“This is..uh..vlog post two. I wanted to share a glimpse and a look into my story.
I wasn’t really aware of this fact but around the time when I graduated from College in 2013, when I was 23…I am 30 years old now…I didn’t…I didn’t understand the concept nor was I aware of the concept of self-sabotage. I mean, I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing. I was going to work, I was taking care of my basic needs — food, shelter and connecting with other people.
I was really good at hiding…how I was really feeling and…people didn’t really ask because I didn’t give off any indication that anything was off or that I needed help in any way, shape or form.
It really felt like…it really felt like being trapped. In my own body, in my own daily routine, nothing really held any substance, I didn’t really feel connected to anyone. Nothing made any sense. Like, for, for…lack of a better way of putting it, I didn’t really feel like I had a purpose. And…at first, I was in denial about it. I was in denial about my mental state, my mental health and really now what I understand to be was just my health. My general health. Something was missing and I was hungry for something more. And no matter how many people I tried connecting with, no matter how many folx I would tell and in my own way ask for help.
I didn’t feel…heard. I rather felt invisible. I remember this one moment where I tested something…my visibility.
So, I used to go to grocery stores, I used to go in public where lots of people would be going to and fro and just stand in one spot. I would just stand. And the only proof that I got that I was physically in this world was people walking around me. So it’s those little things like that.
So, speaking about how I was feeling, my emotions and feelings was not really something I was taught growing up. So, that piece of denial was, you know, “How dare…how dare my parents raise me to be this way, how dare my friends downplay how I’m feeling. It was a lot of feeling subjected to everything around me and I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t ask to feel like shit. I didn’t ask to feel abandoned. I didn’t ask to feel invisible but I felt all those things.
And I stubbornly resisted any way to try something different, to break out of this consistently negative place that I now understand to be self-judgment, self-rejection. Really sabotaging my own quality of life and over time as I progressed through jobs, uh…that required me to help other people in a 1:1 capacity, to serve others and support them where they didn’t get the skills. or teaching or education and that’s when I started getting mad, which then just worked me into this deep pit of exhaustion.
And I eventually burned out from being angry. I just couldn’t physically handle it anymore. I couldn’t emotionally…I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth for enjoying things. Ever.
Raised to be “productive,” raised to do things I didn’t want to do. So, it’s this prison chamber I built for myself: self-sabotage, and having no purpose, constantly putting others before myself and lashing out when I felt like I was done dirty. More on it another time.
But really, a question I have for all of you is…what is it gonna take for you…to realize that no one’s gonna do that work for you…to take ownership…of your past, instead of blaming other people?”