My Last Panic Attack – An Anxiety​ Story​

aaron-blanco-tejedor-768029-unsplash.jpgA Christmas Eve Panic Attack Story

Last night sucked.

I found myself lost in the clutches of a panic attack–again. I hate the winter months. I am not sure if it is the cold or something else, but my anxiety spirals worse at this time of the year.

Last night was a culmination of a lot of things, but my thoughts were the all-consuming the previous night. I could not find a place where things were good. The main issue on my mind… my ongoing struggles with my Seroquel. It has been on my mind a lot lately. I rely on it do the most important thing when it comes to my mental health–sleep. Sure, it helps keep my mania and depression in check as well, but as I can track my thoughts over the past year, it has become clear that a part of my night time panic attacks happen after I take my Seroquel for sleep.


The worst part for me when it comes to panic attacks is losing who I am, and a part of me leaves me–hope. I can feel myself losing control, and when I can’t breathe, I feel helpless. I hate anxiety and panic attacks because of the loss of control. I need to be in control of myself to feel right. It is the only way that I survive the daily grind of anxiety.

From the moment that I wake up in the morning, I fight a battle with anxiety. I have the occasional moment of peace, but these are a rare thing. There is something about this time of year. It has been that way the last three years. The crazy thing is my anxiety was not always consuming; there was a time where anxiety was just something that happened on occasion.

I can trace my current issues back to 2016. I had my first massive panic attack in years. I was driving, and I lost control. I was hospitalized. It sucked in the worst way. Before that moment I had relative peace with my anxiety. As I began to conquer my depression, my old friend anxiety decided it was time to come back into my life.


I remember early on in diagnosis when my anxiety was this bad. I understood anxiety less than I do now, and what worked was an increase in my Ativan. I eventually got to a place where anxiety was not an everyday thing.

I know this is not a forever thing. I know I have to do better in 2019 to finally tackle these issues head-on because there are so many positive things for me coming in the new year. There is always hope and fighting for better mental health. Yesterday is not today, and I can only go up from here.

Stay strong in the fight.

Always Keep Fighting


Photo Credit:

Jéssica Oliveira

Aarón Blanco Tejedor

Hailey Kean

Jon Tyson

22 Replies to “My Last Panic Attack – An Anxiety​ Story​”

  1. Anxiety is the “fight or flight” response that signals danger. It’s the defense mechanism within the lower brain, or reptilian brain, and has been with humans since we took our first steps. A better cure for anxiety is not a pill. It is exercise. Without exercise and movement, you are stuck in one position and forced to dwell on your troubles. As you get into the habit of movement, you are less in the habit of staying still. Your body will adjust to that, and so will your mind, believing it should do, rather than to merely think.

    Without exercise, you won’t have the will to do anything. Without it, you won’t know rest, because of the adrenaline that is generated from the Vagus Nerve signaling danger. Your body will continually know motion without motion. But whatever is bothering you, if it is an issue you are trying to ignore, then do well to not ignore it.

    The brain is divided into three areas. Upper, middle, and lower. The upper would not exist without the middle and lower, because the upper represents peace and serenity. The lower represents survival, and the middle represents creation. Therefore, you cannot reach peace if you do not climb that ladder of your brain, from the nothing to the something to find your peace.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. This amazing and I understand where you are coming from. I admit this time of year working out is the furthest from my mind. There is no time like the present to start again.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Well… the New Year is arriving. 2019. Write some resolutions down, since you are a writer like I am. Make some improvements and better yourself. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  2. It’s great to see you being so positive, even after all you’ve done already faced and knowing what is to come 💗 As I always tell one of my friends, keep climbing your mountain. You are not alone. Happy holidays 🎄

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I can totally relate to the feeling of anxiety the moment you wake up and open your eyes. But it does pass . Keep fighting . My therapist told me not to fight the anxiety accept and move on with your day and it did help me . Hope you overcome this

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Maybe losing control is not the problrm maybe it is the solution. Let yourself lose it. It is the real problem that you try so hard to be in control. Let it go. You will be afraid first but if yıu just bare it a little bit longer you will feel free

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I know I do too. When I let it go my world is shaking but after that I feel free. You will too. Face fear of the unknown

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Anxiety is such a beast! It eats at your sleep, which then causes more anxiety! I recently tried a new bedtime routine and so far so good! I have a weighted blanket, I take a very small dose of melatonin, and I listen to brain waves. It has worked like a charm so far! I thought the brainwave thing was a crazy idea until I gave it ago. Let me know if you are interested, and I can give you some info! I was going to write a blog about it soon once I was sure it was working :).

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I am not sure if your anxiety is worse or if it is related to the Ativan. My Klonopin made my anxiety worse and now that I am not on it anymore I have little to no anxiety after suffering with severe anxiety for over twenty-five years and I was on Klonopin for twenty years. Benzos like Ativan and Klonopin work at first and after time they no longer work but crave more and put you in a state of withdrawal syndrom that mimics anxiety. I didn’t understand this until I lived it and it happened to me. I know everyone is different with their experiences with meds. but I want to share my experinces in case it will help others.


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