*TRIGGER WARNING* This blog post talks about suicidal ideation and suicide attempts in my life. I will not go into detail about my suicide attempt (I was saving that for my memoir, and this isn’t the place.) I am hoping that this story is about hope in the face of hopelessness. Please read the whole piece.
-James
How A Second Change Changed my Mental Illness Life
I was sitting in my hospital bed, it was the second time in two weeks.
Just a week earlier I was at the end of my rope and lost in hopelessness. I couldn’t fight anymore, and I just wanted life to end. It had been weeks of struggling to get a grip on my depression. I had hit my lowest I have ever been on this journey. I wanted the emotional turmoil to end. I made the decision no one should–I tried to take my life.
Darkness is the last thing I remember.
I woke up in the ICU three days later, and it was so close to going the way that I wanted, to end the pain. I spend three days in a coma, and the doctors told my mom that I might never wake up again. I thought it was the end. When I woke, I felt terrible. How could I let myself get this bad again? Why couldn’t I reach out and tell someone that I was not okay? Suicide had become my life, and I was not great at it all.
After two days of deep thinking in my hospital bed, I made a promise that this would be the last time. I would never put my family in this position again. Suicide was not the answer. I wish the story ended here, but it doesn’t, but I went home after a week.
Two days later I was really anxious all day. I felt so sick and nauseous that I thought that something was wrong–I had no idea.
I was sitting on my mom’s dining room table watching a movie on my computer. I don’t really remember what happened next, and this recount comes from what my family remembers.
I collapsed on the floor for a time. Next thing I remember is laying on the floor with a plastic spoon in my mouth, medics, and fireman shining lights in my eyes. I was panicked and had no idea what was going on. My family explained that I had a seizure. The next 48 hours was the worst ordeal that I have ever experienced. I had more seizures, several spinal taps, and what seemed like endless tests. I spent another week in the hospital and the scariest thing about my experience, they could not definitively tell me what had caused the seizures. It was most likely the delayed reaction of a significant overdose of Seroquel.
The most vivid memory is me laying in that hospital bed late at night on that second hospital visit. It was dark in my room, and I was listening to the steady beat of my heart. My mind was racing about a million miles a second. I thought about all that I had been through over the past three and a half years. How much pain that I put my mother threw on a daily basis. The people no longer a part of my life. How I could not remember a happy moment in four years. My soul was all but gone, the flame barely illuminated. I made the decision to live right then and there, I haven’t looked back since.
Everything that has happened since came out of these two weeks in my life. The Bipolar Writer persona. Working on my mental health. For the first time in my life, I admitted that I am Bipolar and that I needed help.
My blog. My memoir. Everything that has happened in my life since that moment has been based on truth–I truly believe that I was saved by God. That I was saved so that someday I could help others. No matter how down into the darkness I go nowadays, I will never let myself get to the point of suicide.
There is always hope. I tell people that contact me when they are suicidal that there is always an option other than suicide. You are worth it, and you have to love yourself first.
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing! So many people have similar stories but are afraid or ashamed! I pray that your words reach those that need it most! You are definitely worth it! Thank you!
“I truly believe that I was saved by God. That I was saved so that someday I could help others.” I live by this exact same way of thinking-God knows how to take your mess and turn it into your message.
A close relative is living with knowing that her son , a serious drug addict, will some day overdose or commit suicide. During the holidays he overdosed on Fentanyl. He was on a ventilator and nearly died. How awful to have to wait for the next time.
I don’t know what to write but it Hurts so much to see so many people suffer to the extent of taking their own lives. I am so happy you chose to fight . Life is a precious thing and worth fighting
So glad that you didn’t take your life. You said something very interesting that I like….you said you made the choice to live. I think it’s all about choices. We make the choice on which path we will choose and you chose the right one. God is so good. Yes, I agree with you that He saved your life so that now you can be a help to others.
