The Magic Crayon.

Read Along:
“So, there’s vlog post 3 on its way to you, this one right here.

Uh, so the last question I asked was:

‘What is it gonna take for you to own and take responsibility for your past?’

That doesn’t mean it’s your fault. That doesn’t mean you screwed up. That doesn’t mean shame on you. What that means is understanding that the past happens…happened to have happened and you are, set before you…you have these cards at your disposal. They may not be the cards you want..when does…when has that ever happened? When we’re in this pit, this prison, that we built for ourselves, and the prison I built for myself was this illusion, this delusion that things would change for me. Just because I felt it was unfair. Just  because I didn’t agree with literally everything. I was so argumentative, so resistant and extremely combative and what did I end up with…nothing.

An empty shell of who I was or who I thought I was…who others thought I was.  No one’s going to do the work for you. Towards the end, I almost lost myself to myself.

I deliberately created this reality where I was the one that was always right. I was the only one that had any right to feel the way I did. And no one could tell me otherwise. Absolutely not! *laughs* That’s absurd! What do people know? There’s this sheer arrogance that cocooned me and insulated me from hearing what other people had to say. And one of those things was .. I .. I I. I actually realized my addiction to negativity.

My addiction and obsession with being right when things would go wrong. It’s the ultimate catastrophe.

I smile about it now because I’ve learned to laugh it off.

Placing blame didn’t work.For me. Trying to gain justice..for the trespasses I felt, didn’t work for me. Pitying myself didn’t work for me. Um… *laughs*  Taking it out on other people, didn’t work for me. Refusing to embrace and to have the parents I have, didn’t work for me. Blaming my cultural mindset, growing up under a rock, not really struggling in life or experiencing tragedy was not enough of a story or an excuse, for me.

You see, we could go here all day. I could…I could’ve gone the rest of my life doing that but I just hit a breaking point where I…enough was enough. Or rather, enough was not enough anymore. At all.

I can’t explain to you how angry I was. But it was stuffed. Stuffed down! I suppressed it. *in a silly voice* ‘Well, that’s just how I am, that’s how I was taught..’

That’s resistance.

What else….

I know now that all I wanted…all I wanted…was to feel seen…feel heard…and I just wanted to fit in.

I wanted to be that happy person you see when you scroll through your social media.

I wanted to be that person that was “successful.”

I wanted to be that person that had healthy relationships.

I wanted so many things and I denied myself that not just through sabotaging myself and staying in that bubble of comfort and negativity, fueling that negativity. Seeking to tear others down.

I refused to look the “truth” in the eye, which was that I didn’t want to do the work.

I struggled with anxiety. I mean I handled many e-mails. I balanced my finances. I do everything related to my business. I’m a one woman army. I get *laughs* you know, you teleport yourself back 5, 6 years ago, I wouldn’t have believed you. Cause I struggled just to open one e-mail. I struggled just to look at the dollars in my bank account. I struggled just to decide what I wanted to do. And, you know, what kind of food did I want to eat. What, uh, who should I be talking to. Should I go, should I be using my degree for something. I mean, it was…I was already in my prison.  I was already self-sabotaging, addicted to negativity, resisting at every point and turn to see reason. To listen. To listen to other people.

Resistance was a huge part of my life. And as a result of being married to resistance, rather than being married to awareness, I almost lost myself.

Since then I’ve had moments where I imagine something just, ii it.. it’s just a snap.  Just a snap. Moment. A snapshot. Nothing really triggers it, per se.  But it’s this…it reminds me of this haunting feeling of what it felt like to be in that prison. And when I have those moments where I just fooo , float in. I think of railroad tracks. I think of ..if.. if I just..I live a life of choice without a vehicle so I bicycle, and it would just take…I would just have to navigate my bicycle 6  feet into oncoming traffic. Done.

I have moments like that where it’s just so fast.

When we’re overwhelmed, we’re probably creating more work for ourselves than we think we are. Than we’re aware to. And that’s really something I wanted to shed light on. What I experience as an un-diagnosed person.

Never had a diagnosis. Ever.

