Babbles: Truths

women wearing sun hat
Photo by Lucas Lima on Pexels.com

It’s been a while since I have taken the time to sit down and write.  True.

I have not been feeling motivated to write. True.

I don’t feel like I have had much creativity over the last few weeks. True.

I have been struggling to make it through the workday.  True.

I have been sleeping more than normal. True.

I spent all weekend in bed last weekend. True.

I’ve been suffering from depression. I finally confess, that this is also, true.

 

It’s amazing home things sneak up on us.  How we are doing well and then as days turn into weeks, weeks into a month and before we know it, we are having trouble getting out of bed and we are dreading leaving the house.  We look at the shower and contemplate the necessity of this torture chamber, and debate whether our hair really needs to be washed.

I swear just a few days ago I was fine, but then when I really think about it, it wasn’t a few days ago, it was more than a month ago, and I have not been fine for a while.  I’ve been tired, exhausted, and agitated, fussy and not much fun to be around.  I look forward to sleeping at night, treasure the hours when I get to disappear from the world and live in my dream world, and spend all day waiting to go back.

I have been lying to myself.  Telling myself that it’s the heat, that’s it, the heat, it’s just wearing me down.  Or, that it’s just a dreadful day, that I am grouchy because I am constipated perhaps due to meat or gluten.  Or due to a restless night’s sleep disturbed by nightmares.  I’ve also blamed it on stress from work, stuff with the kids, or just blame it on life in general, yeah that’s a good one.  Plus my favorite is citing the medication change, which most times that IS the trigger to my ups and downs, but still, I have been in denial.

The bad data that has been filling my head with negative thoughts, the feelings of despair and the idea that I am not good enough have been torture.  The tears that have been running down my face, the amount of mascara that I have wasted, that time that has spent wiping snot off of my face, I have simply lost count.  Swollen, puffy, red eyes, looking back at myself in the mirror wondering where the sparkle has gone.  Wondering why I can’t help but to yell, why do I do this, what is happening?  Why do I feel this way?

Why does the good Segway into the bad?  Why is this so cyclical? How long will I go before the sunshine comes back and when it returns, how long will it stay?

Tomorrow, tomorrow, the sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there will be sun…

 

Cupcakes with Sprinkles,

~Bella

www.bellasbabbles.com

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16 Replies to “Babbles: Truths”

  1. Hi Bella, my heart is with you !
    It’s normal for all of us to be sad sometimes, but do not hesitate to talk to someone if you feel really overwhelmed! hope you’ll feel better soon !

    1. Thank you Mira.
      I have been open and talking, with my therapist and close friends.
      I have been meditating and making sure that I am working on balance and countering negativity and incorporating positivity into my day.
      I am setting limits and allowing myself to do less until I am back to feeling like myself.
      Thank you for your note, for taking the time to read my babble and for your well wishes, they have been well received.

  2. Hi, I really feel for you, my lovely, I do sympathize with you totally, as mira said above please do not hesitate talk to someone I know it can be scary because I was terrified but it’s almost guided me in the right direction, if it helps my mental health blog is available to read if you want to. ❤️ be strong, sending prayers 🙏 Thanks for posting.

    1. Thank you so very much. I will for sure check out your blog, thank you for sending me a note and letting me know that you have a blog for me to read and gain support and encouragement.
      Each day gets better. I just have to remind myself that each little bump in the road makes me stronger and I will get back to where I was and exceed that place, in time.
      Thank you again for the note, and the prayers. I really really appreciate them!~

    1. I have been working on the slowing down part. I am working on saying no. I am limiting my after work commitments so I am able to spend more time resting and taking care of my mind and my body. I, at one time, was given the example of needing to put the oxygen mask on myself first, prior to helping others, and this was such an amazing illustration, yet I often try and help others first, and then tend to myself second. Thank you for the reminder, that I do indeed need to slow down, take care of me, and then after all that is done, go about my way.
      I appreciate your note and the time that you took to submit it.

  3. I love this authentic person you are being. You are not alone in your struggles. What is your self care plan?
    One of mine is writing poetry. Hang in there.❤️

    1. Self care… every night I have been meditating with guided meditations. I take a good 30 minutes and me and my little fur ball excuse ourselves and spend time with a guided meditation, and this has really helped me with my sleep, which had been disturbed and causing a host of other problems, plus it has decreased anxiety and stress.
      I enjoy writing as well, but have not been writing much, I also am very into crafts, but have not been in my craft room much over the last month. And I teach crafting as well. Which I love, the fact that I get to share my love for crafting with others, and share the excitement and creativity with others bring such joy to my heart. I teach again next weekend and am working to take care of myself so I will be in a good place come next Sunday the class will be enjoyable for myself and those that attend.
      Thank you for reading, for sending me a note and sharing.

      1. It sounds like you are taking many actions to care for your well being. Way to go! This isn’t easy but it is always worthwhile.

  4. You’re welcome, I write to try and guide and help others with support, your story felt as if i related to it in my past, take extremely good care of yourself, yes i agree each little dump makes you as strong as can be and you will definitely succeed….. Try and be happy, Peace,love,and prayers your way ❤️✌🙏

  5. I am very new to blogging… It’s crazy how there are so many people who truly understand what’s life is like for me… Because have the same struggles… I don’t feel so alone anymore.

    I really hope this phase doesn’t last a long time. So sorry you are back in the dark… Can’t wait to hear about your sunshine.

    1. It brings warmth to my heart to hear that you do not feel so alone…. thank you for sharing that with me.
      I am sure that I will be back onto green pastures with sunshine and rainbows and unicorns in no time… just a bump in the road, a time to build me up and make me stronger…
      thank you for reading and leaving me a note… sending you strength and positive vibes.

    2. You’ll never be alone my lovely, yes at first it may definitely feel that way but we are all in this together, look forward to reading your blogs. Sending prayers🙏 ❤️✌😁

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