I was searching my brain for something to write before I head to bed, like most things it is always hardest to maintain writing on a daily basis. I have written so much lately that I feel writers jetlag. Then my thoughts kinda wondered around a subject that seems to be on my mind in my free time–the feeling of being alone.
I love when my mind wanders because it gives me a chance to really analyze where I am at in the present. Throughout my life, I try to stay in the present because I can get lost and depressed thinking about the past. (By the way, this scene above from Les Miserables is how I imagine being alone is for someone like me.) I am always so closed off when it comes to letting someone into my life. I made a promise to myself long ago that when my life was back together, I could think about having a future with someone.
The thing is… I never thought I’d find my way. The last three years have been amazing. I finished goals that seemed impossible just a few years ago.
I am in a better place, but there is a part of me that still feels as if I am not worthy of being happy. I always thought that happiness was for others, that this mental illness life, a life sentence, meant that I would never let anyone into my life.
Writing my blog has really changed my perspective in this life and opening up. I surprise myself every day that I write a new blog post. Who knew I would be so willing to share my story. Yet, there is still that part of me that believes that this is as good as it gets. I would be okay with being alone. It comes naturally to me. This is a new year. I am such a different person.
I apologize if I have written about this subject before, when you write as much as I do, you tend to move on from blog posts once they are published. At the same time, these types of posts keep me sane. I guess at this point it is just letting life come to me, and if I find someone who could be a part of this life (which I once had) I will be sure not to let her go.
Stay strong my friends.
Always Keep Fighting