Today during my time playing video games I was thinking about how many times a game has saved me from doing something drastic. I never knew that they had saved my life. Everytime I wanted to commit suicide or cut I would think about what game could be played to calm my nerves. I have played many games in my short life. I haven’t been able to play any games as much as I’d like, because I’ve been working. Although I’ve been playing them as much as possible after work and before. My anxiety levels are getting higher and the voices are getting bad again. The negative ones are becoming louder with every other passing day.
The last time i met with my med nurse I had told her that tha negative ones weren’t really there. Although now I’d say that they’re getting worse. Thank god I have a new counselor. I’m hoping that things will start to settle down for me. I can’t handle the close knit family my voices have discovered to be like new. They’re all starting to become negative. my self-esteem is getting lower and lower everyday. No matter what my husband says my self-esteem gets lowered by my own brain. The schizophrenia seems to be getting worse. I’m losing full moments of time. I don’t always know where I’m at. I feel like my mind is going to break and it won’t be for the better.
Everytime i try to talk to him about things like this he tries to push it off like there’s nothing wrong and I’m not getting worse. I’m scared that things are going to go down hill so fast that I won’t be able to talk to him about this at all because i’m too depressed, manic, negative symptomatic. I can’t keep hiuding this from him but I know that if I do that he’ll be safe and won’t worry about anything. I’m not like most people where they can talk about what is on their mind. I can’t do that with out thinking that I’m wrong. I can’t help but think that I’m always wrong aboout something. thank you for listening.