My depression brings out the worst parts of my personality. If you’re like me, when depression takes over, it feels so simple to just give up.
I have felt that way a lot lately since my oldest friend depression has come back into my life. I hate this part of me because I have given up a lot over the years. Almost everything minus the last four years has been one give up after another. About the only thing that I haven’t quit is finishing my Master’s program and writing.
Everything else I have basically given up on–friendships, relationship, and things that could potentially make me happy. This past week I wanted to give up even more than just things that could make me happy. I have wanted to give up on the one thing that makes me happy–writing. Self-doubt, lack of confidence, and just the ability to think about the positives in my life seem trivial.
My mind races and it being pulled in so many directions at the moment. Writing. Publishing. School. Freelance work. It has become so bad that I feel like I am not moving foward, just runniung in polace.
Writing is the reason that I exist, but this past week I have had so much self-doubt that I am destined for this life.
Over the last year writing my memoir, it has been utterly liberating. I have written about my real experiences and that, as this blog has taught me, is not only therapeutic but the right thing. It is easy to be optimistic when your only writing an idea. Now that I am ready for the world to see my memoir, I am not so sure I am actually ready. Depression sinks in, and the doubts fly.
I don’t know. That is the worst feeling for someone like me. The overwhelming feeling that my work is not ready is consuming my waking moments–making it impossible to sleep. I know there are things to be done. Deciding if I should go down the traditional route or self-publish is the big one. I blame myself. I asked for the opinions of others, and it was amazing the feedback that I got, but it left me with lingering doubts.
I think the best thing is to take a step back and journal all my feelings about what I am about to undertake. Give my mind a week to really think about things. I was hoping that I could work on the website (but I am still working on raising enough money for the business upgrade.) I hate feeling lost about my writing.
All I can do now is keep the faith and not let the depression be all consuming.
Always Keep Fighting