Vlogcast seven, for the longest time and I feel it’s evident in my vlogcasts previous to this: vlog cast 1 through Vlogcast 6, I have a very heavy tone, I have, I’m very monotone and just recollecting those events I can safely recollect those events because I am actively working through all of that and unpacking all the time and leaning into every single every single trigger I get because I’ve learned how to rewire my brain.
I knew and I was aware that that was a possibility but back then when I was so enmeshed in that heaviness, so shrouded in it, it’s like, it’s like when I don’t know how many of you swim or have been in the ocean but you can you can go really deep and back then I felt like I was really, really deep to the point where it, I almost couldn’t tell which way was up if it weren’t for me just you know letting my body float but it, I just, I couldn’t hold my breath and get up there so I felt like it wasn’t a possibility to be happy.
I was so bogged down I felt like the universe was on my shoulders like I need to help take care of this person, I need to help my family, I need to make sure my grades are well – good- I need to, I need to make sure that I’m taking care of myself and doing things I enjoy, eat foods that make me happy, like it was very checklist e and text bookie and I didn’t know what I was doing and when I over the past couple years when I when I was resisting that I was on that teeter-totter point of resisting that concept that I could be happy and in spite of feeling this way but I can still love and be loved and, and you know just talking about that I want to cry.
Even if I had my Kim 3.0 that’s how I refer to myself now, Kim 3.0, I still have 1.0 and 2.0 inside me anytime. I see 1.0 and 2.0 and even sometimes have mine triggered I remember that at that time I didn’t feel like it was possible to be happy, I didn’t feel like I was worth it to be happy, I didn’t feel like I could smile and have a good time even when I felt like, in the dumps deep in the bowels of the ocean.
I didn’t, it didn’t feel like a possibility and over time, I started to recognize the kinds of energy I was attracting and I said I kept asking myself you know, how come I’m always feeling down, how come the conversations I have are really heavy all the time, is it me, is it, is it me and it wasn’t like, “Oh, it’s my fault. It’s my fault. It wasn’t anger anymore I felt…melancholy, like ah, it’s my fault and I shifted that to realize it clicked for me when I started getting into coaching and raising my awareness to just because I feel a way doesn’t mean I am a way.
That’s when I started to realize oh my goodness this whole time I’ve been setting myself up for minimal, I don’t want to say success but I’m going to say success I was not setting myself up for emotional success and success to me was healing. It’s so, *laughs out loud* I had been so convinced that because I was checking all these boxes off that I was doing pretty well but really I didn’t have the tools to keep myself accountable for the emotional healing that I said I wanted so when I joined, um, when I hired my second Life coach I want to say about September of 2019, I’m already losing track of the years here.
2019 I signed on for a 6 month contract to receive the coaching of a life time. *deeply exhaled and pronounced haaah* every single week it was either I felt depressed or anxious or both. Depressed, anxious or both and it would get to this climax of a breaking point. I was putting a lot of effort we met two times a week and I’m talking about several hours. I couldn’t hide. There’s a difference between couldn’t and wouldn’t. I could have flaked. I could have said yeah I don’t feel well. I had money I had invested so much money out of pocket more than I’ve ever invested in myself ever in my life.
I invested this energy, this money, this energy into something that I believed would help me stay accountable to the emotional healing I wanted. I got I think maybe two or three times I vocalized to the coach I really I feel like I need to quit. I need to leave. I need to drop out. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore and she said, “Look, this kind of breakthrough you wanting… takes effort, conscious effort and you’re doing it firing on all gears right now and to be quite frankly, to be quite frank with you this is the worst time and quitting is the last thing that should be on your mind.” And you know I, I have wept when she said that she could have bought into my story like,
“Oh, yeah it’s really hard isn’t it. No, just it’s okay if you need to leave.”
I can’t like my eyes are getting moist just thinking about that moment it felt like just yesterday I was in a job again back to a part-time job that I hated it and I felt like my self-esteem was in the poop again I was still at home, um, feeling really a degraded sense of self-worth and I was going into debt for this program that I felt like I was this tiny little Krill in this ocean of a vast ocean of other whales: my peers.
I mean I didn’t at the time I didn’t compare myself but now that I see it you know we had our respective projects and journeys and all of that was unraveling in Facebook and for me I feel like,
“Who do you think you are right now? You really think you’re capable of doing this? You’ve never been good in school… you’ve never gotten the grades that were expected of you and look at you you’re not even using your degree?”
