My Life Started When I Almost Lost my Life

*TRIGGER WARNING* This blog post talks about suicidal ideation and suicide attempts in my life. I will not go into detail about my suicide attempt (I was saving that for my memoir, and this isn’t the place.) I am hoping that this story is about hope in the face of hopelessness. Please read the whole piece.

-James

How A Second Change Changed my Mental Illness Life

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I was sitting in my hospital bed, it was the second time in two weeks.

Just a week earlier I was at the end of my rope and lost in hopelessness. I couldn’t fight anymore, and I just wanted life to end. It had been weeks of struggling to get a grip on my depression. I had hit my lowest I have ever been on this journey. I wanted the emotional turmoil to end. I made the decision no one should–I tried to take my life.

Darkness is the last thing I remember.

I woke up in the ICU three days later, and it was so close to going the way that I wanted, to end the pain. I spend three days in a coma, and the doctors told my mom that I might never wake up again. I thought it was the end. When I woke, I felt terrible. How could I let myself get this bad again? Why couldn’t I reach out and tell someone that I was not okay? Suicide had become my life, and I was not great at it all.

After two days of deep thinking in my hospital bed, I made a promise that this would be the last time. I would never put my family in this position again. Suicide was not the answer. I wish the story ended here, but it doesn’t, but I went home after a week.

Two days later I was really anxious all day. I felt so sick and nauseous that I thought that something was wrong–I had no idea.

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I was sitting on my mom’s dining room table watching a movie on my computer. I don’t really remember what happened next, and this recount comes from what my family remembers.

I collapsed on the floor for a time. Next thing I remember is laying on the floor with a plastic spoon in my mouth, medics, and fireman shining lights in my eyes. I was panicked and had no idea what was going on. My family explained that I had a seizure. The next 48 hours was the worst ordeal that I have ever experienced. I had more seizures, several spinal taps, and what seemed like endless tests. I spent another week in the hospital and the scariest thing about my experience, they could not definitively tell me what had caused the seizures. It was most likely the delayed reaction of a significant overdose of Seroquel.

The most vivid memory is me laying in that hospital bed late at night on that second hospital visit. It was dark in my room, and I was listening to the steady beat of my heart. My mind was racing about a million miles a second. I thought about all that I had been through over the past three and a half years. How much pain that I put my mother threw on a daily basis. The people no longer a part of my life. How I could not remember a happy moment in four years. My soul was all but gone, the flame barely illuminated. I made the decision to live right then and there, I haven’t looked back since.

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Everything that has happened since came out of these two weeks in my life. The Bipolar Writer persona. Working on my mental health. For the first time in my life, I admitted that I am Bipolar and that I needed help.

My blog. My memoir. Everything that has happened in my life since that moment has been based on truth–I truly believe that I was saved by God. That I was saved so that someday I could help others. No matter how down into the darkness I go nowadays, I will never let myself get to the point of suicide.

There is always hope. I tell people that contact me when they are suicidal that there is always an option other than suicide. You are worth it, and you have to love yourself first.

Always Keep Fighting

James

Photo Credit:

Ravi Roshan

Martha Dominguez de Gouveia

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Elijah O’Donnell

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77 Replies to “My Life Started When I Almost Lost my Life”

  1. I experienced a few seizures, one which left me unconscious for almost 2 days and doctors cannot explain what caused it. Still scares me to this day.

    I was also in a coma for 4 days and doctors were not sure if I was to make it through or not. Life is a precious thing.

    Keep fighting ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Wow! Thank you so much for sharing! So many people have similar stories but are afraid or ashamed! I pray that your words reach those that need it most! You are definitely worth it! Thank you!

    Liked by 5 people

  3. Rock Bottom is a sticky place to live. I’m proud you made that choice, it took many s-attempts for me and many miracles before I could do the same.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. “I truly believe that I was saved by God. That I was saved so that someday I could help others.” I live by this exact same way of thinking-God knows how to take your mess and turn it into your message.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. A close relative is living with knowing that her son , a serious drug addict, will some day overdose or commit suicide. During the holidays he overdosed on Fentanyl. He was on a ventilator and nearly died. How awful to have to wait for the next time.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I don’t know what to write but it Hurts so much to see so many people suffer to the extent of taking their own lives. I am so happy you chose to fight . Life is a precious thing and worth fighting

