Most of my life I lived behind “wishful thinking.” I thought when this or that changed, my life would become better and I would be happy.
My “if only” thought pattern began when I developed symptoms of mental illness. Life would have been better and easier if I did not have mental illness. This was and is true and always will be. Everything in life is easier if mental illness pain and the side effects of medications are not interfering with the quality of my life and ability to function.
Of course, it is still possible to find the best you even while living with mental illness, but it is a fact, for me anyway, that my life would have been better, easier and happier if I did not have to live with the interference of mental illness for over two decades of my life.
Sometimes living with the thoughts of “if only” and “when I get through this” was necessary to make it through a painful and difficult moment. Believing that happiness was around the corner helped me survive. I was in such severe pain that I had to believe tomorrow would be better because today was unbearable. Hope came from my dream of a better future.
Also, most of my life I always wanted to be thinner even when I was thin. Today, I desperately need to lose weight and still have the mindset that if I lose weight I will feel better about myself and my life will improve.
Today, my mind tells me if my book was published then I would be so happy and proud of myself and my children would be proud of me. My life would improve and have value and my mental illness journey would have a purpose and would make more sense to me–everything happened for a reason.
I fantasize that getting my book published would lead to more writing opportunities, many speaking engagements and more money. Having more money would allow me to give my children everything they need and deserve to have, and I would be able to complete my bucket lists of traveling.
The fist thing on my bucket list is to travel to England and attend a Wimbledon tennis championship. Next, I want to travel to New York and go to the U.S. Open tennis championship and also see Broadway shows.
It is always great to have goals and dreams especially if and when they give you hope to keep fighting and living. Never forget anything is possible.
Today, I must remember my “if only this or that then I would be happy” thoughts are not necessary and are a lie because the truth is that my happiness is possible now–today at this very moment in time.
While I seek contentment for today, I will still never give up or stop searching and working for more and better. There is always room for improvement in ourselves and in our lives–nothing is ever perfect.
My happiness does not need to be contingent on losing weight first or finding a publisher. I can have happiness and a good life even if those other things do not occur. I need to remember to be happy for today and live for the moment while still always striving to become the best possible me–whatever that might be.
I am continuing to improve my memoir and am working diligently to find a traditional publisher, and improving my mental and physical wellness is a life long quest. During the rest of my journey, I will always give my best effort in everything I do and will ALWAYS let God’s love shine through me and touch others.
Today I am living the dream of mental wellness. I made it.
“Yesterday’s future is my today.”
I am blessed to have learned coping techniques and can say I am on the other side of mental illness–I have achieved mental wellness.
“If I think I crossed the finish line of anything, I find a new race.” ~Susan Walz
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