I’ve always managed to work through any depression. I may be completely down for a couple days, but I force myself back up and keep going. I recently hit another depressed time. A few things built up over a couple weeks. It all happened fast, and I didn’t have time to process one thing before another kicked me down. I was ready to start dealing with each thing and I got another blow. I was negative for a couple days. Given the circumstances, my reaction was normal, but it was a strain on those closest to me.
One of my friends told me they needed a break from me and my negativity. That’s when I broke. I knew it wasn’t forever. I knew they weren’t telling me to stay out of their life. But it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I had never felt lethargic before. That night I learned what lethargy feels like. My whole body was numb, and I walked on auto pilot. I cried until I ran out of tears. I spoke with another friend for a couple hours. They told me I had been more negative recently.
They noticed a considerable change. I hadn’t noticed. I didn’t realize how far into the sludge and the darkness I had gone. All the other things that pushed me down looked like a result of my negativity. I felt none of it would have happened if I had taken care of myself. I had an opportunity through the company I work for to receive six free counseling sessions. I don’t have medical insurance which I always used as an excuse for not finding treatment. I admitted that I need help and I’m trying to find it.
I threw out the alcohol in my home for fear of becoming like my alcoholic father. I’m giving my loved one’s space, so I don’t drag them into my misery anymore. Looking back, I can see how I’ve been moving towards this point for the last two years. I did so much for my healing and still managed to lose myself along the way. This reminds me of the story of a toad in hot water. Put the toad in hot water, it jumps away. Put the toad in cold water and slowly heat it up, the toad will boil to death.
I’m the toad and the negativity is the water. I didn’t realize how bad it got. I didn’t realize how much of it was my own fault for not taking care of myself. This is less about blaming myself and more about holding myself accountable. Now that I know I’m accountable, I have to be accountable for my happiness as well. I don’t know how long this will take. I’ve been sharing my personal stories on blogs for two years. It’s helped me heal. I will continue writing, but I need to focus on myself and my own goals. I still have stories to share. It’s my favorite things to do. Fair well for now. Don’t stop fighting.