    Liked by 3 people

  7. So glad that you didn’t take your life. You said something very interesting that I like….you said you made the choice to live. I think it’s all about choices. We make the choice on which path we will choose and you chose the right one. God is so good. Yes, I agree with you that He saved your life so that now you can be a help to others.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Thank you so much for writing this, & thank you for being alive & for fighting. I’m so incredibly happy to hear that you’re here & even for the simple fact you’re sharing your story. Know that your words ring through me & it’s in times like this where I appreciate people like you bc it inspires me even more to be strong. Thank you. 😌

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Thank you for sharing this. I want people who are NOT depressed, who have narrow-minded (basically uneducated) opinions about suicide to read this. I have been through 4 suicides myself. Five if I count my dad’s best friend who I knew my whole life. I call myself and others affected, a suicide survivor. It is the worst thing a person can go through, and I’ve been through a lot so I have a large amount of different trauma to compare it to. I thought, even with my own issues all my life, I would never get there because I know how it feels to lose someone to depression. But this past year, I’ve come so close so many times. I’m just so fucking tired. And now I really get it. I get why people do it. You just want it to STOP. Even when you’re doing all the ‘right things’ and following doctor’s orders and reading the books and getting therapy and taking the meds…when you’re doing all that you can and it’s still relentless; I get it.
    So thank you for sharing this. And I wish I could give you a big, giant hug!! The world needs you. Never forget that.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you. You put it very eloquently about the reality of suicide and being at the lowest point. Stay strong my friend and if you are ever down that path and need someone to talk to, don’t hesitate to ask.

      Liked by 2 people

  10. “There is hope.”

    That line reminds me that there’s a miraculous strength that has its way of coming up at vital pivots in our lives.

    Thanks for your sharing your story. It gave me hope too.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. So raw and well written indeed. I can relate to that level of emptiness. If I ever get in those spots, I remind myself that life is already short enough. I always get better and feel happy again eventually. It’s just hard to remember anything about happiness when you’re that depressed. That thought helps me in the darkest worst moments. Our families don’t deserve to go through that.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I never attempted, but I’ve had thoughts about suicide. I thank God I never went through with it, but it’s also good to know that something good, or at least necessary, can come out of something as terrible as a suicide attempt.

    Liked by 3 people

  13. You’re changing lives every day with every post. You’ve got a rare gift in that you’re someone who has turned their lowest moments into good. If you’re ever feeling down one day, just remember you’re blessing so many people with your work. I aspire to develop a talent for helping people like you have.

    Liked by 3 people

  14. Your honesty and inspiration empowers people to keep living until they see light again… Keep fighting and overcoming for there is reward in doing so…

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Thank you for sharing and your honesty. You writing this takes a lot of courage and strength and you have proved that you have that. You sharing this helps so many others, but I know in a similar way it also helps on a personal level. You are very talented and inspiring.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. My life also began when I almost lost my life too. I didn’t know it at the time and it’s still hard to understand how I could be so low (or the why) but here I am living life and enjoying my life with a mental illness. Thank you for sharing and helping me with your continued conversations, I am grateful for your words. Namaste 🙏🏽

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I am glad to hear that you are here and alive. Living life is the best thing we can do when we have been down to the deepest and darkest depression. I applaud you.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Greetings. I happened to read your blog and could understand and feel every word you wrote. I am a survivor of depression myself. For a long time now, I’ve wanted to reach out to blogging communities where I can share my experiences, in the hopes that it would help others going through the same. Kindly let me know if I’d be able to join a public platform comprising the same .

    Liked by 2 people

  18. First glad you reached this point and this made you stronger of course. But the problem is when a person reaches this dark point, no words or logic work for them! You can only hope that someone dear or a family member can reach this dark place and try to show them light or better run to provide a professional help! What people can’t understand that when someones decides to end their life (which I tried) for them it’s the ultimate solution, it’s the relief…It’s wrong of course but in the middle of this, it’s impossible to speak logic to them, just as there is emergency for physical injuries, it should be some emergency to mental injuries as well prior to reach the suicide attempt.

    Liked by 3 people

  19. I’m glad and thankful that you’re still breathing this air with us. I thank God that you were given a second chance at life and see the meaning to it. I’m deeply sorry that you experienced this pain and that it went that far. Thank you for opening up and speaking about this experience. Continue to stay strong.

    Like

  20. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I am truly glad you are still with us. I am glad your life started anew and you have gone on to do amazing things. I hope I can get there one day.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I was my worst enemy, and it kept me from getting to this place. If you have hope then you are already farther than I was at this point. Just keep moving forward.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. You are so brave for sharing your story. I pray that you are able to keep fighting and moving forward. Prayers and positive thoughts going your way. Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

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