Canceling plans and not showing up to things when I say I will has been a constant in my life recently. I am falling back into depression which makes me want to stay home all of the time.
Day to day activities like going to work have been very challenging. Yesterday I couldn’t make it through the day so I left two hours early. When I got home, those feelings of emptiness evaporated. My boyfriend had off yesterday so I got to spend some extra time with him which is always a plus since he works a lot.
Yesterday I also was flaky in my personal life. I lied to my friend saying I was working the day of her wedding and couldn’t come. Why would I do that? The regular, not depressed Megan wouldn’t do that.
I also flat out didn’t show up to my cousin’s last soccer game of her lifetime. I told her I would be there then just didn’t go. I feel so horrible about it, what kind of cousin am I?
I feel like a hideous monster that needs to run back under the bed. That I should’t talk to anyone because I will only let them down in the future.
Reflecting on my actions my stomach turns, my heart races and I can’t shake the feeling that I am a terrible human. My depression has such a deep influence on me that I haven’t made any decisions without consulting it.
“Depression, I was invited to a party what should I do?”
“We are not going. We are staying home, Megan.”
My hands are stained red with guilt that I am a bad person for telling lies and being a flake. I was raised to always tell the truth but lately my nose has grown 5 times it’s normal size.
Does your mental illness make you act out of character? Do you ever cancel plans because you’re not mentally well?