The past 2 weeks

so this week my rapist’s sister had made contact with me. she said that i showed up in her possible friends feed. now you see i’m very afraid that he’ll find me again since i’m so close to Grand Rapids. i’m not the greatest person to be around since the incidents. i’m very much a scaredy cat. i can’t handle people coming up behind me and scaring me or startling me without wanting to beat the absolute shit out of them.

i have a problem yes i realize this. i have a problem because i have PTSD. this is not a curable disorder. yes it can go into remission like cancer but the over thing is that it causes the person severe problems in life. things haven’t been all that great for me lately. my counselor had canceled on me last week and i’ve been freaking the fuck out.

no one has really cancelled on me the day before. it honestly scares the shit out of me when someone cancels on me at the last minute. i always feel like they cancel because they don’t want to see me. i have always thought that i was depressing to be around. i can’t help but feel like it’s my fault when someone cancels on me. i get scared that it will happen more and more often just so that they can avoid me.

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5 Replies to “The past 2 weeks”

  1. I am so sorry you are going through this. Just try to remember that all those bad thoughts is coming from your dark side. Try to fight them with positive thoughts. Keep trying until your good thoughts win. Buy some pepper spray or something. I hope everything gets better soon.

  2. I’m sorry you feel this way. I think you should explain to your counselor how you feel. Maybe next time they will have the notifier tell you why they can’t make it. Counselors have lives too-the one time my therapist cancelled i knew it was because of car troubles and the explanation helped ♡

  3. Fear from trauma takes time to heal. I understand it because I have lived it. Be gentle with yourself and as ‘lostinmyhead07’ said, Fight the dark thoughts with a positive mindset. Meditation can make a difference if that option has not been extended to you through counseling – because the subconscious mind cannot distinguish between what you see with your eyes open or closed. You can create a Sacred Space to extinguish your fear by seeing yourself as a warrior woman with bad azz ninja skills kicking the crap out of the abuser and winning in a meditation. It can help strengthen your resolve.

  4. Hey, I’ve never been through what you have been through. I will pray for you. Your fears are real don’t deny them. Just follow through with the professional help your getting. I know its difficult to trust. I lost a daughter not long ago, I could find no solace, not long after that I was involved in a car accident no fault of mine. I suffered significant multiple fractures and Traumatic Brain Injury. today I’m relatively healthy, however, at the time two incidents happening so close to each other had me traumatized. I went into a depression, I could find no way out. I know I suffered from PTSD. I found a psychologist who was certified in EMDR. It’s a methodology to help work through your fears, depression, etc. It saved my life. Look into that is my suggestion. And keep writing there are people that care and love you. Don’t let that scumbag rent space in your head. That space is too valuable. Don’t let him win. As someone that follows your blog. I’m here if you ever need to vent. God Bless

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