Bipolar is a debilitating brain-illness. Rapid Cycling is even worse. After my traumatic experience, I was determined to be in control of myself and my body from there on out. Unfortunately, that took a destructive path. I was very promiscuous and did everything I could to get the attention of older teenage boys to seduce and have sex with. A twisted way to be in control, but I was calling the shots and it felt good. I was out partying all the time, drinking, smoking pot, and taking pills (no idea what they were). I was living a reckless lifestyle to say the least.
I was depressed, but I think I was also hypomanic, which is called a mixed state. My depressed state materialized as anger and terrible judgement. My hypomania resulted in little need for sleep and feeling indestructible. I felt like I could do anything and had no regard for what anyone thought. Being in a mixed state is not a great combination, especially with alcohol and drugs in the mix. I struggled in school exponentially and skipped a lot of school by signing my dad’s signature to the excuses (I had perfected his signature). I worshiped metal hair bands (Motley Crue, Whitesnake, Guns n Roses, Metallica, and Poison, just to name a few) and my goal was to get the attention of any & every guy I could. I didn’t seem to have a problem in that area considering I had built up quite a reputation. I suddenly had an appetite for sex. I don’t know how many people I slept with in that 6 month period, if I had to guess I would say 10? Not something I’m proud of now, but I wore it like a badge at the time. I was in control and that’s all that mattered.
I didn’t have many close friendships with girls at this time, except for one friend that I happen to still be friends with today (love you MW). My relationships during this time were more superficial and built on partying. I obviously was not in a good state and it was catching up to me. I was severely depressed at the end of this period in mid spring. No longer was I angry, I was sad and wanting companionship. I was suicidal and had thought of many ways to end my life. I felt like nothing, didn’t like myself, had a great void in my soul and didn’t understand why I was even on this Earth 😦
Thankfully, I met someone, who for whatever reason understood me in a way no one else had even tried to. My first boyfriend who I will refer to as X. (Remember X for later on in this blog). I was elated to be with one person. I was still depressed, but it felt different with someone to actually talk to. I would bounce back and forth between being hypomanic and depressed, but he seemed to be able to ride the roller-coaster. Our relationship was fast & furious…
Some people might ask, “Where was your God while all of this was happening?” and to that end I would simply say, I didn’t know him yet. Despite me not knowing Him, He knew me and was with me! He carried me every step of the way through my brokenness, even if I didn’t know it at the time!! He knew I was a survivor and a fighter and that I would eventually surrender to Him!
1 Corinthians 10:13
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”
Until next time, be blessed and be divine!