Thank you so much for writing this, & thank you for being alive & for fighting. I’m so incredibly happy to hear that you’re here & even for the simple fact you’re sharing your story. Know that your words ring through me & it’s in times like this where I appreciate people like you bc it inspires me even more to be strong. Thank you. 😌
Thank you for sharing this. I want people who are NOT depressed, who have narrow-minded (basically uneducated) opinions about suicide to read this. I have been through 4 suicides myself. Five if I count my dad’s best friend who I knew my whole life. I call myself and others affected, a suicide survivor. It is the worst thing a person can go through, and I’ve been through a lot so I have a large amount of different trauma to compare it to. I thought, even with my own issues all my life, I would never get there because I know how it feels to lose someone to depression. But this past year, I’ve come so close so many times. I’m just so fucking tired. And now I really get it. I get why people do it. You just want it to STOP. Even when you’re doing all the ‘right things’ and following doctor’s orders and reading the books and getting therapy and taking the meds…when you’re doing all that you can and it’s still relentless; I get it.
So thank you for sharing this. And I wish I could give you a big, giant hug!! The world needs you. Never forget that.
Thank you. You put it very eloquently about the reality of suicide and being at the lowest point. Stay strong my friend and if you are ever down that path and need someone to talk to, don’t hesitate to ask.
So raw and well written indeed. I can relate to that level of emptiness. If I ever get in those spots, I remind myself that life is already short enough. I always get better and feel happy again eventually. It’s just hard to remember anything about happiness when you’re that depressed. That thought helps me in the darkest worst moments. Our families don’t deserve to go through that.
I never attempted, but I’ve had thoughts about suicide. I thank God I never went through with it, but it’s also good to know that something good, or at least necessary, can come out of something as terrible as a suicide attempt.
You’re changing lives every day with every post. You’ve got a rare gift in that you’re someone who has turned their lowest moments into good. If you’re ever feeling down one day, just remember you’re blessing so many people with your work. I aspire to develop a talent for helping people like you have.
Thank you for sharing and your honesty. You writing this takes a lot of courage and strength and you have proved that you have that. You sharing this helps so many others, but I know in a similar way it also helps on a personal level. You are very talented and inspiring.
My life also began when I almost lost my life too. I didn’t know it at the time and it’s still hard to understand how I could be so low (or the why) but here I am living life and enjoying my life with a mental illness. Thank you for sharing and helping me with your continued conversations, I am grateful for your words. Namaste 🙏🏽
I am glad to hear that you are here and alive. Living life is the best thing we can do when we have been down to the deepest and darkest depression. I applaud you.
Greetings. I happened to read your blog and could understand and feel every word you wrote. I am a survivor of depression myself. For a long time now, I’ve wanted to reach out to blogging communities where I can share my experiences, in the hopes that it would help others going through the same. Kindly let me know if I’d be able to join a public platform comprising the same .
First glad you reached this point and this made you stronger of course. But the problem is when a person reaches this dark point, no words or logic work for them! You can only hope that someone dear or a family member can reach this dark place and try to show them light or better run to provide a professional help! What people can’t understand that when someones decides to end their life (which I tried) for them it’s the ultimate solution, it’s the relief…It’s wrong of course but in the middle of this, it’s impossible to speak logic to them, just as there is emergency for physical injuries, it should be some emergency to mental injuries as well prior to reach the suicide attempt.
I’m glad and thankful that you’re still breathing this air with us. I thank God that you were given a second chance at life and see the meaning to it. I’m deeply sorry that you experienced this pain and that it went that far. Thank you for opening up and speaking about this experience. Continue to stay strong.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I am truly glad you are still with us. I am glad your life started anew and you have gone on to do amazing things. I hope I can get there one day.
I was my worst enemy, and it kept me from getting to this place. If you have hope then you are already farther than I was at this point. Just keep moving forward.
You are so brave for sharing your story. I pray that you are able to keep fighting and moving forward. Prayers and positive thoughts going your way. Stay strong.
So glad you are still here. You have much to say to people, and you need to say it. You are making a difference, just by this blog. Keep on going; don’t give up; don’t give in.
Beautiful, and also terrible words. Your writing is amazing. I can’t imagine surviving through so much and becoming an inspiration as well 🙂 I don’t know you but I’m proud of you ^ ^
Wow. Your story..I thought I was reading my own writing. 3 plus years of hell, attempted suicide, landing in the hospital, recovery, massive seizures, more recovery…beginning to write to deal with my emotions, a memoir, a blog. I decided to live, as well, and I am so glad I did. I wish you the best of luck on your journey-you got this. 🙂
I experienced a few seizures, one which left me unconscious for almost 2 days and doctors cannot explain what caused it. Still scares me to this day.
I was also in a coma for 4 days and doctors were not sure if I was to make it through or not. Life is a precious thing.
