The One Thing That Keeps Me Going

More and more people tell me to do what makes me happy. Writing makes me happy. Whether I’m writing a poem, a short story, a novel, or blog journal post; writing makes me happy. Lately it doesn’t feel like anything else makes me happy. Nothing really. Sometimes coworkers make work fun but it’s not something that makes me happy. I mean truly happy like this is exactly what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. Something I feel within my soul reminding me why I’m alive and why I was born. Writing is the only thing that has given me that feeling.

I look back on things I’ve done and things I thought I enjoyed. I feel everything led me to this point. Everything made me who I am; who I’m supposed to be. This realization comes with one fear. I believe I’m supposed to be alone on this journey. Every experience, every encounter, every person I’ve met; it feels like it all is telling me to let go of everything and pursue this adventure alone. I don’t want to be alone. I’ve always felt alone. Why would the Universe tell me my journey is a lonely one?

I’ve heard people say writing is a lonely craft. That’s not true for everyone. Most writers have an editor. Sometimes it’s a close friend. Sometimes it’s a professional who becomes a friend. Some writers have a core group of people they trust to read the early drafts of their work. I’ve tried and failed to find this. People express interest but not much else. When I approach them with my work, I think they’re surprised like they didn’t expect me to follow through. So, I write five different drafts until I feel satisfied and either self-publish or submit to online magazines. I get many rejection letters.

Everyone says that is the life of the writer. Even the great writers had many rejections. Add those rejections to the personal rejections in life. I mean finding the courage to talk to your crush and getting rejected. I mean trying to make new friends and then they disappear and ignore all your attempts at communication. I mean the rejection one feels everyday added to rejections that say your writing isn’t good enough. All those hours you spent improving your story didn’t improve it enough. Rejection on top of rejection on top of more rejections. Not including rejections from childhood that stay with you.

Many writers struggle but most have a support system to help them keep going. Family and friends who tell them not to give up and keep at it. Never give up; never surrender. I don’t have that support. I share my writing and most people ignore it. I share a cat video, and everyone loves it. How do I keep going? The only answer I can think of is writing makes me happy. Nothing else in the world brings me that kind of joy so the rejections don’t break my resolve. I know I’m depressed when I’m not writing.

Writing gets my emotions out. Writing releases my thoughts so they don’t bottle up. It’s therapeutic. But it’s not enough. I’m seeking help but I still need a support system. I need friends and family. I gave up on my family years ago. I keep trying to find new friends, but I don’t think they want to put them time in on me. Maybe I’m too much for them. Maybe they think I’m a basket case. Maybe they don’t care about my writing or if I’m alive or dead. I’d have given up by now if not for writing. Sadly, writing has yet to help me pay the bills. I guess I’ll keep writing until it does.

Advertisements

6 Replies to “The One Thing That Keeps Me Going”

  1. I’ve been in the exact place you’re at, and I’m not there anymore. One thing I can say is that I form more confidence, and therefore draw more people to me, when I’m just happy with myself — when I stop trying to find people in the first place. Accepting that I can be comfortable alone, without being lonely, actually and almost magically drew more people to me.

    I get the feeling that might be hard for you because of certain parts of your background. One thing that really helped me as a writer was actually writing through the parts of my life that were like that, on a personal level. Furthermore, I tried writing and looking at those things with a basic sense of compassion. We call this narrative therapy, and it really helped me.

    Don’t get yourself down when it comes to rejections. I’ve had people ignore my writing pretty frequently, but there always ended up being that one really good project in the end that made me happy with reception to my work again. Don’t let how you feel about your writing be dictated by how someone else sees it. You write for you. If you like it, don’t let someone else ruin your happiness. If it helps, try something like editing other people’s writing on the side so you’re not focused so fiercely on paying the bills with your writing.

    It sounds like you’re in a hard place, so please do definitely practice some self-care right now. Allow yourself to feel down, but also allow yourself to practice self-care while you feel down. Nothing wrong with that.

    Sorry for the essay. 🙂 I’ve just been in the EXACT place you are before, and I had a lot of thoughts about it. These are just suggestions, so feel free not to listen to any part you don’t want to. I hope this helped.

    1. I’ve received many supportive comments on my posts here but I think you’re the first person to say you were once in the same place. Writing my thoughts then posting them has helped me work through these dark periods. It’s nice to know someone worked their way out of the black pit.

  2. My Dear,
    ” I look back on things I’ve done and things I thought I enjoyed. I feel everything led me to this point. Everything made me who I am; who I’m supposed to be. This realization comes with one fear. I believe I’m supposed to be alone on this journey. Every experience, every encounter, every person I’ve met; it feels like it all is telling me to let go of everything and pursue this adventure alone. I don’t want to be alone. I’ve always felt alone. Why would the Universe tell me my journey is a lonely one?”
    You missed your value, you’re not ” lonely”. You have 10K individuals in your next of the woods! You have your heart and mind here, that carriers the perfect blend of realistic and imaginative lessons, characters, settings, woes, wins, exc. No, you are not lonely.
    What your life has been saying is James, go forth
    “alone”, with your writing because that’s your purpose. You have something to say, things people need to hear, and I’ve prepared you to do it.
    Alone is a far cry from lonely.

  3. Writing has been life changing for me and sounds like for you too. Apart from creating, there’s also a release from worries and a feeling of calm. I like the isolation, I like being in control of the whole process. Do other things make me happy? Yes but it’s a different kind of happy.

  4. Yeah I feel what you’re going through. I am a writer, too. It’s not just something I felt like doing, it’s more like what I was created to do. I have written poetry since my teenage years and have blogged a little in the past. Now I am blogging again, combining my two loves, God and writing into one creative output. So far, so good. I don’t have any big dreams of really being all that popular or anything like that but it is nice to have a few followers who read my scribblings. I wish you the best in your writing and I pray that you find exactly what it is in your life that you need.

  5. You know true happiness comes from Jesus Christ. He created you to fulfill His purpose on earth. And He has blessed you with that talent of writing for His honor and glory! He loves you so much that He gave himself as a sacrifice for your sins on the cross so that you can be set free and reconciled to Him. God. You’re never alone and He’s right there with you. Hebrews 13:5. John 3:16-17. Psalms 73:26 take a read of this scriptures He has written. Give your life to Him. He’s coming again very soon. Repent and be baptized in name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Blessings and grace to you. May God heal and transform your entire heart, mind and soul in Jesus name. Amen. 🙂

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.