And sometimes I tell myself, “Well, you don’t have a diagnosis. So, you’re fine! You don’t have a problem. You don’t have issues.”

NO. It’s still part of my health. And for those of you that haven’t gotten, or taken a step in that direction, I feel you, in my own respective way. I feel like I have no merit to be speaking in such a way about my health. I struggled.

I wasn’t always this way [facing my “truth” and owning my past].  I find it so much easier to smile and look past my own insecurities to get along with people from all walks of life, with all different kinds of experiences.

That’s that…benefit of the doubt is something I give out…in truckloads to other people. And I struggled to do that for myself. To give myself the benefit of the doubt. To give myself permission to feel bad and years later here I am. I finally get it. It’s not the ‘bad’ feelings that were tearing me apart, it was my judgment of myself  for having them in the first place.

So, question. I always like ending with a question.

‘If there was a way…to feel…at peace with your past and say…I gave you this magic crayon…and you can use it to re-write something that’s happened in the past and just, ‘this is what happened and now I feel better,’ what would have changed specifically about you for the outcome to be different?

IMG-20200606-WA0003

So, if you could take this crayon. This magic crayon, go into the past and rewrite a memory, er, incident, what is it specifically about you that changed the outcome?

I like asking these questions because there’s not much more we can control outside of ourselves and the sooner we embrace that ‘truth,’ the easier life gets. I don’t want to say easier. The better life gets.

A lot of you are probably really good at weaving a bullshit story. I definitely am an expert at doing that. *laughs* So, catching myself before it gets..too long. You’re weaving that story? Stooooop. Stop it. It’t not worth it.”

Kim Johnson 
Thought Founder of Grounds For Clarity, LLC

7 Replies to “The Magic Crayon.”

  1. Hello! I hope you have been good.

    I have been following your posts for a while now, and I must say, you are worthy to be called a mentor.

    I don’t know if you have seen my blog; http://www.medarchivemagazines.wordpress.com, a new blog, not up to a month old.

    I have dedicated this month solely to mental health articles, please accept my proposal to swap one of my articles with yours, so that we can both increase our number of back links.

    You can choose to give me the topic to write on, but I would prefer something about personality types or disorders.

    I would welcome any article from you as long as it is mental health related and over a thousand words.

    I will be honored if you accept my offer.

    Best Regards!

    Paschal. (Editor: Med Archives Magazine).

    On Fri, Jun 12, 2020, 11:02 PM The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog wrote:

    > Grounds for Clarity posted: ” Read Along: “So, there’s vlog post 3 > [technical difficulties again, sorry] on its way to you, this one right > here. Uh, so the last question I asked was: ‘What is it gonna take for you > to own and take responsibility for your past?’ That doesn’t mea” >

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I really loved this post and it sounds like a lot of things I’ve said or would say. My answer to your question would be along similar logic, I wouldn’t change anything. All those things made me who I am now, I couldn’t say where the line between blessing, lesson, and curse is. It took me realizing how I gave so much compassion or patience or whatever to others and I just berate myself. And so it wasn’t until I realized how unhappy I was making myself that I wanted to stop, but it all had to happen to make me more aware. I could go on for hours. One of my favorite topics. Thank you

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about how this post resonated with you.

    What you are saying makes a lot of sense. Although, if that crayon were to materialize and you could use it to rewrite or alter a memory from the past, you are saying that doing so would have altered who you were as a result of that situation anyway. A moot point. That really makes a lot of sense.

    “And so it wasn’t until I realized how unhappy I was making myself that I wanted to stop, but it all had to happen to make me more aware.”

    Insight and a gentle reminder to us all. Thank you 🙏

    You’re welcome

    Regards,
    Kim.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. ‘What is it gonna take for you to own and take responsibility for your past?’ – this question caught my attention . and made me to ponder upon it. further several points which u mentioned in the blog felt too personal

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I appreciate your sharing what resonated with you.

        It is a very personal post and it may strike chords incredibly intimate for those reading.

        Continue your ponderings. Take care,

        Regards,
        Kim.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s