What is What.

It is funny how depression is so normal to me that I don’t really give much thought to it. I mean, I know when things are bad, I may feel down. It is understandable when you have so many hard things happening at once. Without sounding like a sad sack, I will say that life has not been terribly kind to me. I often fall into it when I get stressed out. The smallest thing can send me into a sadness spiral.

Today my mom asked me if everything is okay. She asked me if something else was going on besides work that was getting me down. She said she noticed a decline in my mood.

My only thought was embarrassment. I am embarrassed that it is so apparent that someone else can see. Like I spilled coffee on my shirt and someone had just pointed it out. “I guess I am kinda depressed.” I thought. I didn’t tell her that though. It wouldn’t matter if I did. It would just be more embarrassing and then we would sit there, both knowing about the stain and neither being able to do anything about it.

I don’t know how to explain to someone that I am depressed about nothing. I just am. I don’t really want to do anything, getting out of bed is a chore, and I am doing the best I can. I am showering, eating, taking my medicine, going to work, doing my school work, and interacting with people daily. I am doing more than I feel like.

9 Replies to “What is What.”

  1. You are doing an unbelievable amount of stuff, considering the feelings of depression you’re talking about.

    You mentioned that you’re depressed about nothing, but also mentioned that life has not been terribly kind. Is it possible there is something like PTSD going on, too?

    Wishing you all the best 💙.

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  2. If it’s any consolation, I’m not depressed but am doing more than I really want to most days. My life is exhausting right now, but the bills must be paid and the kids must be fed…and help is just not within earshot. Sometimes life is just hard and monotonous, and that’s not at all the excitement packed adventure we dreamed of when we were kids. I’d love a helpmate, but honestly most days I’d settle for sleeping in until 9. Don’t beat yourself up. We all struggle, it’s just what we do in those periods that make the difference in the long run.

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  3. i don’t what to say because i’m going through a similar thing. i’m not sure what to do but i have found consolation in my pets. they have helped me unwind and calm down.

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    1. I think about my cat when I am at work. He loves me so unconditionally. I know my family does too, but I feel it. that physical connection means a lot.

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  4. It’s good though that your mom really sees you and recognizes that you aren’t feeling well. I can imagine it may have been hard for her to ask—judging by the embarrassment you felt, this isn’t a typical conversation for you two.

    I obviously don’t know anything about your history with your mom, so I don’t know if she’s a safe person to confide in. But I hope you’ll tell her or someone more about how you really feel. You don’t need yo be embarrassed; depression is such a common experience and not at all a personal failing!

    Wishing you plenty of good support for your healing! – Q

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