I Hate Myself and Don’t Deserve Good Things

Anxiety. Depression. PTSD. Codependency. On any given day, I’m dealing with one or more of these issues. It has taken several years for me to understand what I’m going through. I didn’t realize I was codependent until recently. That one hit harder than the others. Most of my behaviors stem from one of my issues. It feels like my entire personality is a lie. Everything I held with pride as part of who I was; it all comes from poor mental health. I’ve had a minor identity crisis for the past year. I’m rediscovering who I am as a person.

The first thing I discovered about myself was I didn’t like myself. Most of that dislike grew from anxiety and depression. And from not receiving much of any positive attention for the majority of my life. I rarely receive compliments. When I do, my first thought is to point out my flaws. The next thought is that person is lying. They’re not genuine. I’ve been working to ignore these thoughts and say thank you. It feels selfish sometimes to only thank someone for anything. Then I remember how much one thank you would mean to me. I’ve rarely gotten a thank you for anything.

I spent my life not aware of how much I disliked myself. I often felt I didn’t deserve happiness. I felt I had to earn it in some way. But no one could tell me how to earn it. Life doesn’t come with a manual. No one tells you how to take care of your body. No one tells you how to make friends. No one tells you how to talk to potential romantic or sexual partners. Not for me anyway. Most people have their parents and families in these situations. I didn’t. My parents were dealing with their own issues.

I’ve searched for things I like about myself. Easier said than done. I have a daily mantra. I don’t always remember to say it. But I’ve been saying it more often. On bad days, I’ll say it 10 or 12 times. And each time I repeat it three times. It’s like exercising. I do 10 or 12 sets of three reps. The mind is a muscle. It gets stronger overtime. Nothing happens overnight. Positive thoughts lead to a happier life. I’m improving. I’m healing. But I’m nowhere close to the end.

My biggest fear with all this is I may never heal enough to have a romantic relationship. I’ve stepped back since I realized I was codependent. I want to work through that before pursuing romance. I don’t want to fall back into old habits. I’m certain I’ll be ready one day. But I feel older than I am. I’m too set in my ways being alone. I’ve wanted children but that doesn’t look like a realistic goal anymore. I’d be happy with a partner to share my life with. First, I have to believe I deserve good things. No one will love me until I love myself. 

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14 Replies to “I Hate Myself and Don’t Deserve Good Things”

  1. Very true. If you want it, go for it. Before becoming coodipend it takes a little time so be careful about their behavior. Good luck will say a prayer for you now.

  2. First of all you a pat on the back and more than that for writing. Secondly you are discovering who you really are. Second plus! You are not afraid to put yourself out there. Third plus. You are growing and making an effort to understand all of it. Fourth plus!

    You are important. You are changing. Keep on moving forward. Only NOW matters. Not what has been. Suzanne

  3. Thank you so much for sharing. I’ve felt so many things that you have described here. I hope you continue to heal; PTSD can be a roller coaster, but you seem to be developing coping skills that are helping you.

  4. This blog is inspiring you have shared such a personal aspect of your life and I can relate to the self dislike I to have mental health conditions it’s really hard to function in life when your own mind is your enemy but thank you for this post

  5. “First, I have to believe I deserve good things. No one will love me until I love myself.” – That’s a great start. You deserve the good and all the love, first from self then others will follow, I believe.

    Hugs.

  6. I relate to much of what you have written here. I applaud you for trying to make changes to feel better about yourself-even the daily affirmations can make a lot of difference to how we feel about ourselves. I’m currently struggling with self-hatred – I cringe when people compliment me and feel that I’m not a good person and don’t deserve good things to happen to me. In fact, I often find myself acting in a punitive way towards myself as it just feels right somehow. It’s something I need to work on. I am glad that you are beginning to take steps to make real changes X

  7. “I’ve wanted children but that doesn’t look like a realistic goal anymore.”

    Bullshit. That’s defeatism at it’s finest. Having a Mental Illness is no reason to not have kids.

    -raises hand-

    I’m all sorts of fucked up from ‘post concussive syndrome’, and I’ve got two awesome kids who think I’m the greatest dad to walk the planet. And it’s got it’s difficulties. I get anxiety attacks, I get sensory overwhelmed and have to leave the room if they get too loud… But I struggle through it because their worth it. And no one makes you feel like a super hero more than kids who have nothing but love and adoration for you.

    But if you wait to ‘work through’ your issues, you may very well miss a golden opportunity for genuine romance.

    Now… by all means, work through your issues! But don’t lock yourself away until you’ve decided if you are ‘good enough’ to put yourself out there to pursue love and a family. Keep at it, keep hoping, keep praying, keep working on yourself while putting yourself out there. It will come. Don’t accept defeat and don’t give up.

    1. There’s a lot of other issues going on that weren’t mentioned in this article. I’ve been dealing with many things for 30 years and didn’t know it. My concerns are having the time to become comfortable with another person and then reaching the point in the relationship to have children. I’m working on becoming more comfortable with other people faster. I’m giving myself a year or two and then see how I’m doing.

  8. I can absolutely relate. Recognizing my marriage had crumbled irretrievably and gathering the courage to walk away from abuse and co-dependency was tough but it may be saving my life. Getting out of a toxic relationship has done wonders for my struggle with mental illness. It’s still there, I’m fighting every day to resist putting myself down, I’m doing those mental reps of positive thoughts as you mentioned too. I even have them set to alarm every day on my phone. We will both heal.
    Thank you for your writing, thank you for sharing. You’re not alone.

  9. I can definitely relate to this in a lot of ways. I was humiliated a lot as a child by my teachers and my classmates. Now whenever I get a compliment, I get so embarrassed. I start sweating and my only thought is escape. Like you,I too refute the other person by pointing out my faults and how that achievement was not a very big deal.
    But I have made progress over the years. As you rightly said, Mind is a muscle which has to be trained. It took time but now I realize I have a right to be happy. I don’t have to please everyone I meet. I just thank people who compliment me because I know I have earned it.
    Funny thing about the society is their expectations. When someone compliments you, they often expect you to refute it. If you just accept it normally they think you have a lot of attitude!

  10. This is beautiful. What a lot of us have wanted to say now, or at a previous point. You are brave, the first step is being able to let this all out. You can and will find a love within yourself. The affirmations are a great deal of help, but acceptance is another. Society is skewed to make us feel trapped in something that isn’t usual or common, but remember all of these thoughts are more common than we think or than are portrayed around us.

    You’ve identified things you feel indifferent about within yourself. Focus on one until you feel freed. What makes you anxious? Is it a person, a situation, a location, a task? What will you do when that appears?

    I’m also quite codependent. Exactly how you described you how felt when you discovered it is how I felt. I was proud I had discovered this “flaw” as we see it, but so down on myself for that being a quality I wasn’t sure I’d be able to over come. I haven’t yet and it’s been months since I’ve decided to do something to change it. HOWEVER, I have adjusted small things. Codependency on certain things were able to diminish more than others, but I am proud of where I’ve landed. And in this accomplishment I’ve been able to discover more strengths in myself.

    Feel free to reach out. These milestones are best conquered with others.

    Thank you again for sharing, this was great.

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