Appetite for Destruction

Bipolar is a debilitating brain-illness.  Rapid Cycling is even worse.  After my traumatic experience, I was determined to be in control of myself and my body from there on out.  Unfortunately, that took a destructive path.  I was very promiscuous and did everything I could to get the attention of older teenage boys to seduce and have sex with.   A twisted way to be in control, but I was calling the shots and it felt good.  I was out partying all the time, drinking, smoking pot, and taking pills (no idea what they were).  I was living a reckless lifestyle to say the least.

This is me being hypomanic and trying to be seductive during a hypomanic state
 Me at 15 years old during a hypomanic state

I was depressed, but I think I was also hypomanic, which is called a mixed state.  My depressed state materialized as anger and terrible judgement.  My hypomania resulted in little need for sleep and feeling indestructible.  I felt like I could do anything and had no regard for what anyone thought.  Being in a mixed state is not a great combination, especially with alcohol and drugs in the mix.  I struggled in school exponentially and skipped a lot of school by signing my dad’s signature to the excuses (I had perfected his signature).  I worshiped metal hair bands (Motley Crue, Whitesnake, Guns n Roses, Metallica, and Poison, just to name a few) and my goal was to get the attention of any & every guy I could.  I didn’t seem to have a problem in that area considering I had built up quite a reputation.  I suddenly had an appetite for sex.  I don’t know how many people I slept with in that 6 month period, if I had to guess I would say 10?  Not something I’m proud of now, but I wore it like a badge at the time.  I was in control and that’s all that mattered.

Me at 15 years old with Motley Crue banner
 Me at 15 years old in my room

I didn’t have many close friendships with girls at this time, except for one friend that I happen to still be friends with today (love you MW).  My relationships during this time were more superficial and built on partying.  I obviously was not in a good state and it was catching up to me.  I was severely depressed at the end of this period in mid spring.  No longer was I angry, I was sad and wanting companionship.  I was suicidal and had thought of many ways to end my life.  I felt like nothing, didn’t like myself, had a great void in my soul and didn’t understand why I was even on this Earth 😦

Thankfully, I met someone, who for whatever reason understood me in a way no one else had even tried to.  My first boyfriend who I will refer to as X.  (Remember X for later on in this blog).  I was elated to be with one person.  I was still depressed, but it felt different with someone to actually talk to.  I would bounce back and forth between being hypomanic and depressed, but he seemed to be able to ride the roller-coaster.  Our relationship was fast & furious…

Some people might ask, “Where was your God while all of this was happening?” and to that end I would simply say, I didn’t know him yet.  Despite me not knowing Him, He knew me and was with me!  He carried me every step of the way through my brokenness, even if I didn’t know it at the time!!  He knew I was a survivor and a fighter and that I would eventually surrender to Him!

1 Corinthians 10:13

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.  God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”

Until next time, be blessed and be divine!

10 Replies to “Appetite for Destruction”

  1. Appetite For Destruction is still one of my all time fave metal albums.

    I wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar 2 til my thirties so I had many years of being with guys I really didn’t even much like. It was just this mania and “I’m gonna use them before they use me” thing. Now that I am hitting menopause, hypersexuality isn’t such a problem. Hypomania and rapid cycling, though…I’m there right now and it’s giving me whiplash.

    It’s reassuring to read other people’s experiences so I don’t feel like such a freak. My family doesn’t believe in mental illness so they turn everything into me having poor character. Knowing others with bipolar have similar cycles helps me feel less…abnormal. I mean, for better or worse, mania and lows are our normal, right?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello! Nice to meet you 😊 I still love that album too! Please don’t feel like a freak – so many people battle with this brain illness! It’s not our fault – just like cancer isn’t our fault! I’m sorry your family isn’t a support system for you! If you ever want to chat – I’m here! Thanks for reaching out! Kindly – Tanya

      Like

  2. Thank you for your honesty! It’s difficult to be exemplary in a fractured world; a world where “the strange thing” is in having any part in such a twisted fabrication of truth, a world where the only comfort may only come from the beating of your own heart…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I appreciate your kind words! It’s not easy to be truthful, but it’s extremely freeing! Nice to meet you 👋🏻 Kindly, Tanya

      Like

  3. Thank you for sharing with us your stories, Tanya. I have a friend who is also a bipolar and all I can say is, the best I can do is stand behind her so every time she fell, I’m there. Thank you and have a nice day!

    Like

    1. Thank you 🙏🏻 ❤️ It’s not easy to have a mood disorder, but it is possible to get the appropriate treatment and be successful. Just need to find your limits and work within them! Appreciate you reading my life story 💕

      Like

  4. Thank you for sharing a story of such a vulnerable time. It’s a very brave thing to do! I had a very similar story in my teens and it’s hard for me to speak about because I feel so ashamed.

    Even though I don’t have bipolar, I really struggled with hyper sexuality in my late teens. I slept with people just to feel like I was in control of something. My Appetite for Destruction was strong, as I ruined a lot of friendships and even jobs chasing the feeling of control.

    I’m glad you’re able to write about this experience now, it really helps me look back and see myself almost. Thank you 💖

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello 👋🏻 Nice to meet you! I’m happy this touched you! Don’t feel ashamed – everyone has a past! Some are worse than others, but you wouldn’t be who you are today without going through those experiences! I hope you can find your voice and let it go – it’s so freeing! I appreciate you reaching out! Let your voice be heard – it can help someone else overcome ❤️ Be blessed! Hope to stay in touch and get to know you better! Kindly – Tanya

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Nice to meet you Tanya! I’m Maria 😄 Thank you for your kind words, I look forward to reading more of your work ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s