Bipolar Bankruptcy.

I do my best to take responsibility for the wrong doings and choices I have made. With a lot of help from my mental health provider, I have come to accept that mental illness gave some of those bad choices a very large push. A simple purchase turned into a mountain of debt. A rash decision turned into a car loan I can’t get out from under. I am drowning in the ruins of my financial mishaps, from my spending sprees. I still fall off the wagon so to speak. Bipolar is forever ❤️.

In all seriousness, bipolar has ruined my life. It has taken away my teenage years and filled them full of hatefulness and blatant disregard for those I care for’s feelings. It filled my twenties with larger than life shenanigans that I am now spending the beginning of my 30s trying to navigate. I am days away from calling the finance company to come pick up the car that I voluntarily accepted with a 28% interest rate on. Honestly, I feel a weight on my chest that I cannot breathe under. I try to stay positive. I will say that I am angry. I am angry that I can be so impulsive. I am angry that I made these choices. I want someone to blame. I want someone to tell me to suck it up. I want to lay in bed and call out of work. I want to cry.

I really just want to fix what I broke. I should be grateful for what I have salvaged. My life, my relationships (some), my career, my education. Tonight I am ungrateful and consumed by my disappointment.

 

 

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

10 Replies to “Bipolar Bankruptcy.”

  1. I am so sorry you are going through this. I’ve made very poor financial decisions myself when hypomanic, although I am fortunate to have never gotten myself into extreme trouble like that. I hope you can get it all sorted out and start over.

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  2. I’ve been there with the debt. I sold my car that I was still making payments on, so I could go back to school. It didn’t solve all my financial problems, but it was a start. It’s difficult to face those mistakes, but hang in there! -Rebecca

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  3. I could have written this post. I am a lot older than you, and I live with the consequences of terrible financial decisions I made 20 years ago when I retired from a job that should have left me living comfortably for the rest of my life. Instead, I live with debt and a cramped, meager lifestyle and watch friends who retired at the same time take the trips and have the adventures I anticipated for myself. I was drowning in depression when I made those choices and would not listen to better counsel. I still have not quite come to terms with what I did to myself. It is so hard to accept that having a mental illness can make you so sick and nonfunctional. In my present life, I work on forgiving myself every day and celebrating success as my debts slowly, slowly go down. I do see the light at the end of my tunnel. I hope and believe you can do that, too. Don’t give up on yourself; you are young, and you have plenty of time to find the best way to be you.

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    1. I have a great support system and am luckily still very young in the grand scheme of things. I am happy to hear that you are still finding victories in the debts dwindling. Thank you for sharing this part of your life. I am lucky in a lot of ways outside of the debt. Lucky to be alive.

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  4. I struggle a lot with hating myself for my impulsive shopping. For me, I wish online shopping didn’t exist, because I wouldn’t be spending so carelessly otherwise. It’s hard to get me out of the house, especially to go to a crowded store. This year is the first year that I’ve had to use my entire income tax to pay credit cards (which still aren’t paid off), and it’s really getting to me. I feel so embarrassed and guilty. And neurotypical people don’t understand why it’s hard to be responsible sometimes.

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    1. But you paid a chunk! One step towards that accountability and responsibility. I find it hard to celebrate my victories knowing that I still have a ways to go. Any progress is good progress. Take a moment to celebrate the wins my friend. I hope that you find a little comfort in seeing that number go down.

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      1. You’re right. At least I’m holding myself accountable and working to fix it. I just hope between now and then, that I don’t have an impulsive streak again. I wish you the best in your journey to fix yours, too! You’re not alone in this struggle!

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  5. Like so many of you, I too have a mountain of debt and will more than likely file for bankruptcy for the second time! The feelings of guilt and despair over all the money I have blown in this life gets to be overwhelming sometimes! I have always been able to bail my finances out by working two or three jobs to catch up, so I have never worried too much. Then I turned 50 and I have a myriad of health problems that prevents even working 20 hours per week! I have suffered my whole life from what I have now been diagnosed with as BPD! I am grateful for that diagnosis because now I know why I act the way I do, and at least now I have a plan of action. I wasted so much of my life not knowing why I was “different”! But I’m alive, my problems can be managed (tho sometimes I need to be reminded of that), and I am learning to accept what I cannot change…but at least I have hope now! Everyday is a new day…

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