Sometime over the past couple months I just gave up. I stopped showering as often, stopped answering calls and texts from my family, and stopped going to class. If it wasn’t for bills, I might have stopped going to work. My bedroom floor is covered in clothes, both clean and dirty. I interact with over 100 people each week and while that does not sound like a lot to some, it is to me. It has become overwhelming. I am overwhelmed with life. I feel like a shell of a person. It is a weird thing, knowing you’re in the throes of depression. I can be driving down the road and thinking about how I feel nothing. I don’t feel excited about life. Somehow, I have managed to land a new job that pays more than the one I have now. Somehow, I have managed to find a genuinely good friend in a stranger since moving to a brand-new state where I know nobody. Somehow, I have managed to keep most of the plans we make to hang out. But I still don’t manage to shower every day, be on time for work, or finish a paper on time for class. What is worse is nobody sees it. Not a single person around me has said a word if they have noticed any change. Maybe I am good at hiding it, or maybe they don’t recognize it. Depression looks different on everyone. Thankfully, I have a very supportive family who I feel comfortable telling I am a mess. Even from 1000 miles away they support me and call until I answer in anger. They look pass the cursing for waking me up on a Saturday at 2 pm, even though I have been asleep for 11 hours. There is a lot of pressure for those with mental health issues to talk to someone, but have you talked to them?
I haven’t written in months. I have friends on the internet who have noticed and reached out. It isn’t their job and it isn’t your either. We should all be so lucky to have someone like that. Someone who notices when we aren’t ourselves, even if it is in the tiniest detail. I take my medication, go to my appointments, and do what I am supposed to in order to keep on. This isn’t a cure all. I know this, but many of those around me have the idea that as long as I take my medicine I am fine. I will be fine. I am not fine right now. Check on your people.