Tell Me

Just over two weeks ago I broke up with my partner of almost two years. June 2nd, would have marked two years. That’s a lot of 2s! I am not sad. I do not miss her. Though if you ask her I’m the biggest liar ever. Among other things. I see all the things now.

While I am not upset that the relationship ended, I am upset that no one said anything sooner. Now that it is done, my therapist says my partner had been exhibiting power and control behaviors. My mom is no longer holding her tongue and gladly speaks her mind.

Why did no one say anything sooner? I know some will say that “you have to come the conclusion yourself” or “it was your choice to make.” But how do I make that choice when I can’t see what’s happening. It’s like I was blind until a certain point. Everyone around me seemed to see these little clues. They noticed snide or rude comments she made. Or how one thing or another actually seemed like a rule. It would be one thing if you said “Hey Amanda, what she said isn’t ok.” An I blew you off. But no one even said that!

I see now I was manipulated a bunch. At the end it got worse and was much easier to see. But why did it have to get so bad? I am a victim of emotional abuse and I have been most of my life. While I actively am working to heal and become my own person, I’m still kind of blind. I am going to make mistakes. Sometimes I need help seeing.

So do me a favor, please. If someone you know is being manipulated, or mistreated, tell them. They might not listen. They might get mad. But tell them and then just be there for them. When they finally get to the point where they are ready to see, they will know that you were there. That is important.

Say something.

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9 Replies to “Tell Me”

  1. I myself was in a relationship (12 years) where none of my friends told me what an a$$ my husband at the time was. They didn’t want to hurt my feelings. After I got fed up, they all told me “Oh we never liked him.” Honestly I saw some signs but we get in denial as well. I feel ya. It’s a hard situation. At least you didn’t wait 12 years like I did. Lol

  2. The tricky part of interfering in other people’s relationships is that it can very often backfire on you and drive a wedge between you and the person you are hoping to help. If your mother had spoken up and you weren’t ready to hear it, you might have been angry with her. The older I get, the more I mind my own business and only give my opinion about my friends’ relationships if they ask me directly. I figure by then, they already have an inkling anyway.

  3. I’ve been on both sides, and it’s a difficult thing for everyone involved. I’m happy you are free from the shackles of that abusive relationship. Wishing you nothing but peace in your future!

  4. I have been in an abusive relationship. Before things shown their true colours to me, everyone else unbeknowing, had already formed their own opinions. I heard those after I split up from this relationship.
    Had I heard anything before, I doubt I would have listened.
    I wouldn’t say anything myself, if I felt someone was in similar shoes who I felt may not be ready to listen. I would instead just be there, when the time came for break-up and support the person then.

  5. I think people assume that you know what they are like and are willing to live with it. :/ Thanks for pointing out that sometimes people do want to be told. But as the others said, it’s usually not information that people want to hear. I’ve told friends before that their partners are abusive, controlling, and manipulative and they stayed with them.

  6. This is a very difficult road to traverse. When someone interferes in another’s relationship, it inevitably can and usually does backfire on that person, even if they had the best intent.

    Instead of viewing it from a perspective of hindsight in what others could have done, take look at the behaviors that you once did not see, for this is the place that true growth can occur. By becoming conscious of our unconscious participation in behaviors that we ultimately cannot tolerate, we gain more control over our direction and the purpose we make in life. Thank you for the great article. Sorry to hear about the break, but each relationship lost is great practice for the ONE that works.

  7. I feel you so bad. Only I loved through it for 11 years. Manipulation and abuse can be really subtle and it takes time to realize what’s going on. Especially after such a long time.

  8. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship too, and I am so happy you were able to get out. The shackles that the person has on you are extremely difficult to break free from. I’m glad you’re out. Stay strong while you heal.

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