Hello Depression, My Old Friend

I’ve come to feel it once again.

I’ve been here before, then again later, and again after that.

I am speaking, as the title indicated, of Depression. Do you know it? Do you know its seeping, creeping darkling tendrils? Its suffocating mass? Its overwhelming prevalence in your life?

The funny thing is that I want to feel it. I draw Depression over myself like a comforting blanket, speak through its muffling effects, and even run my thoughts through its percolating filter.

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I’m afraid. And as much as I fear the mental state I can get to with Depression, I fear the unknowns of real life much more -especially the variables known as people. Actually, that’s not fair. A lot of my negative thoughts result from a constant need to numb any feeling at all.

When my mind is awake and aware, the reality of my pointless life rises up in walls around me. It doesn’t stop there. Depression curdles my thoughts, reminding me of how much I have in life and how I should feel bad for feeling bad. I should also stop thinking selfishly at all. Sure; I don’t ever address my own happiness, but I’m more functional that way.

When around people, every little gesture or tone or blink sends my anxiety off the charts. I talk too much, or too little. I don’t smile enough. Maybe I smiled too much? I know they hated me because they did that little side-smile and nervous laugh. Why oh why did I talk about social injustice when they just wanted to talk about Joanna Gaines?

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Reeling at the stimuli I quickly opt for substance abuse, staying up late, stopping my mind, and squashing my innermost desires.

I forget all the good advice and hide beneath my cloud of encroaching gloom known as Depression.

And only when I am at the bottom of the pit do I notice things might not be ideal. When my mind shouts, “NO YOU’RE NOT” over the top of a compliment. When I yearn to not exist. When, in short, the thoughts altered by Depression go beyond what I think is ‘real’ and definitely enter ‘lying.’

That’s when I begin to fidget a bit. Perhaps, I consider, this Depression thing isn’t such a great comforter after all.

And yet, I don’t fully shake it. Instead, I feel I go round and round the cycle again.

I told my counselor once that I don’t know why I keep at it. I said that maybe I was waiting for ‘rock bottom;’ for a major event to shake me out of this. “You don’t want rock bottom,” she reminded me. She’s right, of course. I don’t.

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I feel I need to take my own advice and stop pretending I don’t need to. I need to keep at it and not assume all’s well enough to get lazy. I need to actually do what I just said.

What do you do to push away the blues, and remember that they need to stay away? How do you stick with it?

Photo Credit:
Megan te Boekhorst
Alexandra Gorn
rawpixel
José Ignacio García Zajaczkowski

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18 Replies to “Hello Depression, My Old Friend”

  1. Chelsea, thanks for sharing.
    We think that it is good that you acknowledge your state of depression, we even think that it is good that you use it to write. It is your elixir. You may not think it is a strength, however, it has let you express your inner most with many strangers. Celebrate it because it deserves to be given the spot-light for your creativity.
    Have you seen the movie Inside Out? At first sight, we couldn’t stand sadness and her constant interference with the core happy memories. However, towards the end we realize that without these moments we call sadness, despair, fear, envy, happiness cannot truly be enjoyed.
    Another recommendation would be to read Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch and The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. These two books are a fantastic read that will aid anyone who is ready to take an introspective journey.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I agree with Gabriel! You are very brave for sharing this with us. Write, write, write! Keep at it. I know for me, it has been a good way to express myself. Thank you for your post! Stay strong! ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Depression is comfortable. Depression is not having to be fully “present” in your life, because the rawness of true emotions can be uncomfortable. Good or bad (or anything in between) can feel overwhelming when you’re used to being numb, and your mind rebels. Withdrawing and not engaging is easier. Ultimately, though, you miss out on the only life you’ll ever have. Personally, I go through cycles, but I’m learning to break those cycles. I’m learning to ignore that sweet, heavy fog that tugs at me when life seems like too much effort. I read a book called “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend that helped a lot. I listened to another one called “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***” by Mark Manson (the name is shocking to some, but the advice is invaluable).

    For me, it’s about reminding myself that I choose who I am, how I react, and what I react to in this life. Pulling myself out of fear by confronting the worst case scenario and deciding if it’s worth it to do something anyway. I usually find that questioning the whispers of Depression leads me to realize how much it’s lying to me. You are not the worthless, boring, unattractive, piece of crap it says you are. Life has more good than bad in it if you watch for it. People do love and care about you. Whatever lies it tells you, ask yourself the truth of it and hold onto that truth.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I will look up your book recommendations and I love all of your advice.
      I can’t always convince myself that there’s a different ‘truth’ than what I’m hearing so I need to work on that.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I make myself stay connected when I want to pull away (even if it just a little). I make my bed, whether I feel like it or not. I repeat the same scriptures when my thoughts go haywire, not letting fear repeat its own mantra. I cry out for help and accept it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It needs strength to share this and I hope things will get better…
    I guess we need to focus on things we love, keep ourselves busy, be with people who love us the way we are…whatever option is available but never isolate yourself and disconnect from outside world, worst case scenario, have a walk in the middle of nature and breathe. Write down your blessings, your qualities and positive things you like in yourself…
    I’m not an expert, but this is what I will do 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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