When I initially started going for therapy, I masked my pain by being overly positive. I was constantly watching meditation videos on YouTube, reading motivational books and novels. Thinking that by doing this, I had my life all figured out. I never allowed myself to grieve – all the trauma I had survived. I never really knew what grieving in this sense meant. I always found myself being empathetic and sympathetic towards other people. But I never thought that I ever deserved the same compassion from others, especially from myself.
Living in Guilt
I was constantly living in guilt. Having been taught by my perpetrators that I was undeserving of love and kindness. I felt guilty whenever I took a chance to take care of myself. Felt guilty for loving how my body unfolded into what it is. I grew to hate myself, started self-harming and using my body as a container for my rage. Using my body as a container for the rage that I felt towards my abusers. Guilt was present in my body, no doubt about that. I was even guilty of living happily despite what I have gone through and overcome. Masking this pain with a smile and being overly positive. Little did I know, that this did more harm than good.
A Spiral Into Depressive Episodes
Hiding my emotions led me into depressive episodes because I never allowed myself to speak up. Therapy was the first outlet that gave me permission to speak up without any judgment. I was constantly speaking to my parents but I always hid my true emotions from them. Out of fear of them getting worried. For fear in itself. I was fearful that I would be judged for who I truly am. My overly positive outlook actually delayed the healing process. I only took notice of this because I have made so much progress lately. I never really knew how detrimental it was to my healing then.
I tried to forgive my abusers prematurely when I began my healing journey. It turned out for the worst, really. As someone who is spiritual, I thought I was obliged to forgive someone because it was my duty(I thought at that time). This made things worse and some of my PTSD symptoms were lingering because I never allowed myself to grieve – revealing my real and raw emotions.
The Reality is…
I deserved to express my emotions no matter how raw and real they were. As a human being, I have the right to be respectfully and authentically me. Despite what my religion or spirituality is and what people say. I am me and that will always be my power. I started a war within myself by not expressing myself. Little did I know, psychosomatic symptoms are a result of stress.
Listen to your yourself, you deserve to be heard no matter what your inner critic says. No matter what the people around you say. Seek help and find people you can confide in. Positivity can be a good thing but too much of it can be catastrophic.
Let us rebuild a healthy state of mind.