Off My Chest

So, as you can probably tell, this is not going to be like my usual posts. My brain has returned to its normal, insanely fast pace. I of course didn’t really do anything positive to help myself. I watched some of the saddest music videos I could find. Of course, you know that I believe music to be one of the most powerful things that humans have ever created. A single certain song can make or break your whole day. Today, the song that set my spiral was 1-800-273-8255 by Logic. You may or may not know that that’s actually the number to the National Suicide Hotline. And of course, it has a very sad music video, and very sad lyrics. I found myself sobbing at the end, and went on my usual depressive train…I am not proud of myself, because I worked so hard to become not depressed, and here I am, willingly slipping back into it. Granted, this is not my old clinical depression, this is simply situational depression. Yet, that doesn’t make it suck any less, and that doesn’t make it less terrifying to me.

What I have to get off my chest, is the two main reasons that I wanted to die while I was depressed. These may sound like small problems to you, but to me, they meant everything.

The first reason I wanted to die, is that I am a empath. See, sounds trivial, but let me explain. You see, when I see, or hear about people struggling, with anything, my depression deepens because I cannot help them. It really all stems from the phrase, “You can’t save everyone”. That single phrase kills me inside. There are things going on in peoples life that makes them suicidal. Or maybe you were/are like me, and you’re suicidal for no reason, all the time. You know, now that I think about it, I probably should have started with reason two, because they are rather intertwined. The second reason I wanted to die, is the world f*cking sucks. There are such injustices in the world, slavery, oppression, corporations pushing products down our throats. I like to think that I’m what the kids call “woke” in that I see everything wrong with the world. Yet, I’m only one person. I can’t fix the worlds problems. You see how the two problems are intertwined? It hurts me to my core that there are so many problems in the world, and I can’t fix any of them. I can’t save everyone, nor should I. But that’s where my empathy takes control of my mind. I so badly want people just to love each other, and love themselves. So, I started blogging to help with my own issues, and I really wanted to help as many people as I could reach. The internet is a wild thing, we are all connected now, literally. How can I focus on myself, when there are so many problems in this world. Now, I have to stop myself from thinking like this, because it will drive me deep back into depression, and I cant go back, I won’t.

For real though, like what the actual f*ck is hate? Why do some people hate other based on their skin color, gender, sexuality, whatever. It pisses me off. It pisses me off even more that I used to hate people based on things they couldn’t control. Yet, the wealthy and greedy all only care about money or power, or both. I mean, we could cure cancer, but do you know why we won’t? There is more money to be made treating the disease than curing it. That’s f*cked isn’t it?! Why the actual f*ck is there a market for child sex? Like WTF is wrong with people? Why do corporations continue to destroy the planet, and then blame our individual actions? Like me using a plastic straw is worse than dumping millions of gallons of trash into the ocean. This world is just full of such bullsh*t, and I couldn’t stand it. That’s why I wanted to die. The rich and powerful continue to trick the rest of us, making us think we can change things. But as soon as we affect their bottom line, it gets swept under the rug.

I am terrified to have kids, because I KNOW that I won’t be able to leave the world a better place for him/her/them. And I’m just supposed to live my best life, while turning a blind eye to all this? How the heck can I do that? I so desperately want to live a normal, not even happy, just like baseline, life. These thoughts though, it is a real struggle. Now don’t get me wrong, there is true beauty in the world. I want to be able to focus on the good in life, I think that’s the only way I’ll make it, but I don’t know if I can. I need hope. It’s as simple as that. ECT did treat, and probably, cure my med resistant depression. But without hope, I don’t see my life changing all that much. Please. Whatever you do, just love yourself, love others, let’s make this world a place suitable for our children, our children’s children. Let’s just live and love life. Please.


51 Replies to “Off My Chest”

  1. I feel like you could be writing from MY heart. As a fellow empath, I know how it feels when the world just overwhelmingly hurts. I appreciate your transparency and willingness to share. Stay strong, my friend.

  2. Your two main issues are pretty much mine, too. Not that I can actually do this yet, but it seems I need to stop worrying so much about The World. :/

      1. The world is always crap, though. If others can still function in the crap, surely empaths can too. Right? Someone tell me I’m right; like a counselor.

