Every day has been hard since I lost my mother to a stroke in December. I have found ways to stay busy with school, my work as a freelancer, and of course, my writing projects.
I knew on the horizon, there would be a truly horrible day. That happened yesterday. The origins of this lousy day started the day before. I was asked about an upcoming event that was a favorite of my mother, and if I was going. An aunt always has a hula dancing demonstration and crab feast to help the school she runs. It is a fantastic event, and one I never would have gone to had my mom convinced me last year to go (my family had been going for the previous few years.)
I knew at some point there would be a trigger that would lead to a bad day.
I was asked if I would be attending this event, one that my mother purchased the tickets weeks before her death. It became a trigger for me. More than any of the things that have happened over the last month and a half. I have been dealing by staying busy with graduate school, ghostwriting a novel for a local writer, and above else my writing. This was how I have been able to deal. I still think of my mom the moment I wake and the loss it has been not having someone who is there for me no matter where I am at in my life.
I had one of the worst panic attacks of the year that night. I felt lost. Alone. Afraid of the future. Not being able to move on. Realizing that at some point, I have to figure out what my life looks like without my mom. I always thought my mom had more time. That she would be able to see me publish more than one book. I am grateful she got to see my memoir published. The trigger was there just waiting for me to have a bad day.
The next day was horrible. The depression set in, and it was rough. I wanted to stay in bed all day. For a while, that was all that consisted of my day. I let the depression control me. It consumed every thought and every limb of my body. I felt as if my pain could not reach this level. I had a bad day. It was inevitable.
Eventually, I got out of bed and was somewhat productive. I got up. I took a shower and tried to eat. I will admit it was all junk food, but it helped get me moving. I met with my client, did my three hours of interview time, and it helped me to at least find a silver lining when depression was all I had going that day.
I went to bed that night, hopeful that things would get back to normal. The sunset was beautiful, and then the sun rose, albeit on a cold California day, but I woke. I got up and took a shower. I made my bed. Made plans for the day and executed them. I got back to my routine and also found some time to get back to writing here on my blog.
I am ready to keep moving forward, and maybe yesterday was just one of the steps of the long grieving process that I will endure in 2020. Looking back, perhaps I needed a day like this because I have been trying my best to be strong, mostly for my dad. He lost the love of his life, and I lost my mother. I thought I had to hold it in, and it got the better of me. I have to realize that crying is a part of the process. That this life is fleeting. Things will not always stay the same, and that is life.
I am glad I could share this experience, and I do plan on writing more here when things begin to calm down in my life. For now, I wanted to end this post with this, I am renewing The Bipolar Writer blog for another year. When I have some time, I will be going through my contributor list and working on getting new writers in and moving this blog into a better position. I have been neglecting this for a while due to time, but that is just an excuse. I look forward to seeing what we do in 2020!
Always Keep Fighting