Can I Keep It Together?

I’ve lived with depression and anxiety my entire life so I understand the ups and downs of mental illness well. There are days when all things are fine then others where I wonder if getting out of bed is even worth it.

Right now I’m in a good spot mentally. It’s nice to have that moment to breathe in the fresh air of mental stability. The past few weeks have been lovely because I’ve had the opportunity to celebrate all of the family members I love.

Lately I’ve been reflecting on my journey and have been asking myself how long can I keep it together. I wonder how long will it be before I’m crying under my covers in bed because of my illness. I am worried about how long I’ll be able to stay clean from self-harm.

These spells of mental stability don’t last forever. Eventually I will fall back into my struggles. But how bad will it be next time? How soon should I prepare myself for when everything goes to shit?

Though my overall mind is calm, anxiety still tries to claw its way through my brain so I start worrying again. Then depression is right behind to try and drag me down from the weight of my thoughts.

I worry that my next episode will be miserable. I worry that I won’t be able to keep it together.

How do you keep it together when you feel like you’re crumbling into a million pieces?

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13 Replies to “Can I Keep It Together?”

  1. This post is very relatable for me, also suffering from A&D. For me personally I have had this very internal discussion many a time! I have come up with a potential solution for me that I hope may work for you too in some way!

    One of the things I fear the most is change; I think all of us with anxiety fear it to some degree. However, in my calmer times I have come to realise that if we don’t change anything than nothing will ever change, if that makes sense… For me, that means: “I am miserable in my current job, my employers are bullies and it drove me to the point of a mental breakdown last year. If I don’t actively change something, either by looking for work elsewhere or just leaving my current job, I will continue to be miserable there. I have had an interview today for a new role and have a second interview next week! That feels amazing as it is a ray of hope that I will have changed my situation. For better or worse I have instigated change. Both terrifying and liberating in equal measure. Changing job is a large change to make. But the idea in principle can have a massive impact. If you are able to instigate even a small positive change to your routine or lifestyle then that may improve your overall mindset and therefore delay a relapse. If you can successfully make a small change, try for another! And another! By taking small steps towards a better tomorrow you may never have to fear going back to your dark place. I am currently feeling strong enough to fight for my better tomorrow, I hope this helps you stand up to fight alongside me.
    I know words are much easier to say than to instigate but I truly hope this helps.

    Stay strong and have courage;
    Luna Xxxx

    1. Thank you for this Luna 🙂 Change is definitely a fear of mine. Even as a kid I hated moving up each year in school because it was a change. Oh little Megan!

      I’m happy to hear that you’ve taken the steps to change your situation with work instead of just suffering through it. I really hope you get the job!

      I’m holding on to those words, “stay strong and have courage.”

      1. Yikes, my bad. I understand the pain, because people mistake me for a woman lol. But yes, agony doesn’t discriminate, I guess :).

  2. i know that when i fall to pieces like i have been for the past few weeks i start to wonder if living is even worth it and then i stop and think about how my family would feel. the things about my disorders are that they are so dibilitating that i can’t even muster up the courage or strength to eve wake up but i wake up every day and think today will be better.

    1. Life is already difficult but when you add mental illness(es) on top it makes it so much more challenging. I really hope that you make it through this difficult time. Like you said, your family would be hurt if you were gone.

  3. I can totally relate. I have been having a relatively peaceful time lately and yet I have to wonder when it will all go south again. Living with a cyclical disorder has taught me that the good times and the bad times come and go, and that I shouldn’t get too comfortable in either one. I just take it one day at a time and allow God to get me through it all.

    1. That’s a pretty good way to think about it. That it is all part of life and things change (which is can be scary)

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