My Self-Doubts

I have been through the emotional gauntlet the past month and a half.

For about a month I dealt with the worst depression cycle of the young year. When I was out of the cycle, my mind threw something that hasn’t happened in years–a mixed episode. It was the worst two days of my life. I thought, okay 2019 I hear you, but it was not so easy.

This last week has been the best and the worst. I wrote so much this week, and I am nearing completion of a novella (which was featured on this blog at one point) that desperately need to finish. I was to offer it as part of my Patreon tiers. I started a new semester in my graduate studies. I am finally buckling down and pricing out legit copy editors for the memoir. I am doing everything right, and yet I am struggling again, this time with my social anxiety.

I had three panic attacks this past week, and my anxiety was at its highest level from the moment I opened my eyes. It has been so stressful, and it does not help that I have no car at the moment (it is a whole thing.) So, I have to make adjustments. What makes it worse is that I lost some work due to my car situation. (I am not complaining and I am working on this situation as we speak.)

I am so lost right now. I just need a break from all the mental illness stuff. I have a meeting with my psychiatrist and therapist in the coming weeks, maybe things will change.

I am supposed to be the one that helps others and I forget that sometimes I need to ask for help. If you can please say a prayer for me or send some positive thoughts. Anything will help.

It only gets harder. This week I have a ton to read, a significant project, and of course, I still have to keep my commitments to my freelance work. It would be perfect to just have some time without one of my many issues taking its turn like I am a punching bag. I can only be hopeful right? It is going to be a long week, and while I have not had a cigarette since 2015, it will be so tempting to buy a pack. I don’t have much self control at this point.

I am hoping to write another post this week, if not it is because I am on overload. Stay strong in the fight.

Always Keep Fighting

James

24 Replies to “My Self-Doubts”

  1. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been having such a difficult time. I wish there were more encouraging words to offer, but your line does best, “Always Keep Fighting”. Wishing you all the best.

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  2. The most beautiful souls have to endure the most. Cause beauty grows in pain. And yes its not easy. But we all need a break once in a while. I hope you feel better soon. I will pray for you. Cause i do pray. Just know you are not alone and we are here for you.

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  3. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you, I don’t know what else to say than sending my sincere prayers for you 🤲

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  4. You got this, James. Having a similar month or three over here, too. Try blocking out what you plan to do today, leaving space for recharge time. You can do it.

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  5. I definitely understand the depression and mixed episodes. That alone can take all the fight out of you. On top of that you have many different projects going on. I really don’t know how you do it! I will pray for you, though, and hope that God gets you through it all. Take care of yourself, man. Hang in there and keep fighting.

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    1. Thanks Kevin. Some days I just kinda fool my mind in to dividing up my day into something manageable. Some days I don’t know how I got the the end with my sanity.

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  6. Go to sleep, let your dreams compose a song and you’ll wake up singing it so well that people will sing along with you.

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  7. I will pray for you and also will tell you to have faith that one day you’ll feel better eventually. The better way to describe faith is to believe something that you can’t see. Maybe you can’t see progress but maybe there is even when you can’t see it. https://youtu.be/KeXcHAurv5A if you like music I encourage you to listen to this song. God bless. Take a rest but don’t give writing up.

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  8. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, James. Do take care not to take on too much, okay? I will be thinking about you. Elisabeth

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  9. I’m proud of you. Proud of you for speaking about how you feel, for being vulnerable and for asking others to pray for you. I’ll be praying for you, friend. ❤️

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  10. Please know that it is perfectly okay to not be okay. I haven’t been but so okay in the last few months. And, that’s fine because I’m working to be better. It took me way too long to understand that and I feel it’s my duty to share that knowledge as often as I can. Peace, comfort, and blessings to you on your journey to wellness.

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  11. I am sorry you are struggling right now. I wholeheartedyly agree that it is imperative to step away from the mental illness life as much as you can sometimes. I dont think we should live and breathe everything mental illness sometimes because we are so much more than our illness. Maybe you should take a little break. it is okay to do that even if you can’t post as much. Maybe your post states just that. You need to step away sometimes for a little bit and that is okay. We all understand. First and foremost you must take of yourself James and then the rest will be easier and fall into place for you. I will keep you in my prayers my friend. Much love and hugs, Sue

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  12. Praying for you James!! You do so much good for so many—myself included. Thank you for all you do and share. I hope you will find some quiet time for yourself today to recharge.

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  13. This is sad coz ur doubts are trying to make u feel bad. Check my blog, i have great advice and ways to chill those thoughts and reduce the effects of anxiety and panic. Check the techniques i feature on the menu section.

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  14. Always good to read an honest represenation of someone’s life. Thanks. Social anxiety is the pits. I fear going outside for so many reasons. It makes sense to fear something which can hurt you. I think you are brave and courageous. As am I. All of us who lay out lives out to share and attempt to understand are. It’s a pleasure.

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