Keep fighting ❤
It is a very precious thing. It is why I am thankful for every day that I am alive now.
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing! So many people have similar stories but are afraid or ashamed! I pray that your words reach those that need it most! You are definitely worth it! Thank you!
Thank you. I hope that my words reach people that need it.
I’m happy you didn’t succeed in the attempt. God bless
I am happy as well.
Powerful. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.
Rock Bottom is a sticky place to live. I’m proud you made that choice, it took many s-attempts for me and many miracles before I could do the same.
We all share so many similar stories. It took three suicide attempts to get to a place where I could heal.
“I truly believe that I was saved by God. That I was saved so that someday I could help others.” I live by this exact same way of thinking-God knows how to take your mess and turn it into your message.
That’s what God has done for me. It is the way I live. It is why I am here.
So raw and honest. Powerful words!
I appreciate that Alys. How was your New Years?
Pretty quiet, but I think I needed that! How was yours?
The same. I spent the time writing.
Sounds nice!
There is indeed always hope!
I agree. There is always hope.
Life isn’t easy at all, it is very easy to give up and hard to keep fighting. Glad you had a change of heart.
It has been my mantra since this incident. I have been growing ever since.
So glad you are still here!
I am glad to be here!
A close relative is living with knowing that her son , a serious drug addict, will some day overdose or commit suicide. During the holidays he overdosed on Fentanyl. He was on a ventilator and nearly died. How awful to have to wait for the next time.
That does sound awful. I am sorry your relative is going through that.
I don’t know what to write but it Hurts so much to see so many people suffer to the extent of taking their own lives. I am so happy you chose to fight . Life is a precious thing and worth fighting
Amen 🙏🏾
So glad that you didn’t take your life. You said something very interesting that I like….you said you made the choice to live. I think it’s all about choices. We make the choice on which path we will choose and you chose the right one. God is so good. Yes, I agree with you that He saved your life so that now you can be a help to others.
Thank you for your kind words. We all have a choice in this life. I am happy to say I am on the right path.
Amen 🙏🏾
I can familiarize completely.
I am glad to hear.
Lovely post James.
✌️❤️
BY FOR NOW
Saved to save others 👌
Thank you so much for writing this, & thank you for being alive & for fighting. I’m so incredibly happy to hear that you’re here & even for the simple fact you’re sharing your story. Know that your words ring through me & it’s in times like this where I appreciate people like you bc it inspires me even more to be strong. Thank you. 😌
You’re welcome. You can be strong. I was at my lowest I found a way out. It has never been easy but I know you can find your way.
Thankyou for sharing your story. There is light at the end of tunnel.always!
I agree. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this. I want people who are NOT depressed, who have narrow-minded (basically uneducated) opinions about suicide to read this. I have been through 4 suicides myself. Five if I count my dad’s best friend who I knew my whole life. I call myself and others affected, a suicide survivor. It is the worst thing a person can go through, and I’ve been through a lot so I have a large amount of different trauma to compare it to. I thought, even with my own issues all my life, I would never get there because I know how it feels to lose someone to depression. But this past year, I’ve come so close so many times. I’m just so fucking tired. And now I really get it. I get why people do it. You just want it to STOP. Even when you’re doing all the ‘right things’ and following doctor’s orders and reading the books and getting therapy and taking the meds…when you’re doing all that you can and it’s still relentless; I get it.
So thank you for sharing this. And I wish I could give you a big, giant hug!! The world needs you. Never forget that.
Thank you. You put it very eloquently about the reality of suicide and being at the lowest point. Stay strong my friend and if you are ever down that path and need someone to talk to, don’t hesitate to ask.
Thank you! I appreciate that so much.
“There is hope.”
That line reminds me that there’s a miraculous strength that has its way of coming up at vital pivots in our lives.
Thanks for your sharing your story. It gave me hope too.
Hope is an amazing thing.
Yes it is. And thanks for sharing.
So raw and well written indeed. I can relate to that level of emptiness. If I ever get in those spots, I remind myself that life is already short enough. I always get better and feel happy again eventually. It’s just hard to remember anything about happiness when you’re that depressed. That thought helps me in the darkest worst moments. Our families don’t deserve to go through that.
They don’t deserve to go through suicide, that is why I always tell people that no matter how much the darkness consumes you there is always light.
