Letter to my Anxiety

I’ve lived with you so long I don’t know life without being afraid. Because of you, I’ve missed out on so many good things in life I want to experience.

I want to go to concerts and music festivals. You keep me at home, making me feel ashamed and isolated. My iTunes account is so full of movies I’ve randomly bought to try to forget the panic and what I’m missing.

You randomly appear out of nowhere and paralyze me. I’m somewhere safe, somewhere comfortable surrounded by people who love me. And you decide to force me into bed, trying to make you go away with the breathing exercises I’ve learned along the way and failing.

You got me addicted to benzos. You made my mental health professionals distrust me with medication.

There are so many people I could’ve met, so many friends I could’ve made. But you show up and make me a fool, cause me to make excuses and run home to be alone. And even then, you’re my constant companion.

I am so afraid of the world. This comes from the panic attacks you’ve caused throughout my entire life that I’ve learned that the only way I can go out is to force myself. To make sure I have the proper medication with me at all times. And to always be aware of the escape routes in case things get bad.

You ruined my marriage with your friend depression. You scare my parents. You make the one friend I have constantly worry about me.

Anxiety, I don’t know life without you. You are fully a part of me like my teeth or my hands. Always buzzing in the background, always reminding me that no matter what skills I learn, the amount of help I get, you will be there, ready to ruin my dreams.

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23 Replies to “Letter to my Anxiety”

    1. It helps. I’m glad I could touch so many people with this. It’s a constant struggle but I keep moving forward. That’s something

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You definitely captured it for those of us who don’t fully grasp the difficulties of dealing with it (and I’m sure for those who do as well). Thank you.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. This hits so close to home. I literally felt this, every word of it, in my soul. I pray you find relief, because I, too, struggle every day and I know how hard it is. You are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Very powerful. Sending lots of love and hugs. I know a very similar struggle. You should be proud of yourself for fighting the anxiety, and writing pieces like this!
    Wishing you all the best x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can relate. The worst part about anxiety for me is that I’ve missed out on so many opportunities. At least I have found a community of support here at WP. Knowing we are not alone is a comforting blanket. I hope the best to you Douglas.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I’ve avoided so many experiences I would’ve enjoyed because of anxiety. I structure my life around how I can escape if it gets bad. I’ve known it for so long. There are moments where I pushed through and experienced something wonderful, but they’re in the minority

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I wanted to cry while reading, because right now I haven’t tried medication in over a year, but I’m glad that I can. I can’t imagine having to just deal. Well…I guess I already do, but…I wouldn’t call it “dealing,” more “coping.”

    Liked by 1 person

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