  3. this sounds so cliche but I feel your pain so deeply. I, too, am an empath, always trying to save others while my own mental health sucks so bad. I don’t think of what it does to me while I worry about the rest of the world. But it does add to depression. Right now I’m trying to limit myself to the outside new as it’s killing me to have the president we have in the US, making everything worse. We have to try to take care of ourselves the best we can and then try to help others in small and measured ways. You have a beautiful heart. <3

    1. Thank you, and I am trying my best, but it feels like it’s never enough. I hope that we can both limit ourselves from feeling this way, and better our own lives. Thank you again🤗

      1. Yes, and thank you for sharing. So many of us are in the same boat.

  4. I have never been able to “label” myself anything [others do it enough] I consider myself to be “hyper” sensitive….only based on the current status of majority(?) of a desensitized american nw society. I am much older in years w/limited experience because what I’ve forever saw was such an injustice so early on..i never felt to belong. I contemplated trying ECT for treatment & bailed last minute. My mental “health” has limited a lot in how I wish to “change” the world we exist in. I don’t understand how people can “not” be depressed w/so much suffering & pain around this world…..I will probably go to my grave not understanding “hate” or the joy others get by inflicting “harm” to another…..pride seems to be a catalyst to have contaminated these minds…..

    1. I am sorry that you’re one of us, by us, I mean the people who actually care. The good news is, that the world is slowly changing, I don’t know if I’ll live to see it “fixed” but I’m damn sure going to try my hardest to change what I can. It’s probably a good thing that you don’t understand hate, it makes you a better person. I think the best we can do is just live as best we can, help where and when we can, and support those like us, because we aren’t alone. Much love❤️

  5. I’m also an empath and feel people’s pain too much as well. The positive side of being an empath is that we can feel others joy as well and that is what I try to focus on. I feel all the same things as you especially regarding racism. Don’t even get me started on that. Don’t be hard on yourself right now. Keep fighting and stay gold.

      1. I hope you can and I have faith you will. Recovery is possible. It just takes longer than we want sometimes. Much love. 😊💗

      2. Yeah you’re right, it’s taking longer than I want, but I’ll get there eventually

      3. Thanks! I know now that recover is not a straight line, and that the bumps and dips are just temporary. Thanks again for the love and concern! ❤️

      4. ☺️Thanks! I actually have a new blog if you’re interested
        It’s called Out Of My Mind, and I post (almost) daily

      5. I will check it out soon. I have to leave in a couple minutes. I will follow your new blog. I know this before looking because I know you are a great writer. Keep fighting the fight. You got this.

  6. Alan I have very very similar feelings about having children. They will enter a world dying due to climate change, I would bring them into a world that is full of evil. I think about this all of the time and it makes me depressed and confused. We can create our own safe bubble all we want but turning a blind eye to the evils of the world is choosing to be ignorant.

  7. Life is a struggle my friend. But it’s through struggle that things change. If you look back at all the great campaigns for freedom, anti-slavery, anti-apartheid, and now anti-surveillance, there were and are people doing everything they could, sometimes at great personal cost. Find something to be passionate about – whether its mental health or something else and join one of the groups out there trying to change stuff. Good luck and stay hopeful. The human spirit endures.

  8. It’s true you can’t help everyone or fix the world but that’s no reason not to help some people or improve some problems. Doing things like volunteer work or a job that makes you feel useful can bring relief from the overwhelming sense of hopelessness. Try to focus on what you CAN do. I’m sure you have some skill or talent that you could use to make your little part of the world a better place . Even something like picking up trash or donating money or goods or teaching someone something that you are good at. Not good at anything? Then take a class in something that you’re interested in. Read books. Watch YouTube . Become an expert and then share it. Try not to look at the big picture too much . You’re one person and you can make a difference. Never give up! Also try running. It’s great for the brain.

    1. I know, and thank you for the reassuring words. I always help where and when I can, particularly with my writing. I just lost my cool last night, but hey, it happens, I’m human. Thank you again, stay awesome!

