I often think about what life would have been like if that day in November 2007, at the age of twenty-two I would have refused to take medication. I was in my first psychiatric ward visit, coming off a suicide, and I had little choice.
After I left the psych ward I could have stopped. Decided that the medication was not worth it. I will admit, medication is a factor in why I am in a better place, but I have used it as a crutch for so long and the question becomes, would I have been better if I decided to quit medications in the beginning?
It is a double edged sword because I am better partly because of medication, perseverance, therapy, and me deciding I was done trying to end my life before I got here. Logically it makes sense that medication is and always will be a part of my life.
I have read and talked to people who have gone off medication in favor of medical marajuana and I have used it successfully as a teen to combat my anxiety and depression. But that leads down a road of addiction. It would not be long where I would use alcohol as well again. Four years sober is a big deal and it’s not a hard leap for me if I was medicine free that I would turn to drinking again. I know that medications and alcohol is a dangerous mix but that never stopped me before, without medication it would be so easy to slip into bad habits.
It’s nice to dream of that life without medication and while I have been successful in getting of medications like antidepressants, other drugs in my life are either too hard to get off without going through some type of detox, my clonazepam, or impossible to get off according to my doctors like Seroquel. I am stuck in traffic this catch 22 that sucks because I want to be medicine free but need the medications to stay stable.
What is worse is I have a doctor that wants me to find more balance by adding medications. Some have been changes that worked–clonazepam is a great example, while others have been disasters like depakote. There has been one medication recently that seems to tip the needle in neither direction. I take it but I don’t feel it doing anything.
So, I continue down this road of living thr medication life and while I am okay with it now I want a future of traveling without having to revolve this next chapter in my life around my medication. It sounds great theory.
To be, or not to be on medication. That is surely the question.
Always Keep Fighting