Broken wiring

Mmm. Interesting. What are my worst symptoms? That’s a tough question to answer.   Feeling like death every day, lack of ability to concentrate, restlessness, depersonalisation, bouts of anger which I turn in against myself; either caring far too much about things or not caring at all.   Feeling like I am composed of a series of broken switches, none of which is sparking properly.  Not being (or rather not feeling)  a valid human being whatever one of those is.  No sleep.  Exhaustion.   Life looks like one big pointless empty space.

A friend  who was diagnosed with a physical disease said however horrendous the disease was and the treatments,  it was easier to deal with than depression.  People who suffer with mental health issues –  who then also get physcial ailments –  are dealing with both things together.


Anger is a tricky one.   Some aspects of anger are positive.  There wouldn’t be any charitable causes if people didn’t get angry about poverty.  Without anger, women would  never have got the vote; without anger no-one would ever have taken a stand against racial inequality.   But it has negative destructive sides as well. Keeping that under control is important.

What do I do when I feel this way?  I don’t drink alcohol nor do I take any medication.  That’s my choice and my decision for my own life.    But there are things I can do for myself – exercise is a big one.  I belong to a local gym and go at least three times a week.   I try and avoid too much screen time when I feel this way which is hard as we are all wired these days and writers spend half their lives on the internet.  I have my books, my writing. I used to buy books every time I got depressed but then found I was struggling to afford it.  Safe to say I have a lot of books!   And music too of course.  I listen to loads of classical music.   I often listen to my favourite band the Manic Street Preachers.  Although their lyrics are so full of existential angst I’m not sure why it’s therapeutic listening to them I just know that for me, it is.

Family is important. Sometimes I call my wonderful children who give meaning to my life.  I chant too.  But one of the best ways of making myself feel better is to stop thinking about my own stuff and do something to help someone else.   Not always easy but it works everytime.  I think one of the problems with depressive illness  is its tendency to isolate the sufferer.   This is a trap which is to be avoided at all costs,  because talking and being with other people is always constructive if you allow it to be.

15 Replies to “Broken wiring”

  1. I don’t take any pills or anything either. I just take a breathe and try to eat healthier and exercise more. Then I also just try my best to make life better for myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, I think you touched all the elements of both the struggle and the way we need to fight. For me, I use prayer, scripture, fellowship, witnessing as my habits no matter how I feel. Keeps me connected to both God and man.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I like the idea about doing something for others! I hadn’t thought about how much this would help – them and me. It would take a lot of internal push for me to do this. When I’m in a depressive state, This would definitely help to change my focus from internalizing to an external source. Great idea!!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. So very well said. I, too, have found getting out of my own ‘brain’ to help other people or generally ‘do good’ brings comfort and meaning to my existence. I’m also glad to read that your family helps you into a better space.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Good post. I agree with your friend. I have both a physical and mental illness. If I could cure only one it would be the mental illness because it distorts and colors everything else in my world. Hang in there.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I hate almost every aspect of my life right now. I use video games, music, and audiobooks to escape, but it’s only a temporary escape. If I could get away with escaping from society for good, sometimes I think I’d do it. I think I would be genuinely happier being completely alone. But that’s not an option.


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