video games and my thoughts

Today during my time playing video games I was thinking about how many times a game has saved me from doing something drastic. I never knew that they had saved my life. Everytime I wanted to commit suicide or cut I would think about what game could be played to calm my nerves. I have played many games in my short life. I  haven’t been able to play any games as much as I’d like, because I’ve been working. Although I’ve been playing them as much as possible after work and before. My anxiety levels are getting higher and the voices are getting bad again. The negative ones are becoming louder with every other passing day.

The last time i met with my med nurse I had told her that tha negative ones weren’t really there. Although now I’d say that they’re getting worse. Thank god I have a new counselor. I’m hoping that things will start to settle down for me. I can’t handle the close knit family my voices have discovered to be like new. They’re all starting to become negative. my self-esteem is getting lower and lower everyday. No matter what my husband says my self-esteem gets lowered by my own brain. The schizophrenia seems to be getting worse. I’m losing full moments of time. I don’t always know where I’m at. I feel like my mind is going to break and it won’t be for the better.

Everytime i try to talk to him about things like this he tries to push it off like there’s nothing wrong and I’m not getting worse. I’m scared that things are going to go down hill so fast that I won’t be able to talk to him about this at all because i’m too depressed, manic, negative symptomatic. I can’t keep hiuding this from him but I know that if I do that he’ll be safe and won’t worry about anything. I’m not like most people where they can talk about what is on their mind. I can’t do that with out thinking that I’m wrong.  I can’t help but think that I’m always wrong aboout something. thank you for listening.

Bri Bear

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11 Replies to “video games and my thoughts”

  1. Get professional help and be honest with the REALLY important people in your life about what’s actually going on in your mind. It’s not always easy. But you should. I also recommend you pray, read and also enjoy the deep friendships you already have. These all helps. Stay strong please.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree. A friend of mine had a similar situation to her. He reached out to me. Now, his anxiety isn’t as bad as before. This is something people often underestimate that the person suffering would sometimes end up in severe depression. Don’t ever give up Bri Bear!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. True. I’m glad your friend is much better than before. Nobody prays for a mental health illness. But what is great is having a community of people who support you on your way to dealing with the illness. 😊

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  2. I completely understand your situation with your husband. When my Fibromyalgia started to get bad, I was in a lot of pain, and my brain function dropped abruptly and severely. He passed it off as ‘getting older.’ Even after my diagnosis and medical professionals telling him I wasn’t imagining or exaggerating things, it took him about two years to really accept my condition. Now, he is my rock, my support system, and I don’t know what I’d do without him, but those years, where I felt like he thought I was being silly and lazy were really tough.

    Now I know he was scared. He didn’t want anything to be wrong with me, and, now, when new diagnoses and symptoms crop up, he gets scared again. He has spent thousands of dollars over the years, buying me supplements, vitamins, oils, things I never asked for, because he feels helpless. He’s a fixer, and he can’t fix me, and it’s honestly a source of real stress for him, which I wish he could drop. Maybe your husband is a fixer, too, so he’s downplaying your condition, because he feels like he’s failing you, that he can’t help you.

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  3. Heyyyy Bri!
    As I was reading your post, it really saddened me that you feel no one out there can understand or relate to you especially ones closest to you. You really have to be able to open up to your husband and express to him that you are not him and for YOU, this is a big deal. Some people do not understand how bad depression can get for others. You have to be able and willing to speak with him so he can help you. Also, seeking professional help that will be able to counsel and speak with you about your issues is something you should do, and involve your husband, have him go with you to counseling sessions. Video games is a great distraction however it is only masking your problems. I hope and pray you will be a able to set the video games aside, face and attack the issues in your life head on. You can do it!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you so much for writing this. Video games are a special part of me, and I do not think I would be who I am without them. They have helped and are continuing to help me through some tough times. I am sorry for what you are going through. Stay strong, and if you ever want to just randomly vent to someone or just discuss games, I would love to talk.

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  5. After years of trauma I am now coming out of deep depression thanks to an excellent therapist and a handful of close friends who have walked with me even though they didn’t often understand. As I struggled with depression, I quickly learned most people in my life did not understand the severity of it and shrugged it off with hurtful comments. What I learned is that there is a lack of understanding about mental illness. NAMI is one resource that provides classes designed to help caretakers, family and friends better understand mental illness and how to better care for their loved ones. This has been very helpful in my situation. Thanks for sharing your experience. I appreciate the community of bloggers on this topic on WordPress.

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  6. I won’t presume how you feel. But I believe in the advantages of video games and how they can shape a person’s life for good.

    I’m glad you found comfort from it and they stopped you from doing what shouldn’t be done.

    At the end, you are still alive and fighting on. That’s something to admire and appreciate. 😊

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  7. Schizophrenia is not something to be taken lightly. It had literally consumed and destroyed someone who was very close to me. If left unchecked, it tends to turn one stubborn beyond belief, with no will or way of stopping their own downward spiral. Don’t trust your instincts. Please get professional help.

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