As the first day of the year comes to a close, I image myself on the edge of a cliff that is up high in the sky. I am able to look out at the setting sun, see birds soar through the air and clouds billow alongside them.
Beyond that, it is all uncertainty.
All of my usual worries are spinning around in my mind. The main one is a question I’ve asked myself forever: am I enough?
I’m 25 so I’m classified as a member of the motley group of millennial assholes.
For a while I’ve been feeling this millennial pressure to always be working. Maybe it’s the Instagram accounts I follow or what I see from my Facebook friends, but I feel like there is this idea that we have to always be working in order to succeed.
That if you are not making a stride towards making money or achieving your goals, you’re wasting your time. That you are lazy, unmotivated and worthless.
I worry that I am falling behind because I am “not enough.” That I would be some sort of success if I stopped letting myself rest.
For a long time I did not take enough time to rest. It really weighed on my mental health which is why I have started to relax after work and make time for fun on weekends.
But then my anxiety makes me feel guilty about it.
It says, “Megan, you would be so much more successful if you were working harder. You would be making more money if you got another writing gig. Instead you go home to watch anime and YouTube. What a waste of time!”
Something a former friend of mine said to me rings in my mind. She rattled off all of these other mutual friends who she found to be successful. I was not on her exclusive list which still makes me feel like a failure after many months.
I wonder again and again, is she right? Am I a failure because of the choices I have made? Have I already sealed my fate as someone who will never accomplish anything?
I plan to discuss this all with my therapist on Friday. We have had this conversation many times but I think it’s time to have it again.
I’m not sure if it’s the “new year, new me” mentality but it’s got me quite anxious.
Wishing all of you a wonderful 2019! May we all continue to surmount our problems and make peace within our minds.