Depression Makes Me Flaky

Canceling plans and  not showing up to things when I say I will has been a constant in my life recently. I am falling back into depression which makes me want to stay home all of the time.

Day to day activities like going to work have been very challenging. Yesterday I couldn’t make it through the day so I left two hours early. When I got home, those feelings of emptiness evaporated. My boyfriend had off yesterday so I got to spend some extra time with him which is always a plus since he works a lot.

Yesterday I also was flaky in my personal life. I lied to my friend saying I was working the day of her wedding and couldn’t come. Why would I do that? The regular, not depressed Megan wouldn’t do that.

I also flat out didn’t show up to my cousin’s last soccer game of her lifetime. I told her I would be there then just didn’t go. I feel so horrible about it, what kind of cousin am I?

I feel like a hideous monster that needs to run back under the bed. That I should’t talk to anyone because I will only let them down in the future.

Reflecting on my actions my stomach turns, my heart races and I can’t shake the feeling that I am a terrible human. My depression has such a deep influence on me that I haven’t made any decisions without consulting it.

“Depression, I was invited to a party what should I do?”
“We are not going. We are staying home, Megan.” 

My hands are stained red with guilt that I am a bad person for telling lies and being a flake. I was raised to always tell the truth but lately my nose has grown 5 times it’s normal size.

Does your mental illness make you act out of character? Do you ever cancel plans because you’re not mentally well?

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32 Replies to “Depression Makes Me Flaky”

  1. Yes. The story of my life. Plus giving up on things like concerts and performances half way through because of claustrophobia or agoraphobia or every phobia under the sun!! Anyway, my new philosophy is to count achievements and successes – even tiny ones – instead of counting the bad bits.

    1. I’m glad I’m not the only one who experience this. The tiny successes can add up to be pretty big too! Thanks for commenting!

  2. Absolutely. And while it’s not good to cancel plans in principle, it’s also completely understandable if you’re not feeling well, including mentally. I agree that it’s good to count the small victories 🙂

    1. That’s true. You can’t always predict depression and when it’s going to take you down. Thanks for the comment, Harley!

      1. Of course.

        A lot of people who don’t suffer from depression don’t realize that it’s not just not feeling happy. It’s a full body, painful, often debilitating thing. If you’re lying to get out of things its because you don’t want people to worry or make it about you.

        Hang in there doll ♥️🖤

      2. And people who don’t have depression don’t understand it. I’m going to try, Harley!

  3. I emphasise completely with this. I suffer with fibromyalgia and anxiety. Fatigue and anxiety cause me to often make excuses not to see people and do things. However Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has improved this problem. Agree entirely with volatilemuse count achievements and successes instead of focusing on the difficult times.

    1. I’m sure having mental illness and a chronic physical illness makes life difficult. You’re strong for making it through those tough times! Thanks for commenting, Theresa!

  4. I know exactly what you mean! I’ve honestly been pretty bad about this throughout the year. I even bailed on a trip to Momocon a few months before the trip saying I wouldn’t have the money but I just really didn’t want to be around people.

      1. Thanks for responding! I hope things start to look up for you! Life can get hard with depression but having friends that understand is important.

  5. Ya when depression has you down you just don’t want to do anything or go anywhere that’s just the way it is so it’s normal to bale on people in that situation.

    ❤️✌️
    BY FOR NOW

      1. Your welcome dear, well it is normal for us that’s are normal.

        ❤️✌️
        BY FOR NOW

  6. yeeees I really do not know who I am sometimes, I beat myself up like Mike Tyson, knocking myself out cold in 90 seconds or less and than I swim in the memories for hours until my fingers are pruny.

  7. There is nothing wrong with canceling plans because you are not mentally well. This method only proves that you are self aware and that you know what you can handle when you are in those moments. Nothing to feel bad about. The next step though would be to rise above the depression. That is the main focus. Trust me when I say that I have struggles with this as well.

      1. this is true and trust me when I say that I am a living witness of this but I personally think that everyone is on this earth to help another person and that help is wasted if we sulk within ourselves.

  8. Yep, story of my life, as well. Because of super awesome post-divorce anxiety, I dread social situations to begin with, but when I’m feeling especially depressed, I will flake on basic things like grocery shopping. Just so I can avoid interacting. Good times. Thank you for sharing!

    1. At least we can understand one another! I hope that you can make it through this anxious time in your life. Thank you for commenting!

  9. Very interesting. Thanks for sharing! While the Bible is not a health-care book, it provides practical guidance that can help us to cope with painful emotions and distressing circumstances. The Bible can also give us hope for a future when life on earth will be free of illness and pain. God’s Word promises: “At that time the eyes of the blind will be opened, and the ears of the deaf will be unstopped. At that time the lame will leap like the deer, and the tongue of the speechless will shout for joy.”​—Isaiah 35:5, 6.

    Keep pushing forward Megan! You can do it.

  10. I deal with this a lot. I avoid going out with people who ask me to. I lie to my family about going to events. I say I will but just don’t show up. I get too scared to go out or just don’t feel like leaving my home

    1. I feel you 100%. I am the same way and then I feel so guilty about it! It’s hard for others to understand if they don’t have mental illness. Thank you for commenting, Michelle!

  11. I’ve done this my whole life practically. It goes in spells – there are times when my depression is in remission that I am able to keep my word and show up when I say I am going to. Then there are times – periods spanning anywhere from a few days to a few MONTHS – where I am not making plans or committing to anything at all, because I know I won’t show up, so why pretend?

    I’ve had to learn to let go of the guilt. To shift my perspective and instead of viewing it as a moral failing, to see it as a symptom of a disease.

    I found this post through the ‘depression’ tag. There are so many of us who understand. You are not alone. You survived another day – you are doing great.

    1. Thank you so much for your words, Mar! I love that you have accommodated your life to help you with your depression. I don’t know if I will ever be in a place where I am not driven by guilt.

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