Sorry Not Sorry.

 

I’m sorry. It is something I have found myself repeating often. I am sorry when someone has a bad day, when I mess up, when someone else messes up, when the weather isn’t what someone wants, when a television show is upsetting. I am sorry for things completely out of my control. What is so awful is that I mean it every time. I feel sorry from the depth of my soul. I realize that this stems from growing up in a house where guilt was the motivator for everything. I had a mother who could and does hold grudges that will most likely last until long after the world has imploded.

Someone recently said they were sorry that they don’t post as often as they should. I felt that. I feel badly when I let commitments fall to the side while I am picking up the pieces of my life. I feel worse when I am busy just being happy. I want to say something that has been on my mind the past few days.

I am not going to be sorry anymore. Would you get mad at me if I told you that I am making positive life changes that kept me from following through on my posts? Probably not because you are all beautiful people who cheer me on regardless of my manic rollercoaster tendencies. So you shouldn’t be sorry either. Honestly, I worry when people stop posting, but then I think that maybe they are on a long awaited vacation recovering from a spell and I feel better.

I hope that you aren’t sorry too. I hope that you are living your life guilt free and knowing that you have a cheerleader here. I hope you use all your best days to do what makes you happy. I personally really find writing cathartic and find myself wanting to do so on my best days. I want to share my best days with those that comforted me on my worst.

Anyone who knows me in real life will tell you that I am a professional student. I love school. I have been going to school since I was 5 and I really haven’t stopped aside from a few years of breaks here and there to utilize the skills I acquired. People seem to think that I am really smart, but the truth is education is something nobody can take from me. Nobody can claim it as their own and nobody can say that I didn’t work for it. The proof is in the paper my friends! Writing is that for me.

So don’t apologize for your happiness, don’t let anyone take away that victory lap, and don’t feel bad for just doing what you want. If mental illness has taught me anything, it is that I must savor these good days. I have to use them for the things that make me happy, that push me towards more good days.

It is a good thing that we have built a little community here. If you need to take some time to live outside of it, we will be here to fill in.

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17 Replies to “Sorry Not Sorry.”

  1. I tend to be the same way. I have a lot of shame, and my default response to most things is to apologize. Even when I’m justifiably angry at someone, I still end up apologizing.

    In regards to my mental illness (I’m bipolar), I don’t share certain victories with my parents because I’m afraid they won’t understand why I’m stepping out of my comfort zone to be an advocate for mental illnesses. I recently started seeing a therapist, and my parents effectively shamed me for some of the stories I told about my childhood. I am better at spotting shame now, and I know I shouldn’t apologize for other people’s discomfort.

    Thank you for sharing your own journey. I enjoyed your post.

    1. I couldn’t relate more. I recently began speaking to youth about sexual assault as a survivor. I don’t tell my mom because she too is a victim. She doesn’t deal with things in the same way and wouldn’t understand.

      1. My mom is such a private person, but it’s important to speak shame instead of internalizing it and letting it eat you alive. Shame can’t survive if you put it out in the open and acknowledge it for the lie that it is. I’ve just learned this lesson recently (thank you Brené Brown), and I’m still trying consistently implement it. Plus, you never know how it could impact and help others with similar stories.

      2. By the way, can you send me the link to your blog? When I click on your stuff it says it’s no longer available…

  2. Reading some of the comments , made me realize things , how I am unable to cope with shame, How I blame myself for things I never had control of , how I will never be able to look at my past and confront it, how I can’t look back without feeling guilty, how I would never be able to say what really happened.
    I saw myself in so many aspects of your post ,I am an apologetic biss and I hate myself for that, I keep smiling so others won’t feel uncomfortable, I let people step on me because I don’t want to confront them and make them feel the way I feel, I smile when I want to cry , I live my life based on other people’s expectations, I smile and try to make others smile all day long but the truth is , I cry myself to sleep.

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