There is something about this time of year. It has been that way the last three years. The crazy thing is my anxiety was not always consuming; there was a time where anxiety was just something that happened on occasion.
I can trace my current issues back to 2016. I had my first massive panic attack in years. I was driving, and I lost control. I was hospitalized. It sucked in the worst way. Before that moment I had relative peace with my anxiety. As I began to conquer my depression, my old friend anxiety decided it was time to come back into my life.
I remember early on in diagnosis when my anxiety was this bad. I understood anxiety less than I do now, and what worked was an increase in my Ativan. I eventually got to a place where anxiety was not an everyday thing.
I know this is not a forever thing. I know I have to do better in 2019 to finally tackle these issues head-on because there are so many positive things for me coming in the new year. There is always hope and fighting for better mental health. Yesterday is not today, and I can only go up from here.
Stay strong in the fight.
Always Keep Fighting