By Lola Deelay Posted on

The Dark Days

I’m in a dark place and I don’t know how I got here.

Honestly, I feel like I’ve been hit by a train. Only a month ago I would said, “I could handle a depression, that’s fine, I know depression.” Oh, how the ignorant spout! It turns out I can’t ‘handle’ depression. It hasn’t handled me so much as drowned me.

Three weeks ago today I made an attempt on my life. I will write about it one day but right now it feels too soon. And yet I want to write, I think I need to, but not about that. Not yet. Right now I want to talk about the repercussions which I weren’t expecting and which have hit me over the head harder than I thought possible.

Work is impossible; the idea of going to work like normal is just insane. The job I used to do with such ease (and sometimes enjoy!) feels very far away. I’ve dreamt about work several times and, in each one, I find myself standing still, staring blankly at everyone around me working and getting on with it and thinking, why the hell am I here?  So at the moment work is a no. Luckily I live in a country where my sick pay is good and my employers are supportive, so I mustn’t dismiss that blessing.

But my hobbies…I never thought I’d ‘lose’ writing. The flame was always burning: even when I wasn’t actively writing, my brain was still turning over ideas and imagining scenarios for future scenes. Now I just…I can’t. I’ve stopped and started on this post more times than I’d like to admit. My writing doesn’t seem to have a point anymore. Before, I used to work towards the ultimate goal; publication. Now the motivation is gone and, with writing being such a solo sport, there isn’t anyone to fan the flame. It’s gone out until I feel in a place to relight it.

Other previously enjoyable activities have lost their appeal too. I can’t say I’m interested in anything at present. I’ve said this to many of those who are trying to support me, and for whom I am grateful: I feel like a part of me was lost that day. The vital part of me that believed in myself and knew who I was. People tell me it’ll come back, with time, which I admit I dismiss. It’s easy to make promises about the future but they hold little weight in the present.

I think I’ll stop here. This entire post feels like a jumble but then I don’t feel my writing is up to its usual standard. Some days I wonder if it ever will. Thank you for your time. Perhaps, hopefully, I’ll be able to do an update in six months’ time, proving current me wrong. We’ll see.

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70 Replies to “The Dark Days”

    1. Lola Deelay says:

      Thank you. That is an affirmation I need to remember and why I came back to this blog, knowing there are others who have felt/feel similar <3

  2. huguetta says:

    When someone is physically injured, people rush to seek help and treat the injuries, but when someone is mentally ill, suffering and want to just die, people only talk…I mean there should be a 911 emergency or whatever number for these cases as well! I mean why not? Which is more important? healthy body or healthy soul? both but the second is essential! I say you should do kind of call for action to yourself, what can be done just now so I can feel better? Anything at all! and do it! Sending you lot of love and support <3

    1. Lola Deelay says:

      I agree. A comment I’ve heard a lot recently is ‘but what about your family?’ as if I am doing this to spite them. And yet if I’d broke my leg, people wouldn’t consider that a deliberate act to inconvenience everyone. Thank you <3

      1. huguetta says:

        You just know and it’s enough…most people won’t understand so they will say anything…when someone reaches this point, part of the problem is that logic and words and stuff don’t really matter…they need something bigger, some extra power and I hope you will find it within!
        I would ask is differently: what about me dying each second and everyone is worrying about their own feelings
        Stay strong for you ❤️

  5. worrylessjourney says:

    The writing can pull out some of the pain. Keep writing even if it seems useless. It is not. Writing can reach to the depths of your soul and give you a place to vent. This community is here for you. I know it is not the same but as those around you and we do understand. You will find no recriminations here. Sending support and understanding.

    1. Lola Deelay says:

      I’ve never experienced such difficulties with writing, it’s thrown me right off. But I will persist. Thank you – everyone’s kindness and understanding is overwhelming <3

  6. Mrs Robinson says:

    I could have written this. I’m slowly trying to overcome a pretty dark spell and it’s exhausting. It’s almost purposeless. I hope for both of us that it gets better sooner rather than later.

  7. AK says:

    Writing is one of the few things that keeps me going, even though it also seems pointless to me sometimes. I hope you can keep going too.

  8. James Edgar Skye says:

    I am sorry you hit such dark days and for the attempt. As always I say continue to fight–always. I am glad that you are alive. I look forward to when you have the energy to write about the experience. It helped me. Good luck and I am always here if you need me.

