The Bipolar Writer Has Been Gone, and I am Sorry

It has been a while friends, and I am sorry.

I was mad at the world. No one in particular, or at some level, I was angry at God. My faith, my foundation, and my life shaken to the core the day my mom passed away on December 15, 2019. The anger I had inside of me made it impossible to write a single blog post.

I wanted to say thank you to all that reached out while I am grieving for my mom. It means the world to me. I am still in the process of working out what my life looks like without my mom. It is a certain thing in this life to lose your parents, but my mom still had more life to live. To see me continue to grow as a writer, and I felt this last over a month now that there is a piece of me missing, it will always be that way. I feel lost some days, but I have to stay strong because it is what my mom would have wanted.

I wanted to write here on my blog about everything I was feeling, but everything came out angry and sad. I am still sad, but I am no longer mad at the world. I didn’t want my followers to see me like this, alone, angry, afraid, and above all, depressed. I have always been open about how life affects my mental illness daily, but I needed some time. I wanted to reach out because I was lost. I am far from out of the woods as the grieving process is a long one.

One good thing about this process is that I was still able to write. I stayed busy. I am helping my dad clean out his shop. I am increasing the number of jobs I am working on in my freelance. I even began ghostwriting this amazing book.

I am querying my major novel, and I finished this excellent short story. I will be publishing a short novella, and writing has become my coping mechanism. I am in the beginning stages of a book about others in the mental health community, an idea that my mom came up with, and one I will be running within the coming months. I am looking to start a podcast. Staying busy right now helps because I have less time to dwell on the negative. That is not to say my nights and some days that I feel I can’t leave the warmth of my bed, but I am not getting down on myself–my mom would not have wanted that for me.

Life is fleeting, and I intend not to waste away in depression and anxiety. I will honor my mother’s memory by living life as the best as I can each day. I will write more here and begin to heal.

Always tell your family you love them, I didn’t get a chance to tell my mom before her stroke took over her brain. I got a goodbye, and I always told my mom how much she meant to me. I wanted to end this post with a story. On December 6th, 2019, I was reading a chapter in my memoir that I wrote about my mom. I texted her right after and told her that she was the one reason that I am alive today and doing what I love. I had no idea that hours later, my mom would have a stroke and never regain consciousness. But something told me that day I had to read that chapter and tell my mom how much I loved her and was lucky she always believed in me. I tell this story to everyone who asks me about that day because the last thing I told her was to “please just breathe mom.” I couldn’t tell her I loved her at that moment because she was being taken away by paramedics.

Always Keep Fighting

James

21 Replies to “The Bipolar Writer Has Been Gone, and I am Sorry”

  1. I’m sorry for you losing your mother. While I don’t know what that’s like, I’ve also been dealing with a grief of my own. My best friend passed away in February last year. And while life has gotten easier, I still miss her.

    Like

  2. So nice to hear your voice again. Welcome back. Sometimes we just have to sit back and take a breath. Grief is work and a struggle. Keep on keeping on!

    Like

    1. It is so nice to be back though it will be hard. My mom loved this site. She wanted me to keep it when I considered letting it go. So I am going to keep it to honor her wish.

      Like

  3. Thanks for sharing your heart. I’m sorry you lost your mother. Those who leave us are most certainly forever in our hearts and never forgotten. What a blessing to have such wonderful encouragement to continue to push you forward.

    Like

  4. I am sorry for your loss, and I wish you strength of heart in the road ahead. It’s a long road, I know, I walked it. Love and light to you and yours.

    Like

  5. It’s not really possible for me to even understand the enormous pain you are in… I feel devastated…
    But, again,
    BE AS BRAVE AS SHE WANTED YOU TO BE AND TAUGHT YOU TO BE!
    And after reading this post, I am sure you are doing the exact same! Believe me… Wherever she is, she is proud of you… She blows with the wind and flows with the water!
    She still loves you and I know she will always be alive in your heart… Her memories and aspirations are now a part of your being!

    Sending out prayers for strength, courage and emotional healing for you and your family, ✨💛

    Like

  6. I can’t even imagine the enormous pain you are in right now… I myself feel devastated…
    But, again… All I can say is BE AS BRAVE AS SHE WANTED YOU TO BE AND TAUGHT TO BE!
    And after reading this, I am sure you are doing the exact same! And bravely continue to do the same.

    Believe me, wherever she is, she is proud of you! She might not be around you in physical form, but, now She blows with the wind and flows with the water.
    I know you will always keep her alive in your heart. Her memories and aspirations are now a part of your being! Make her happy and proud by being the beautiful human she made you!

    Sending out prayers for strength, courage and emotional healing for you and your family! ✨
    You all are in my prayers…

    Like

  7. glad you’re back. I hope you find release and comfort in your writing. Never hesitate to share the bad, dark, angry stuff. Better get it out than leave it bottled up.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s