I never attempted, but I’ve had thoughts about suicide. I thank God I never went through with it, but it’s also good to know that something good, or at least necessary, can come out of something as terrible as a suicide attempt.
I am glad that you never attempted. You are so strong and always remember that when depression gets you down.
You’re changing lives every day with every post. You’ve got a rare gift in that you’re someone who has turned their lowest moments into good. If you’re ever feeling down one day, just remember you’re blessing so many people with your work. I aspire to develop a talent for helping people like you have.
This is what gets me through my down days knowing that I can help others through my experiences.
Your honesty and inspiration empowers people to keep living until they see light again… Keep fighting and overcoming for there is reward in doing so…
There is… living and that is the goal of my writing.
Thank you for sharing and your honesty. You writing this takes a lot of courage and strength and you have proved that you have that. You sharing this helps so many others, but I know in a similar way it also helps on a personal level. You are very talented and inspiring.
Thank you for your kind words. I am inspired by by the people that make up the mental illness community.
My life also began when I almost lost my life too. I didn’t know it at the time and it’s still hard to understand how I could be so low (or the why) but here I am living life and enjoying my life with a mental illness. Thank you for sharing and helping me with your continued conversations, I am grateful for your words. Namaste 🙏🏽
I am glad to hear that you are here and alive. Living life is the best thing we can do when we have been down to the deepest and darkest depression. I applaud you.
Bless you for having the courage to write about your experiences. Stay strong! <3
You stay strong as well!
It’s Really Great….!!
Greetings. I happened to read your blog and could understand and feel every word you wrote. I am a survivor of depression myself. For a long time now, I’ve wanted to reach out to blogging communities where I can share my experiences, in the hopes that it would help others going through the same. Kindly let me know if I’d be able to join a public platform comprising the same .
First glad you reached this point and this made you stronger of course. But the problem is when a person reaches this dark point, no words or logic work for them! You can only hope that someone dear or a family member can reach this dark place and try to show them light or better run to provide a professional help! What people can’t understand that when someones decides to end their life (which I tried) for them it’s the ultimate solution, it’s the relief…It’s wrong of course but in the middle of this, it’s impossible to speak logic to them, just as there is emergency for physical injuries, it should be some emergency to mental injuries as well prior to reach the suicide attempt.
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
I’m glad and thankful that you’re still breathing this air with us. I thank God that you were given a second chance at life and see the meaning to it. I’m deeply sorry that you experienced this pain and that it went that far. Thank you for opening up and speaking about this experience. Continue to stay strong.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I am truly glad you are still with us. I am glad your life started anew and you have gone on to do amazing things. I hope I can get there one day.
I was my worst enemy, and it kept me from getting to this place. If you have hope then you are already farther than I was at this point. Just keep moving forward.
Thank you for telling us your story. Keep fighting because you are worth it!♥️
Thank you Sara. That means the world to me!
You are so brave for sharing your story. I pray that you are able to keep fighting and moving forward. Prayers and positive thoughts going your way. Stay strong.
I am in a good place with my mental illness. My life is moving always forward. Thank you for your kind words.
I’m happy to hear that!
Thanks for sharing your story and spreading awareness on mental health.
Stay Strong!
You stay strong as well.
I’m thankful you made it through to continue sharing ❤️
I am as well. Thank you for reading my blog.
So glad you are still here. You have much to say to people, and you need to say it. You are making a difference, just by this blog. Keep on going; don’t give up; don’t give in.
Thank you. I will never give in. I am here for the long haul .
Beautiful, and also terrible words. Your writing is amazing. I can’t imagine surviving through so much and becoming an inspiration as well 🙂 I don’t know you but I’m proud of you ^ ^
I appreciate that so much, it means the world to me. All I can do is share my experiences in hope that it might save someone one day.
I can say with some certainty that you have already saved so many ^ ^ <3
Wow. Thank you for sharing this… I am sure it took a great deal of courage to share this with the world. You are truely inspiring. Prayers to you.
I really enjoy your writing. Thank you for sharing your life.
Thank you for taking a moment from your day to find my blog.
Wow. Your story..I thought I was reading my own writing. 3 plus years of hell, attempted suicide, landing in the hospital, recovery, massive seizures, more recovery…beginning to write to deal with my emotions, a memoir, a blog. I decided to live, as well, and I am so glad I did. I wish you the best of luck on your journey-you got this. 🙂
I am glad that you are here today! Keep fighting the good fight!