The Bipolar Writer is depressed. I hate admitting that, but it is the truth.
I always envision myself as a beacon of hope, especially in my recovery with depression. It never goes away, my depression, it is still there waiting for me–my familiar companion. In recent years, especially since starting this blog, I have had less depressive episodes, and my depression cycles have been manageable. I have a typical winter depressive cycle that begins in late October and usually goes until April, but in recent years it has been mild. I usually skip my summer depression, and it is what makes this all the harder to admit to myself first and here on my blog.
My current depression cycle is now almost two months long, and it has been harder for me in the last two weeks. I either can’t get to sleep even with Seroquel, or I oversleep. I wake more tired than the day before, and the lack of sleep is taking a toll on my mental health. I have had little desire to eat. I end up forcing myself to shower, brush my teeth, and get on with my day. It is not like the old days when I had no responsibilities. I can’t just lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. I am a graduate student, and I have a full course load at the moment.
For the first time in years, I have felt really hopeless when I am depressed, and while things always get better, I feel as if this is one of the worst depression cycles since the early days of my diagnosis of Bipolar One.
I am supposed to be stronger than this, and I feel obligated to write when things are right about ways to help people. I always turn away from writing when things are wrong in my life because I don’t want to be a burden on the community I have cultivated here. I have felt alone in all this because I have not reached out as much as I should here on my blog. The one place where I feel safe talking about depression.
My family knows what is going on, and that is good but beyond that? It feels like I am more alone in this depression cycle. What’s worse is the isolation from the world. I stay at home because it is the only place I feel safe and when I do leave my house I am a ball of mess. My depression is keeping me from working as much with my freelance work. I have just enough energy each day to get my school work done.
I could be in it for the long run, but I will try an update on how things are, and I am ever hopeful that things will turn around. It is funny, I had the worst manic episode (lasting close to a month) this year, and now I am in the midst of the worst depression cycle in a long time. Life is funny. Stay strong in the fight.
Always Keep Fighting
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