    1. Thanks, I don’t think we’ll ever find out, but we help what and where we can…that’s the best we can do. Hugs received and reciprocated🤗

  9. Thank you so much for sharing 🙂 Admittedly, suicide is always a tough topic, for me as well. But, I’d like to share with you 3 things:
    The first is an idea that I use to help fight my frequent habit of putting everything else before my own health: a broken crutch can’t help a man with a broken leg. In this case, I’m the crutch. I use this to remind myself that, if I’m not healthy and stable, my ability to help others is limited. I help others BY helping myself. It may not feel believable at any one moment, but I’ve learned that it is true over time because it makes my ability to help others sustainable.
    The second is my personal opinion on why hate exists. This is, in fact, part of what drove me to study Anthropology – the question “Why is there hate?” And, my studies have allowed me to reach some conclusions, though please note these are my own and in no way actual Anthropological theories. I believe hate exists because human society, as it is now, was not really created to accommodate all human needs. You see, for the vast majority of the time that homo sapiens has been on the planet, it has existed in small, hunter-gatherer groups of about a maximum of 40. This is because this was the number of people that could sustainably survive this way. Any more and groups would have to stray from their usual food sources to find enough. Larger gatherings weren’t unheard of, but they were uncommon. This means that people, for thousands of years, were “programmed” by evolution to pick a community of about 40 people to identify as their “in-group.” All others were outsiders who (most of the time) only served as competition in terms of acquiring resources. Of course, today, we live in groups far, far larger than 40 people. You could easily have 40 people living in the same building as you. But, humans are still “programmed” to want an in-group of only about 40 and most people find ways to make this happen. Those outside your in-group are still considered threatening, but now you have to face them every single day. You become familiar with them even though you perceive them as a threat and, so, hatred grows. I also believe mental illness is, in part, related to group size, but that isn’t the topic here.
    The third is the reason I believe hope exists. Recently, my aunt has educated me a bit on “Vision Zero,” which is a system of theories supported by activist groups that help with road design in order to reduce the number of traffic deaths. Basically, they believe that road design and engineering that takes into account (common and repetitive) human errors and behavioural tendencies can identify and fix areas where accidents are common. And, their early work has proven them right. The first change they recommended, at a tricky intersection, has already reduced the number of accidents significantly. Even commuters have commended the change, not realizing the source. I believe the same concept can be applied to societies at large. I don’t know how yet, but that is going to be part of the work. We can build a better future as long as we acknowledge that we are flawed creatures and are willing to accommodate for that. First and foremost, we need to shift our culture away from ideas that counter this: like that we alone are made in the image of God or that human beings are the smartest animal. It’s going to be hard work, but I think we can do it. Some ideas are already out there, like “survival of the kindest” and the foundations of disability studies. We just need to keep building.
    Lastly, I wanted to add one more thing. Thank you. For writing this, for letting me reply. While these ideas existed in my head, writing them down for another has allowed me to synthesize them in a slightly new way and it has provided me with a better idea of what to do next with my life. Sorry, this became so long…

    1. You are right, and your ideas make a lot of sense. I believe that now that I am in a better place emotionally, I can offer better help. But you’re right, you can’t really offer the best help, if you yourself are struggling. Admittedly, I was struggling the night I wrote this post. Though I have since recovered. You’re also right that we can create a better future, but it is going to take a whole lot of work. So I have a small bundle of hope in the back of my mind, but so far, humanity hasn’t come together to fix these world problems. Thank you for your comment, I always like reading all comments, but yours are especially interesting. Also glad I could help you with your ideas, always glad to hear that my writing serves more purpose than just venting. Hugs 🤗

  10. It might sound a bit cheesy but I am an empath too. Being a classics fan, I have never dickens because all of his stories are tragic. When I read , I live through the characters. I don’t watch very sad movies not because I like to live in the fog of ignorance but because I know that just watching or reading something like that will be as if I am the one who is going through it. It upsets my mind and my body. I cry even in the most little scenes in movies or short films or even very touching songs.

      1. There are some Japanese animated movies I cannot bring myself to watch again. I cried for hours when I watched them. I still do when I remember.

  11. I honestly thought I was the only one on earth who’s brain races when I am not balanced as my kids and I call it. It’s nice to know I am not alone. Luckily after a few days in the psyc ward they places my on a medicine that has stopped my brain from racing the only thing is I’ve been living that way for 39 years so now I feel like I am learning to live all over again with some mental peace. Thanks for the post it made me feel better. Hope your in a better place soon mentally.

    1. There’s always mixed feelings when someone can relate. I’m sorry that you go through the same struggles as me, but also glad that you don’t feel so alone. Then again, I’m weird, so, whatever. Glad you liked the article!

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