It is a bold statement I know, but two and half months on a new anti-anxiety medication has been a road that I want to be on. My Clonazepam has been good to me, and while it is still early in the returns, I have begun to become more of myself knowing I can count on this medication. It has not been perfect or easy. There are days where my anxiety is still a part of my life. I doubt it will fully go away.
I do feel more comfortable outside my safe places, and while I still have a long way to go, it feels good to count on a medication. Many times when I share my experiences with medication its to complain about ineffective psychiatrists and their quest to find the right combination in my life.
The truth is feeling better is just one step, but it has allowed me to write over 170,000 words in my new novel in almost two months. I am writing, which was impossible at one point because of my anxiety. While things have spiraled with my recent manic episode, I can say my anxiety for once was not my worse issue–for once.
I know for some, there have been horror stories not just with Clonazepam but with benzos. The thing is, I have been on them for almost twelve years and getting off these addictive drugs is hard. The other side of it is that I need the medication to survive. It is where my mental health is when it comes to my anxiety. Is it a perfect world? No. It feels like a miracle drug at times, but it is not exactly. I will be monitored by my psychiatrist, general doctor, and therapist.
Medication is such a hard thing to discuss because everyone is different. Recently, I talked about trying Depakote, and it was really affecting my social anxiety. I had to go off, but some people call it their best drug (people have told me.) We are all on different planes of mental illness is how I like to describe it. Medication is one choice, and everyone has that choice. I sometimes wonder what it would be like not having to worry about medication three times a day, but it is my life.
So, as always talk with your doctors and find what works for you. Be the best version of yourself with or without medication. Stay strong in the fight.
Always Keep Fighting
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