Some Random Thoughts From The Bipolar Writer

I was searching my brain for something to write before I head to bed, like most things it is always hardest to maintain writing on a daily basis. I have written so much lately that I feel writers jetlag. Then my thoughts kinda wondered around a subject that seems to be on my mind in my free time–the feeling of being alone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EOla4fbRFM
Seriously, Les Miserables is one of the best musicals ever.

I love when my mind wanders because it gives me a chance to really analyze where I am at in the present. Throughout my life, I try to stay in the present because I can get lost and depressed thinking about the past. (By the way, this scene above from Les Miserables is how I imagine being alone is for someone like me.) I am always so closed off when it comes to letting someone into my life. I made a promise to myself long ago that when my life was back together, I could think about having a future with someone.

The thing is… I never thought I’d find my way. The last three years have been amazing. I finished goals that seemed impossible just a few years ago.

I am in a better place, but there is a part of me that still feels as if I am not worthy of being happy. I always thought that happiness was for others, that this mental illness life, a life sentence, meant that I would never let anyone into my life.

Writing my blog has really changed my perspective in this life and opening up. I surprise myself every day that I write a new blog post. Who knew I would be so willing to share my story. Yet, there is still that part of me that believes that this is as good as it gets. I would be okay with being alone. It comes naturally to me. This is a new year. I am such a different person.

I apologize if I have written about this subject before, when you write as much as I do, you tend to move on from blog posts once they are published. At the same time, these types of posts keep me sane. I guess at this point it is just letting life come to me, and if I find someone who could be a part of this life (which I once had) I will be sure not to let her go.

Stay strong my friends.

Always Keep Fighting

James

unsplash-logoJacob Dyer

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23 Replies to “Some Random Thoughts From The Bipolar Writer”

  1. I’m pretty cool with being alone, too. I think it really is easier. But a part of me misses having someone to turn to and share my happy news or my hard times. Not enough to do anything about it, but I totally understand what you mean. 🙂

  2. Hello! Thank you for sharing. I was wondering if you had heard or seen of this new film: ‘Crazywise’. I have only seen the trailer for now, but am somewhat keen to watch it.

    Anyway, I only now am learning to be truly alone (after a long term relationship that has recently ended) and since Jan 3rd, I am consciously grateful and appreciative of this time (alone) that I have. I feel there’s a lot of pressure to be in relationships with romantic partners etc and to share one’s life with another as a life long ambition. For the first time in my short life (seriously) it’s not what I am currently seeking. If it happens, so it shall be, but it is no longer my main obsession. What do you think about this type of pressure to share one’s life with another? Is it the country I live in that projects it culturally into the society I’m a part of? Or is it vividly present where you are too?

    Thank you for having kept up with your own commitment to writing everyday and making your story/thoughts heard. I aim to do the same. It’s nice not to do it alone!

    Stay strong.

  3. I totally understand the feeling of dealing with a mental illness I was diagnosed with depression my senior year of high school. I’ve struggled and for the longest time wanted to be alone as well. I’m so glad blogging has helped you and that you feel better now than you did. I hope things keep going up for you and that your year turns out amazing 😊

      1. I don’t know why it wouldn’t post my first reply which is actually the second one on here so I apologize for blowing up your comments. Also thank you for sharing your story and I wish you all the best

  4. It’s very brave of you to feel comfortable sharing your life with your audience. I too suffer from a mental illness. I was diagnosed with depression about 8 years ago. So I understand the struggle. I’m happy to hear you’re in a better place now and that blogging helps. Les miserable is an amazing movie. I watched it in theaters and fell in love. I don’t know any French but the story line was beautiful. I hope your year goes wonderfully for you and you continue to stay as positive as you can.

  5. I admire you being ok with being alone. I’ve learned I’m co dependent so this year I’m working on loving me yet I have someone in my life I met before realizing this all. Thankfully as of yet it hasn’t been toxic like So many before. Yet to be ok with being alone would be refreshing. Hope that all made sense 😀

    1. It makes perfect sense. I am happy to you hear you a working on loving yourself. One of the things I always tell people (I stole it from the AKF campaign) is to love yourself first. It is very healing.

  6. It’s taken me YEARS to accept and be happy with being alone. I always felt that I NEEDED someone else to complete me. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been. Thanks for writing, James. <3

  7. I think a lot of us have mixed feelings about being alone and opening up to people. I’ve found blogging has freed me from the fear of judgement from other people, there are so many of us in a similar place and we gain strength from the support we give and receive.
    Keep writing James x

  8. This truly touch my heart. I can relate to so many feelings that you so bravely shared. Thank you for writing this wonderful blog post. Much love and light your way! 💕

      1. That little typo (this truly “touch” my heart) is gnawing at my mind. I wish there was a way to edit it. 🙄 But since there isn’t one (that I know of) let me rewrite it in the hope that my OCD monster will shut the fuck up after this. “This truly touched my heart.”
        There. Please feel free to ignore this comment. Or, delete both of my comments.

  9. I understand the wanting to be alone and trying to figure yourself out first. I will say that finding someone that can take this journey with me has literally been a life saver. My husband has been with me and has drug me out of some of my worst times. Having him and my children has given me a whole new purpose and a whole new reason. I think if you find the right person that you can open up to and trust, life will be that much sweeter!

  10. You wonder if this is as good as it gets or that you would be alone. Don’t wonder.

    Life isn’t a path from here to there. It’s a meandering amble where you see sights that you never thought of. It’s meeting people and sharing part of the trip. It’s about trust and sharing and sometimes diverging paths.

    The path will not be what you’ve been expecting (and it’ll certainly keep on changing). It may not meet the expectations of others or what society thinks is success or is typical. But really, all it has to be is a path where you’re happy.

    All of us will be there to offer help when you need it, just as you do the same for us. It’s not a bad thing to know as you start the new year.

    Cheers!

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