A realization came to me in mid-December. Someone I was close to, had spoken to almost every day for a year and a half, began ignoring me. It was easy to notice. I stepped away from all social media not wanting to be reminded that I’m being ignored. Maybe I said something that bothered this person. I apologized the next day, but they never responded. The realization I had, no one outside of work contacted me for almost a week. No one. Apparently, this person was my only friend. I told a coworker my situation and they helped me put things in perspective.
I moved from depressed to angry. I didn’t know the situation, but I felt used. I’ve had enough people ditch me because I didn’t give them what they wanted anymore. This felt like the same thing. So, I sent a message three days after my apology message. I said, “Whenever you decide to speak to me again, we need to talk. Preferably in person.” They never responded. I went nearly a week, and no one contacted me outside of work. People asking for shifts covered or if I knew where something was, where did I last see it. No one asked how I was doing or if I wanted to make plans.
No one in the world wanted to spend time with me. At least that’s how it felt. I know there are people out there I can call or meet somewhere and have a good time. Why does it feel so hard to keep in touch? How does one person encompass so much of your life? If you’re thinking this was a relationship, it wasn’t. It almost moved in that direction a couple times, but nothing ever happened between us. I’m not sure if they liked the attention and that’s it, or if they themselves were confused about what roll they wanted me to play in their life; friend or romantic partner.
Regardless of what happened with this person, where is everyone else? What happened to all the people who said they cared about me? I claim part of the blame for not doing more to keep those people in my life. Everyone gets so busy, you have to schedule a month in advance just to go have breakfast with someone. Or they live in another city or state. When did the world become so disconnected? Why did I put so much time and effort into social media? Why can’t I make a connection with another human being?
What do I have after all this? I have work that pays the bills, I have my cats, and I have my writing. Everything else is just noise. I don’t want to meet strangers at a bar. I don’t want to use dating sites or apps. I want to feel important to someone. I see other people who bump into someone and hit it off. I see other people talk about hanging with the same person every week for several years. I see other people with less ambition but more fulfilled lives. Why doesn’t anyone stay? No one sticks around.
My friend and I finally talked and cleared up a few things. Despite how I felt, they also were going through some personal things and feeling depressed. Though they said they weren’t ignoring me, I think this person was but it was nothing to end our friendship over. Regardless, it’s noticeable when they don’t speak to me.