Reflecting.

Mental illness can be exhausting. I feel that this past two years have been a whirlwind of emotion and change. Both fast and slow at the same time. Depressive episodes have made the days drag and falling into the pits of despair made them almost unbearable. Stable moods made days of adventure seem like flashes of happiness rather than long days of fun.

I hated this past year.

I feel like my mental health management consumed me. The constant ups and downs were exhausting and I felt as though it would be the end of me. I really didn’t think I would make it. I lost my humor and silliness. I did not dance in my kitchen, I did not play silly pranks on my sister who has come to adore them, I did not go out with friends more than a handful of times, and I did not love myself. I am an extrovert through and through, but this past year I was a shut in.

2019

4 doctors.

2 states.

4 jobs.

2 moves.

4 lapses in medications.

5 lapses in health insurance.

6 medication changes.

This is not my ideal year. I have let bipolar run my life. It has humbled me. Sometimes, when I am feeling under control, I let doubt creep in and think that maybe I am completely fine. Maybe I don’t need medication and I am just one of those people that needs and excuse to behave badly or skirt responsibilities.

I am in fact, not that person. I am completely, without a doubt 100%, mentally ill. And in 2020 I will, for the first time in my life, be making a resolution. I will consistently manage my illness.

2020

Choose a new doctor (mine quit)

continuously take my meds

blog twice per month (because I made a commitment that I never kept)

finish my graduate degree

be okay with being okay.

 

10 Replies to “Reflecting.”

  1. 2019 wasn’t an ideal year for me, as well. Hopefully 2020 will be a good year for all of us. I share your frustrations, and I hope you take comefort in knowing that you’re not alone. I wish you well in the future to come.

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    1. I think I am okay with making goals because I make them for me. They have always been private. This takes the stress off achieving them!

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  2. I’m sorry for how the year transpired for you. While reading your post, I still couldn’t help but feel inspired 😃. Your blog was my first ever sense of having a“Bipolar community” online. It helped me realized that I wasn’t alone in this, and it inspired me to create my own blog as a form of self growth and healing. In a way the constant state of wanting to be better for myself and my family is in big thanks to you. It’s only recent that I was diagnosed with Bipolar, 2018 to be exact; though I’ve been suffering from it my entire life. The takeaway from this long comment is, I appreciate all the effort you put into 2019 and your blog. I hope you can find some comfort and strength in knowing that through your difficult year of dealing with your Bipolar. You still helped a scared, lost, confused and helpless young man find strength in himself. For that I am eternally grateful. 😁 May you have an upcoming new year. Here’s to 2020!

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  3. I’m sorry for how the year transpired for you. While reading your post, I still couldn’t help but feel inspired 😃. Your blog was my first ever sense of having a“Bipolar community” online. It helped me realize that I wasn’t alone in this, and it inspired me to create my own blog as a form of self growth and healing. In a way the constant state of wanting to be better for myself and my family is in big thanks to you. It’s only recent that I was diagnosed with Bipolar, 2018 to be exact; though I’ve been suffering from it my entire life. The takeaway from this long comment is, I appreciate all the effort you put into 2019 and your blog. I hope you can find some comfort and strength in knowing that through your difficult year of dealing with your Bipolar. You still helped a scared, lost, confused and helpless young man find strength in himself. For that I am eternally grateful. 😁 May you have an amazing upcoming new year. Here’s to 2020!

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  4. Thank you for sharing. I suffer from major depression. You’re right. Managing your mental health takes a lot of time and energy. I think the hardest part has been dealing with people including family. As you said, “being okay is okay.” It’s also okay to say “No” when you become over-stressed. Good luck! 🙋🏾‍♀️

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  5. Wow I really relate to what you’ve been through. Here’s to a more positive 2020

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  6. It can be quite difficult to do even basic things like a job and self care. I hope you find strength and ease

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