Sometimes I Give Up too Easy

My depression brings out the worst parts of my personality. If you’re like me, when depression takes over, it feels so simple to just give up.

I have felt that way a lot lately since my oldest friend depression has come back into my life. I hate this part of me because I have given up a lot over the years. Almost everything minus the last four years has been one give up after another. About the only thing that I haven’t quit is finishing my Master’s program and writing.

Everything else I have basically given up on–friendships, relationship, and things that could potentially make me happy. This past week I wanted to give up even more than just things that could make me happy. I have wanted to give up on the one thing that makes me happy–writing. Self-doubt, lack of confidence, and just the ability to think about the positives in my life seem trivial.

My mind races and it being pulled in so many directions at the moment. Writing. Publishing. School. Freelance work. It has become so bad that I feel like I am not moving foward, just runniung in polace.

Writing is the reason that I exist, but this past week I have had so much self-doubt that I am destined for this life.

Over the last year writing my memoir, it has been utterly liberating. I have written about my real experiences and that, as this blog has taught me, is not only therapeutic but the right thing. It is easy to be optimistic when your only writing an idea. Now that I am ready for the world to see my memoir, I am not so sure I am actually ready. Depression sinks in, and the doubts fly.

I don’t know. That is the worst feeling for someone like me. The overwhelming feeling that my work is not ready is consuming my waking moments–making it impossible to sleep. I know there are things to be done. Deciding if I should go down the traditional route or self-publish is the big one. I blame myself. I asked for the opinions of others, and it was amazing the feedback that I got, but it left me with lingering doubts.

I think the best thing is to take a step back and journal all my feelings about what I am about to undertake. Give my mind a week to really think about things. I was hoping that I could work on the website (but I am still working on raising enough money for the business upgrade.) I hate feeling lost about my writing.

All I can do now is keep the faith and not let the depression be all consuming.

Always Keep Fighting

James

My GoFundMe Campaign

https://www.gofundme.com/rasing-to-upgrade-the-bipolar-writer-blog

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26 Replies to “Sometimes I Give Up too Easy”

  1. It’s so good that you have a outlet to share your feelings, thank you. I start my day with a cup of coffee and one scripture from my Bible.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. I totally get where you’re coming from. I am schizoaffective, bipolar type and depression has always been a major part of my mental landscape. I find that writing helps. I write poetry, mostly about what I am dealing with, and now I’ve started another blog. I find hope in Jesus Christ and that is what gets me through the day. Sometimes it takes more than just a handful of pills. Hope everything works out for you. Hang in there!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Blogging & writing can be so theraputic. It seems like you’ve created a safe space for not only you to write about your feelings, but also for others to share their experiences & how they feel too. You should be proud of that 💪 You have shown how negative emotions can feel endless but with the right mindset and small steps in the right direction you can channel that emotion in to creativity. Hope is well ✨ xx

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for this Kayleigh. I am not sure I would have gotten through the last few days without this platform. Thank you for reading my blog post. All will be well soon. I hope all is well with you.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Self-doubt is a huge barrier to doing the things we want to do and to being successful. Like you say take a few days and come back at it with a fresh perspective. Self-publishing is so easy these days and maybe less stressful than finding someone to take on your manuscript. Each way has its own benefits.
    Just don’t give up, you can do this xx

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I understand what you mean. I have similar thoughts sometimes. Thought about getting some kind of antidepressant, but I don’t know. I never liked the idea of taking medicine that would affect my mind. Maybe that’s what I need, though. I wish you the best, for what it’s worth.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. You write beautifully and your blog is one of my favourites 💕 Don’t give up. You are an amazing writer. We are all in this together 💪

    Liked by 3 people

  7. “I hate this part of me because I have given up a lot over the years” Depression yanks your soul out of your body. Its either you fight it and lose yourself, or you give into it and lose the things around you…

    Liked by 1 person

  8. It feels like this was written for me. I’ve given up so much in order to wallow in peace. Then I’m left with regrets of all the things I haven’t done. Like you, writing is a great solace for me. Thanks for this.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I can see where your coming from. Sometimes I feel my depression has stolen from me. All those years I lived in darkness. I recently started writing about my mental health journey and for the most, it’s been a great coping mechanism. But there’s days where I begin to doubt myself and why I did this. I feel vulnerable and exposed. It’s nice to come across blogs like this. It reminds me that we’re not alone.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re not alone. I struggled with the same feelings. Even over a year now there are a few things I don’t discuss. Writing about my experiences has been liberating. I feel better with each post. I am glad you found my post and I hope you continue to find the strength to share.

      Liked by 2 people

  10. I sympathize with anyone struggling. I’m proud of you for sharing. I’ve shared my troubles too, it can be liberating but can leave you vulnerable. Excellent work, keep fighting. Love jim x

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I struggle with self doubt and depression too! But writing brings me joy! I keep coming back to it. It has always been a natural outlet for me. Writing things down helps me to sort out all of the thoughts I am thinking and emotions I am feeling. And I am trying to accept myself where I am at this current moment. Let go of any expectation or judgment on my part. Do you practice meditation? I am trying to start!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do mindfulness meditation it helps. I am starting to get back from my depression. I have trouble letting go of what I expect I should be doing and what I accomplish during the day. Thank you for sharing your experiences!

      Like

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