Reflecting Before It Gets Ugly

I’m starting to see some negative characteristics in myself. Recently feelings of jealousy have been becoming more and more prominent in my mind.

My jealously is fueled by fear.

The fear of being forgotten. The fear that I won’t be loved anymore. That I will eventually fade from his mind and heart because he will be focused on spending time with friends that he cares about more than me.

I fear that the more time he spends with his friends, the less he will love me.

My anxiety is telling me all of these things despite reality. I know he loves me, I see it everyday!

I know that the tighter I hold on, he will feel suffocated. He will want to push me away instead which is the exact opposite of what I want.

The last thing I want to be is a toxic person to one of the people I love most.

I don’t know how to get rid of these jealous feelings, I’ve never felt this way before.

I want him to be happy in all aspects of life. And I’m not just writing that because I’m about to share this with a bunch of people; I truly mean it.

Have you experienced jealously in a long term relationship or in a friendship? How do/did you cope with it? How were you able to overcome your feelings of jealously?

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18 Replies to “Reflecting Before It Gets Ugly”

  1. I can so relate to this. I struggled with FOMO, feeling my other friends will get closer without me and I get jealous. As cliché as this sounds, I knew my friends won’t do that when they stuck through the good AND bad. They were the ones that sat by me as I was balling my eyes out in pain during my depressive episode, and making sure I was okay. I felt that my vulnerability and authenticity by sharing with them my jealousy towards them and why I am so anxious gave them better understanding on why I was feeling a certain way. Every relationship is different, but I am a firm believer of communicating your feelings with others!

    1. Thank you for this. I, too, have felt this way, but I simply left. I didn’t want drama and I didn’t have a clue how to fix it. My solution was to leave the state without warning. This has turned out to be a very bad habit that is hard to break. I am grateful for the peek into what worked for you.

      1. Thank you for sharing your experience, Jen! I definitely don’t want to end my relationship; I love him too much. I don’t want my fear of abandonment to ruin everything. I’ll let you know if I figure this all out!

      2. Great! I will look forward to it. By the way, due to major changes in my life, I have begun the process of changing my brand and blog.

    2. Thank you for sharing your experience, Haelim! Communication is very important in all relationships. Maybe I’ll say something to him if things continue down this path of jealousy.

  2. Thanks for writing. Yes! I’ve experienced the jealousy—more about friendships anyway. I know it’s cognitively not what my emo is telling me, the feeling is there. I don’t know if I really cope or avoid/deny it? If you have a better answer, let me know! 🙂

  3. I’ve gone through this my whole life and suffocated a lot of different relationships. It became a vicious cycle
    Because I know I’m doing it, so I become more scared of losing them, so I counterintuitively cling tighter until it’s gone. Once I stopped fighting it and saw that I clearly have a fear of abandonment and my brain likes reassurance, but my husband isn’t a mind reader. So I look at jealousy as an unmet need instead of a negative thing to be overcome. Instead of focusing on the jealous feeling – that’s like a sneeze – I look for the virus. Maybe I feel like he’s been on his phone a lot or there’s something he’s not hearing. That’s when I started talking and keep talking until I get whatever I’m holding back out. It’s tough to trust someone like that, but it’s amazing how much you can learn about each other when you focus on things as unmet needs. Good luck!

    1. I appreciate your perspective! I definitely have that fear of abandonment as well which always complicates things.

      1. One thing that helped me with communicating was giving my hubby actions. Instead of saying just I’m upset, I started saying I’m upset because I need more time when we can talk one on one about anything. Sometimes it feels like one of us is distracted. Etc.

        Hope these helps and good luck. Remember the fact you are even aware of the issue is most of the battle! ❤️

  4. Oh jealously…goes hand in hand with toxicity. It will ruin your life if you do not rid yourself of it. I have never been in a healthy relationship, I am always half responsible but after my last relationship, I said no more until I can be secure. That was six almost 7 years ago and I am still single. And happy!

    1. That is exactly why I want to nip this is the bud now before this jealousy monster destroys me and my relationship. How have you been able to work on getting un-toxic?

  5. I’ve been in extremely jealous relationships from both sides. It seems the older I’ve become and the more experience I’ve had with relationships the less jealous I am in general. I still get feelings of jealously, but instead of allowing them to consume me, I allow myself to feel jealous in the moment, though let the thoughts pass on and not poison my mind. My advice to my younger self would be to communicate how I feel with my partner, even if it seems scary to do so.

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