So today I’m supposed to work a 6-hour shift. The problem that I’m having is that I can’t bring myself to go or call in. You see the problem I’m having is that I’m really depressed to have been for a few days. Every wrong thing that I do just adds to the fact that I’m not a perfect human being. No matter what I do things just keep piling up. The feelings I have are becoming very much intrusive and becoming a real problem. Everyone I talk to about this says that it’s normal to not want to go to work. i could lose my job if i don’t talk to someone about this this week.
I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve wanted to quit other jobs because of this same problem. I’m at the point where I just want to quit because I’m having problems with my mental health. I can’t afford to do that though at least not until my disability comes in if I get it. I just want to get out from under this cloud and the medications aren’t helping anymore. I just want to feel better you know. although nothing I do is good enough for my boss. I’m not making ends meet with this job and I’m having problems with things in my head a lot more lately. although no matter how hard i try my brain tells me that I can’t do anything correctly.
I can’t help but feel a little guilty that I’m putting the most pressure on my lovely husband. he works full time and doesn’t get like I do during the spring. this depression has felt like a fucking nightmare. no one in my family gets it because they are a bunch of idiots when it comes to mental health stuff. none of them want to learn anything about my disorders. they feel that I should tell them about them let alone the beginning of all of this was nothing I couldn’t handle. it was simple no for going fulltime at my company. that’s when I really got depressed for the second time in a three month period. although no one will really get what it’s like to be in my head doesn’t mean that I can just call in every time I’m feeling like a complete loser.
So some of you might be wondering what it’s like to be in my head the best way to describe it is a living hell. All that I ask of you no matter what your situation is is keep fighting. you’ll get to the end of the tunnel st some point in your life.