Mania, My Favorite Subject to Write

Mania is such an interesting part of my Bipolar 1 diagnosis because its not so bad during. Sure, my behavior is extreme. I go through outrageous spending sprees on things that I don’t need. I tend not to sleep. My behaviors can be reckless, and I can feel on top of the world. It is such an opposite of deep depression that I tend to like it, even when the crash is worse at times than hitting rock bottom with depression or a panic attack.

I was asked what is it like to have a bad manic attack, and I have to admit it was tough to think about because when you’re in the moment, it feels like you can do anything. Recently I went through a bad manic episode, and I say bad because of the ending was horrible, and it was the actions that led to the conclusion that it was a manic episode and both good in a way and bad for my mental health.

One of the worst parts of my manic episode is when my list of things I want on my Amazon account begins to balloon into what I call “things I don’t need but really want.” Even worse is when those things start becoming boxes coming to my house. It is always small useless things that I want more than actually what I need. It has always been that way when it comes to the manic side. I spend way too much money on needless things when I am manic. This is just one bad thing about mania.

The Feeling on Top of the World

One of the bad parts for me with mania, and one that gets be in trouble when the manic episode is over–The feeling that your on top of the world.

My recent manic episode saw me write on average 5-8 thousand words on my fantasy fiction novel that I completed in roughly five months from start to finish and ended at around 200k in words. I have never been productive for weeks on end. I was writing every day and not missing a beat. It was all great, but it was my manic side taking over.

In contrast, the last two weeks since finishing my first draft, I have seen a deep decline in productivity. Depression has pushed me into the unfocused part of my illness. It also affected my overall school work. When I am manic, I tend to be overzealous and think everything I do is perfect. I got a rude awakening during my manic episode in the form of the worst grade I have ever got, and it panicked me to a point where I wanted to quit school. Good thing I can still be reasonable even when in a manic episode and things got better.

The “top of the world” feeling is great in the manic episode, but it can be dangerous. I was not eating right. Sleep was non-existent. I was heading down a dangerous path, and the manic fall always leads me into a depression cycle.

Mania is tough to define, and to really say it is an unfortunate part of my illness feels false because I feel more productive. It might be spurred on by mania, but it feels good. I have been on the side of trying to write when I am depressed, and it is considerably harder to find my motivation. Still, mania is something that needs to be fixed in my life, and I have a new medication that might solve many of my issues with my manic side. Is it good or bad? I would say a bit of both.

Always Keep Fighting

James

Become a Patron!
Advertisements

5 Replies to “Mania, My Favorite Subject to Write”

  1. Thank you for sharing 🙂 I would recommend you look into reading “Marbles, Mania, Depression, Michelangelo, and Me.” It is a very quick graphic novel that explores how the artist, Forney, thinks of and copes with her Bipolar 1. It includes how she copes as a professional artist and, essentially, her own boss. I think and hope you might find it helpful.

  2. In Mania is better to get some help with meds. I m bipolar 2 rapid cycles my mania is not as bad as yours but I have spent money I could not afford to pay in the past much more then now in meds. It help but takes away the false happiness that we feel when manic. My high does not demonstrate in very big ways but I did drive fast on the opposite side of the road and a few things plus I used to hurt myself and attempt suicide that was under a low, a very bad one. My survival came from God. After taking 12 milligrams or 24 total, I do not remember the strength. I told God I did not truly die but I expected to happen. I had big reasons in my mind. Well the Lord used my manic side to keep me up all night.
    My doctor told me later that if I went to sleep I would have died. God new my heart and saved my life. Here I m 30 years later with good meds but I m always missing the good highs. Get well God bless you.

  3. I definitely understand the allure of elated mania, but my particular flavor of elated mania always brings negative ramifications. I’m not so much a hyperspender. My impulsivity of choice is usually dangerous adventure or outlandish behavior in public. My sad story is that my extreme manias also tend to turn mixed, at their worst. That’s not only dangerous, but sometimes as bad as traumatic. If I’m lucky enough to have pleasurable delusions or hallucinations, again, they usually turn absurd or downright frightening.

    I’ve been a member of a few bipolar online forums throughout the years. Sometimes when comparing my manias and psychoses to others’, it’s like a different kind of animal.

  4. I have similar bouts of compulsive daydreaming when I live only in my head I pace and act like anything. During that time, I can be anyone. It stimulates me and gives me energy. It gives me something to be happy about- while it lasts. After it ends I find that I have spent hours in daydreaming and my legs hurt, I have tons of work left and I feel tired as hell.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.