How I’ve been…..

My doggo on fiancee’s lap

So I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted here. I have been working on getting better since I’ve been out of the hospital. Its definitely been a struggle. I’m just doing the best I can. I’ve upped my hours at work. I’m off of a dangerous medication. I’m no longer on depakote because it has fucked up my liver. I’m going through withdrawal from it and it sucks ass.

I’m a struggle to deal with. Plus I just want to quit my job so I can spend time with my doggos. Although I know that I need it in order to keep sane. I’ve been wanting to drink and self medicate a lot lately. Although I haven’t been. My self medication is usually self harm. My fiancee wouldn’t be happy if I turned back to self medicating.

I’m just worried that everything will fall apart again. I dont want it to fall apart again. I cant handle it falling apart. I’m not sure how to bring this up to fiancee though. I just want him to be happy . I dont want him to be worrying about me.

7 Replies to “How I’ve been…..”

  1. I’ve been here and I’ve got one fit there now really. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s really shitty. All of that is a lot to handle on top of withdraw. I get what you mean (I think) about needing to work to stay sane but wanting to be around your dogs where you get a lot of comfort. I feel the same way. I’ve applied for over 30 jobs and haven’t gotten one and while I love the extra time with my dogs, I get edgier by the day. It’s really good you have the self-awareness and control to keep working, more hours too, when I would imagine it would be really easy to stop and give in to the things that will give you a moment of relief.

    I wish I could say something that would help but I know there isn’t a lot of helping these things. I will be thinking about you and hope things ease up a bit day by day.


    1. Thank you. It helps me to know that there is someone out there that cares. Besides my mom, brother, sister-in-law-to-be, fiancee, and fiancee’s family.


  2. Im almost 50 now and when I as in my 20’s I really struggled. I cant offer you some pearl of wisdom that will enlighten you and send you on a positive journey that will cure everything. I wish I could, but I would be a liar if I said I could. The world is full of advice, all I can share with you is a bit of wisdom.

    I learned this through a lot of trial and error in life. Tonight, when you are in bed staring at the ceiling alone with your thoughts. Make a mental list of the 5 most important people in the world to you. These are the people you love, cherish and would be lost with out.

    Remember the list, those are the people you go all in on. Talk to them, listen to them, go the extra mile for them. Hopefully the fiance is on the list.
    Good luck, Im rooting for you.


  3. Just tell him. Don’t hold back. Unless he’s a complete pussy, he can handle it. It’s your silence that will drive him insane. Hang in there. You got this shit.


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