The Reality of Having Depression and Anxiety

This post is going to be a little hard to write because I really struggle with putting my mental illnesses into words; so bare with me.

The best way I can explain depression is numbing. You can’t feel anything at all, and anxiety is when you feel everything too much. I cannot tell you how hard it is to have both because they are constantly at war with each other and my head and sometimes I feel crazy.  Sometimes, I want to talk about my mental illness with my friends or family, but since they don’t have depression or anxiety, it is really hard for them to relate and it scares me that they will think I’m losing my mind!

I’ve lived with depression for about 6-7 years. I noticed my senior year of high school that I was having symptoms like sleeping all the time, but I just thought it was normal teenage stuff. When my parents told me they were getting a divorce I told them that I wanted to see a therapist. The therapist diagnosed me with depression and ever since then, I’ve had it. A lot of people think depression is just sadness… but it’s so much more. There are days where I don’t want to get out of bed, days I’m too tired to do any cleaning around the house, days where I don’t want to talk to anyone, and I have had days where I literally wanted to die. I don’t have most of these days very often anymore because I am on medication, but they are there. I do still sleep constantly. Even if I try not to. It’s really hard to have school. work, and successful relationships when you don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone.

I’ve had anxiety for about 5-6 years. I developed anxiety in my past relationship. Without having to tell that whole story again, I will just say being in an abusive relationship is like constantly walking on eggshells. You are worried about what you say, what you do, everything. When my anxiety came out, I would get physically sick. I remember one night, we were having an argument and I was on my hands and knees in his back yard throwing up and sobbing. This would happen every time we got in a fight. The panic attacks were the worst.  I would lock myself in the bathroom and sit on the floor crying and hyperventilating. My heart would feel like it was beating out of my chest and I would feel dizzy. I thought I was going to die. Nothing could call me down until someone sat with me and held my face and had me breathe with them. Thankfully, I can usually calm myself down enough if I’m having a minor panic attack, but the major ones, it’s still hard.

Having these mental illnesses can make me really angry sometimes. Growing up is hard enough; I didn’t want to add this to my list of things to cope with throughout my life. I’m going to have the illnesses for the rest of my life. That is hard for me to accept.

Sometimes, I still wish I would wake up and I would be fine. But that isn’t and won’t ever be the case. While that is the case, I have to remember that having this is making me stronger. Now that I’m on medication, I feel a lot better! I’m more motivated, happier, more energetic, and determined. It has been great, and a lot of those in my life have noticed a change. This year has been dedicated to making myself better and I am finally seeing results. I want everyone to know, that you can do this. You can get through it!

 

Love,

Zoe

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19 Replies to “The Reality of Having Depression and Anxiety”

  1. Your vulnerable post is inspiring and relatable. I felt the same way about having a mental illness when I was first diagnosed. I was able to accept it relatively quickly (though the idea of taking medication my whole life still irks me on one level), but I only just recently discovered my experiences could be helpful to other people. I am in awe of how many bloggers exist who want people struggling with mental illnesses to not feel alone. It is a great community, and I am very encouraged by everything I’ve seen and read. Keep on writing, you are good at it. 🙂

  2. Thank you for sharing this. I also experience both depression and anxiety. I understand all too well and appreciate the difficulty that sometimes comes from trying to put our experiences into words.

  3. I wasn’t diagnosed with major depression until April 2019. It took one very bad semester until it finally got looked at. I’ve had depression since I was a little kid and always dealt with anxiety. I’m on meds now but only on a low dose. It’s enough to keep the anxiety attacks at bay… for now. It’s great that you are taking care of yourself this year and doing things that make you happy.

    This is the year I’m also focusing on myself for once. I’m currently on a weight loss journey and am happy with the progress so far. When I’m depressed I don’t eat so I lost 12 lbs in a month and a half. Now I’m eating more, but eating the right things now where before my mind was too foggy to focus on eating right. Good luck on your journey!

  4. It’s brave of you to write about how you feel. It’s also wise, ultimately. I say this because I have learned that the more I share about what is going on inside of me, the less I feel ashamed and the more I learn that others share similar struggles. This has really helped me learn that I’m not the freak of the universe that I used to believe I was. And realizing that I’m just a struggling human being has made it easier to accept my situation and be kinder to myself about it. I hope you have a similar experience!

  5. Well done for witing down how you feel and sharing your journey with us . Glad that you are getting better can I please ask what has helped you in your journey . I have had depression on and off for about 20 years I am on meds but I have now got to that point were I want to move forward with this illness but find it so hard as don’t really have the support of family as they just dont understand depression . My husband is great but he suffers with depression also so sometimes finds it hard to know what to say and do when I’m having a bad day. Also family have said some hurtful things and as I cant change them I can only change my way of thinking but I also know that I need to start telling before how they make me feel but scared to lose them just a shame they don’t feel the same I just feel like they only want me when it suites them and I so need to move forward with this just not sure how if anyone has any advice on this depression journey .

    1. Therapy has helped me immensely. Its nice to talk to someone who is an outsider. Also its nice ti be able to vent if you need to. I highly recommend it. Also i cut negative and toxic people out of my life. I do t have the time or energy to worry about everyone else if they are inly being hurtful and negative.

      1. I’m waiting on counselling. I have cut one person out my life because of the things they have been saying but to be honest didnt really have much to do with them anyway the others are harder

      2. It was definitely hard to cut people out, but it drastically helped my mental health when i started surrounding myself with people who only wanted good things for me. Everyone is different though. 🙂

      3. What helps you on bad days . I want to cut some people out it’s just hard when your not like that to suddenly change and change is hard for me

      4. On bad days i like to listen to music, i made a playlist of some of my favorite songs. I also like to do some sort of art like painting. It always keeps me calm even though im in no ways an artisit. Writing down my feelings helps. Talking to people who can relate or at least inderstand that depression isnt just ‘being sad’.

      5. I also try and do something arty and also put music on to help I am at the moment making some cushion covers for our bedroom but when I’m having a bad day it’s hard to motivate myself

    1. That’s a great question. To be honest, im still working through that. I’ve come to realize what happens to me when i get anxious rather than depression. If im overthinking, worrying, hearts beating too fast, feeling sick to my stomach, or not thinking rationally that is anxiety. I also know what makes me anxious so I know how ill act in certain situations. Depression is usually when i have low energy, dont want to do ANYTHING, and just feel numb. It was hard to admit that i needed to see a therapist, but once i did it, I definitely saw a change. Its nice to talk to someone who isnt directly involved in your life, especially because they will be honest and objective

      1. Thank you for this. This is really helpful. I think I might have both right now. A colleague was able to call my attention as he thinks I have anxiety attacks. But I think i my depression started after a traumatic experience. I’ll see a therapist soon and hope it will help me get better. Thanks again!

  6. I have that exact same horrible combination. The depression came first, for a number of reasons, and then anxiety – often in social situations – which for me was really hard to come to terms with. It is comforting knowing that someone else is out there, and they have beaten those darkest days and started the journey out of the other side. My blog is my medication for the time being. Talking life through has helped me to start to uncover the multitude of reasons behind where I am today.

    I found your post inspiringly hopeful and positive despite what you have been through. Thank you for sharing your experience. I can’t speak for others, but you sharing your thoughts and experiences has helped me. Keep up the good fight!

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