    James

  9. Kevin Riddle says:

    I have schizoaffective disorder and I deal with depression a lot. I have been suicidal on many occasions and have even attempted it a couple times. I know the feeling that all hope is gone and the inability to experience any joy in what you do. It is a terrible feeling and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. I just started blogging about my experience with mental illness and how God gets me through it. I pray that you would find some relief, too, and I wish you the best.

  10. 80smetalman says:

    I have experienced similar things. My philosophy has always been you got to go through hell til you get to heaven. Have you tried counselling?

  13. hillis1985 says:

    I deal with depression too. I used the cry all of the time but I don’t anymore because I’m stubborn and my will to better is greater

  14. Thought for Change says:

    I was in the same place a few weeks ago. I don’t wanna tell you what everyone said to me that this too shall pass, the thing about depression is that it’s like you’ve glued your hand to a cup of coffee, when it starts to burn your hand you can pour out the coffee and if you feels like you want to be free you can break the cup and be free but still that fragment of the cup that was guled will stay glued. So dear I don’t know how you feel at the moment but if you feels like you want someone to listen to you then let me know. I would love to listen, maybe that can help.
    With lots of love Adithya.

  21. BeckiesMentalMess.wordpress.com says:

    Lola… I am so sorry you have been going through severe depression and worst of all, almost taking your life. I was in your shoes back in August of 2015. The best thing I could have ever gone through was being in the hospital, then attending a county mental health facility. I still go there for my therapist and psychiatrist.
    I can’t begin to tell you what a difference it made in my life. Remember this, you are not alone. There are some amazing people here on WP in the mental health area. Always reach out if you need to.
    If ever you just want to talk, my e-mail is ( beckie0317@gmail.com )
    I truly hope you feel better real soon. 😊

  22. Beverly Hughes says:

    I’ve found that the comments that others make hurt so badly that you begin to question yourself and play the endless loop tape of all of the ignorant comments over and over. Noone that hasn’t been in these deep dark holes understands what devastation comes from them. This is a good community of supportive people. We are here for each other. The act of writing about situations is helpful when you are ready. Don’t drag yourself through the darkness until enough healing has been done. Try some guided meditations. There are lots of them to download free. Regular use of them will help more than you could imagine. I wish I had made persistent use of them long before now.

  24. Moma's Personal Blog says:

    I’ve been feeling the exact same lately. You’ve put everything I’ve been going through in words. I suppose we just have to work through this hiccup. Just know you aren’t alone and I hope you feel better soon

  26. beckywise86 says:

    Thank you for sharing! I know others have said it, but you are not alone! Writing and sharing helps me to connect with others and to find meaning in my struggles. If anything, mental illness has filled me with compassion for those who suffer. Sending love and prayers for healing! 😘

    1. Lola Deelay says:

      Thank you – just reading everyone’s comments and realising so many others have felt like this has brought me comfort. We can all get through it together <3

  27. All About Life says:

    So sorry that you’re feeling this way; it’s a great testament to your courage that you’re able to write about it. I hope that you find a way through this difficult time x

  29. Put Into Words says:

    I hope in six months time you come back to this post too for an update. Thank you for sharing. As you feel your writing was not up to standard today, it was actually just what I needed and written beautifully. ~Lauren

  30. Maria Lobo says:

    Depression is a haunting that, unfortunately, usually returns. Sometimes stronger than the last time, with new tricks we thought to have already mastered.
    You’re a natural fighter, otherwise you wouldn’t be here writing this post after your attempt. That is, in itself, a reason to be proud of and the proof you will not stand down to depression.
    Be strong girl, you’re already beating that dark monster 😉

  33. beforetheclockstrikes12 says:

    I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. I am also going through depression and also tried to take my life. I even think about it everyday, but it makes me so sad to see you go through it. I am so sorry. I wish I was there to help, and I know it is not much consolation, but I am available if you want to rant or talk. Please be strong.

  34. Snakewomangirl says:

    Thanks for sharing the truth of how it actually is when the depression hits. It’s heavy, there’s no hope, the pressure to stay positive feels beyond you & just another thing you can’t handle. Rest. Allow. Tell the critical part of you to back off, you’re exhausted because some part of you just pushes you all the time as if just being human isn’t enough. It is. Rest. Let your body sink into some imaginary hands that will hold you tenderly without question or condition. We all need this & it’s the hardest thing we can give ourselves. I’m sending you (& myself) a huge dollop of permission. Go well.

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