Four Months: A Bad Day for the Bipolar Writer

Photo by Oscar Keys on Unsplash

Well, I knew that yesterday was going to suck. While it did in some ways, it was not as bad as it could have been if I let the depression take over my life. Still, four months seem like a lifetime since I lost my mom. I know I talk about my mom a lot; it is still so fresh, like a wound that will not heal.

I know the world is hurting with people dying every day. I sympathize with all who have lost a mother, father, sibling, grandparent, uncle, aunt, or any human life to any illness or natural causes. It sucks. My blog is the one place where I can express myself best through my writing. Loss of life is one of those inevitable things. Losing my mom was one of those things in my life that could have, and still might crush me. I am still in the stages of mourning, and it never feels real, like my mom is going to text me today, asking me something. It was the suddenness of my mom’s death that has been the hardest to get over.

I made a decision yesterday that for the remaining time of the first year, I am going to take a mental health day on the 15th of the month. That way, I can work on focusing on staying healthy during isolation. My depression was terrible yesterday, but I got up and took a shower. I put on some fresh clothes and ate some breakfast. I watched a favorite movie that was both mine and my mom’s, Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I am a huge Audrey Hepburn fan, and I love that movie.

The worst part of the last four months is that the toll it has taken on my dad. I have to make sure that he eats at least dinner. While I am at home in isolation, his job is considered essential, and so I can’t make sure he eats breakfast and lunch. I know this has been so hard for him, and he had gotten so skinny.

We have one another, and I have other siblings, but when your spread ut over two states, it makes it hard. My siblings have their lives, and I chose to be with my dad. In truth, I have to be because of my mental illness, but I do my part. So I have to watch out for him. There are times when I have to be strong in his presence because he is dealing with the unimaginable pain of losing the one person he loved more than anything in this life.

So I survived yesterday. The one thing I regret is drinking a beer, but it was there, and my self-control has not been great lately. I lost four years back in February, but it has not gotten to an everyday thing, so I am okay for now. I am always a fighter.

Always Keep Fighting

James

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20 Replies to “Four Months: A Bad Day for the Bipolar Writer”

  1. Hang in there, James. As always, I applaud your strength, and your honesty. I also love the idea of the 15th of the month being a Mental Health Day; I think I will also adopt this habit. Wishing you peace, friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Breakfast at Tiffany’s is an absolute ball darling.
    I cant imagine what this is like for you
    Dont beat your self up over a beer
    We are all coping in the best way we can
    the only way out is through
    you will get through this
    xoxo
    -random blogger

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I know what it feels like to lose a parent. I lost my father at the age of 17, due to cancer. I still miss him, to this day. He died back in 2013, 7 years ago, and it still hurts. I wasn’t able to cry for his death until 6 years later, because the cancer he suffered with gave him enough pain, that it was a relief when he died. His face, the image of death, no matter how motionless, was still to me, the face of peace.

    Grief is not a “process” as some people will term it. They are memories that you have. And, those memories are what define the love you had for the departed loved one, to be forever. It is what makes love the eternal emotion, by those memories continually living on in the hearts of those who still live.

    I never understood why grief is called a process, when there are those who have lost people decades ago, are still weeping over a picture held in their hand of that dead person. If anything, it’s a lifelong process, as something you’ll never get over. Anyways… the thing about grief is to know that the one who was once alive, is remembered THROUGH love, and never through any negative feelings.

    I believe we will feel like cowards, speaking ill of a person who has died. Even if that person was evil, we feel like cowards, knowing that person who is dead, can never better themselves, anymore. Therefore, we are forced to think on even the smallest detail, the smallest memory of that person, that was something good.

    Memories do not leave us. Death leaves them to us, and unlike the form, they do not decay nor wilt. We place flowers upon a grave, though our tears never dry like the petals.

    One thing… don’t ever wish to not cry for your mother’s passing. Don’t feel ashamed to cry. As I said, there’s only one reason for it, and it’s because you loved her.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Only one mental health day a month? That’s kind of amazing. I need one per week. You’re doing well to acknowledge the need while training yourself to take a good length of time between these days. I hope to do the same in time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do take others during my week but the 15th is symbolic because it will represent a milestone of my moms death. Always a hard day so why not always take it as a mental health day? You know?

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  5. You made it :-). Don’t expect yourself to have a certain way to deal or respond to your mother’s passing. Grieving is very personal and you deserve every right to have your moments regardless of how it’s triggered. I lost my mother 5 years ago. I still have my moments. Thank you for being authentic and expressing yourself. On a day like this, I needed it. Thank you!

    Like

  6. Always keep fighting, James. Know that you will go through this, often at unexpected times and IT’S OK. Grief just means you loved. Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Good for you James!! Self care is vital always but especially these days. I adore Audrey too and I love that movie. It’s crucial to make these little promises to ourselves for our health 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Grief is a messy and chaotic thing. It never follows the five stages we try to box it into. It jumps around and over stages and shows back up just when we think it is gone. But the searing loss is also accompanied by pleasant memories and warmth. May our LORD be your comfort.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m so blessed to still have my parents, and reading your words remind me of how I need to cherish them and appreciate them more than I sometimes do. I’m so sorry for your loss and taking mental health days is well earned by you. ❤️

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