My First Bad Day Since My Mother’s Death

Photo by Mat Reding on Unsplash

Every day has been hard since I lost my mother to a stroke in December. I have found ways to stay busy with school, my work as a freelancer, and of course, my writing projects.

I knew on the horizon, there would be a truly horrible day. That happened yesterday. The origins of this lousy day started the day before. I was asked about an upcoming event that was a favorite of my mother, and if I was going. An aunt always has a hula dancing demonstration and crab feast to help the school she runs. It is a fantastic event, and one I never would have gone to had my mom convinced me last year to go (my family had been going for the previous few years.)

I knew at some point there would be a trigger that would lead to a bad day.

I was asked if I would be attending this event, one that my mother purchased the tickets weeks before her death. It became a trigger for me. More than any of the things that have happened over the last month and a half. I have been dealing by staying busy with graduate school, ghostwriting a novel for a local writer, and above else my writing. This was how I have been able to deal. I still think of my mom the moment I wake and the loss it has been not having someone who is there for me no matter where I am at in my life.

I had one of the worst panic attacks of the year that night. I felt lost. Alone. Afraid of the future. Not being able to move on. Realizing that at some point, I have to figure out what my life looks like without my mom. I always thought my mom had more time. That she would be able to see me publish more than one book. I am grateful she got to see my memoir published. The trigger was there just waiting for me to have a bad day.

The next day was horrible. The depression set in, and it was rough. I wanted to stay in bed all day. For a while, that was all that consisted of my day. I let the depression control me. It consumed every thought and every limb of my body. I felt as if my pain could not reach this level. I had a bad day. It was inevitable.

Eventually, I got out of bed and was somewhat productive. I got up. I took a shower and tried to eat. I will admit it was all junk food, but it helped get me moving. I met with my client, did my three hours of interview time, and it helped me to at least find a silver lining when depression was all I had going that day.

I went to bed that night, hopeful that things would get back to normal. The sunset was beautiful, and then the sun rose, albeit on a cold California day, but I woke. I got up and took a shower. I made my bed. Made plans for the day and executed them. I got back to my routine and also found some time to get back to writing here on my blog.

I am ready to keep moving forward, and maybe yesterday was just one of the steps of the long grieving process that I will endure in 2020. Looking back, perhaps I needed a day like this because I have been trying my best to be strong, mostly for my dad. He lost the love of his life, and I lost my mother. I thought I had to hold it in, and it got the better of me. I have to realize that crying is a part of the process. That this life is fleeting. Things will not always stay the same, and that is life.

I am glad I could share this experience, and I do plan on writing more here when things begin to calm down in my life. For now, I wanted to end this post with this, I am renewing The Bipolar Writer blog for another year. When I have some time, I will be going through my contributor list and working on getting new writers in and moving this blog into a better position. I have been neglecting this for a while due to time, but that is just an excuse. I look forward to seeing what we do in 2020!

Always Keep Fighting

James

9 Replies to “My First Bad Day Since My Mother’s Death”

  1. I can understand how u must be feeling.i lost my mom 15 years back and i still miss her as much.but time may never heal but does get us busy with many things and our mind gets so occupied that we learn to move on.cherish the memories and take each day at a time.god bless u

    Like

    1. I am sorry about the loss of your mom. Fifteen years is long time but it’s good you still cherish the memories. How did you get through that first year if I may ask.

      Like

      1. It was very bad coz like u even Ihad to think of my father’s pain and control my emotions. But I then concentrated on spending time with him and supporting him.coz his pain was far more than mine as he had lost his life partner .And my mom’s death made me realize how unpredictable life is so i tried to spend the time with my dad as much as possible .
        I know its difficult but right now ur father needs u more than ever.we still have a life and people we can share our pain with but he is lonely and scared as he has lost his companion.spending time with him.will also distarct u if only a little from your pain

        Like

  2. James you are going to be okay. One bad day is not something to be afraid of. You are not going to fall apart. You need to let yourself grieve in whatever way you need to. It’s okay to be sad. Praying for you. Thanks for sharing your experience.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s