This post is going to be a little hard to write because I really struggle with putting my mental illnesses into words; so bare with me.
The best way I can explain depression is numbing. You can’t feel anything at all, and anxiety is when you feel everything too much. I cannot tell you how hard it is to have both because they are constantly at war with each other and my head and sometimes I feel crazy. Sometimes, I want to talk about my mental illness with my friends or family, but since they don’t have depression or anxiety, it is really hard for them to relate and it scares me that they will think I’m losing my mind!
I’ve lived with depression for about 6-7 years. I noticed my senior year of high school that I was having symptoms like sleeping all the time, but I just thought it was normal teenage stuff. When my parents told me they were getting a divorce I told them that I wanted to see a therapist. The therapist diagnosed me with depression and ever since then, I’ve had it. A lot of people think depression is just sadness… but it’s so much more. There are days where I don’t want to get out of bed, days I’m too tired to do any cleaning around the house, days where I don’t want to talk to anyone, and I have had days where I literally wanted to die. I don’t have most of these days very often anymore because I am on medication, but they are there. I do still sleep constantly. Even if I try not to. It’s really hard to have school. work, and successful relationships when you don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone.
I’ve had anxiety for about 5-6 years. I developed anxiety in my past relationship. Without having to tell that whole story again, I will just say being in an abusive relationship is like constantly walking on eggshells. You are worried about what you say, what you do, everything. When my anxiety came out, I would get physically sick. I remember one night, we were having an argument and I was on my hands and knees in his back yard throwing up and sobbing. This would happen every time we got in a fight. The panic attacks were the worst. I would lock myself in the bathroom and sit on the floor crying and hyperventilating. My heart would feel like it was beating out of my chest and I would feel dizzy. I thought I was going to die. Nothing could call me down until someone sat with me and held my face and had me breathe with them. Thankfully, I can usually calm myself down enough if I’m having a minor panic attack, but the major ones, it’s still hard.
Having these mental illnesses can make me really angry sometimes. Growing up is hard enough; I didn’t want to add this to my list of things to cope with throughout my life. I’m going to have the illnesses for the rest of my life. That is hard for me to accept.
Sometimes, I still wish I would wake up and I would be fine. But that isn’t and won’t ever be the case. While that is the case, I have to remember that having this is making me stronger. Now that I’m on medication, I feel a lot better! I’m more motivated, happier, more energetic, and determined. It has been great, and a lot of those in my life have noticed a change. This year has been dedicated to making myself better and I am finally seeing results. I want everyone to know, that you can do this. You can get through it!