So, I felt really completely, completely lost again and I used to think it was this Pie in the Sky *ooooooo* idea of rewiring the brain to, to hack it into focusing on half-glass, glass half-full all the time. I was one of those people that was like *pbbbtt* you know good moments will end eventually so I never enjoyed anything. It wasn’t until probably the last year or so that I started to actually enjoy things again. It was a journey. Lots of crying, lots of relationships, healing, you know in their respective ways. I just… I was one of those that would get so triggered if someone suggested to do something to lift my spirits when someone tried to cheer me up I was very resentful, bitter and aggressive, combative, defensive and it, don’t get me wrong here, I don’t have regrets I do, well, I have no no I don’t have regrets. I am I’m not happy that people got hurt through my healing. I’m not saying that I condone the behavior I had: lashing out, pushing people away, cutting people off, flaking, not responding to people bullying my family, bullying myself. I don’t condone that but to those of you if you know you watch it now or later to those of you that are patient with me and allow me to go through my healing process I appreciate you. It’s been so hard for me to own my healing process. I know I’m not perfect at all and I know there’s no such thing as perfect and for anyone watching: I want you to know that there are really, there are really no right or wrong answers and healing looks different for every single person. I feel you. You’re scared to take that step. You’re scared to improve the situation in your life but I’m telling you even every action has a consequence be it positive or negative and it’s up to you to take that leap of faith and trust that there are no victims, no one is a victim in this world at all.
You’re stronger than you believe and in that process people will get hurt. Pain will happen and it’s inevitable I’m telling you that now. I’ve fought tooth-and-nail to resist the temptation to walk away from relationships, many over the past 10 years. It’s been a battle of my self-worth against people’s love for me and it’s been so touching what saying just thank you for those of you that have trouble accepting a compliment.
Even like today a guy slowed down while he was bicycling and said, “Have a great day.” He kept staring at me and then he said, “You are beautiful.” And you know in the past I would have said you know which finger [in the video I pretend to put up my middle finger], and been very aggressive but I said… I stopped my bike and I turned I said, “You too.”
We’re, we’re so resistant to this concept that we deserve more, that we are actually are bullying our self and that’s something that, um, one of the fellow bloggers put on my last broadcast is that we bully ourselves and we don’t even realize we’re doing it. And I learned in my coaching when you determine that you are your biggest bully you know what you do? You stop, you sit with your bully and you listen to what it’s saying to you? Embrace those pieces of you that interfere: an inner demon, whichever words you want to call it.
I am going to take an intuitive guess that that voice, that bully is one you are taught to silence: how well is that working out for you?
I help my clients, I help my Kindred Spirits get breakthroughs. People that have been through therapy and counseling and talked, talked and talked to people and falls on deaf ears, it’s not easy especially when you have expectations for people to want to hear you, to see you having expectation hurts so much and that’s how I lived for the past 10 years almost 10 years of my life, I had these expectations for people to see me in expectation to be heard, an expectation that people will care. You know what happens when you have expectations, you’re setting yourself up to get disappointed.
That was probably the hardest lesson for me to embrace. So, it is a part of a pretty brief Vlogcast in, um, it took a lot of conscious effort, it took a lot of being responsible for my feelings cause saying sorry for hurting someone, saying sorry for hurting someone’s feelings, it’s squishing what you’ve done. It’s completely undermining any effort you’re putting in for yourself.
I have a suggestion this time not a question. Well, I guess it is kind of a question: how do you feel about being 110% honest with someone that triggers and pushes every button you have and tell them full force how you feel when you two have had that conversation? Write it down. Maybe you don’t even have to send it to them. Own your feelings and don’t apologize. How do you feel about doing something like that? Try it. It’s, it’s most powerful healing when you do a face-to-face as much as you can. It’s so powerful and I was blown away by the kind of feedback I got from my parents particularly my parents from my brother.
It’s probably, probably, is probably the most challenging conversations I’ve ever had in my life is with my parents and my brother because I don’t feel, um, back then I didn’t feel like I had any right to speak my mind and now that I have I’ve loved my family all the more. It’s so fascinating how much of that, how much of that baggage was mine and not theirs and I was taking it out on them.
So, I’m here pouring my heart out to you, you know, don’t wait to be friends with your bully. Bullying your bully is not gonna work, it’s just not gonna work.
If any of you have any questions or you want some feedback and support, um, my website is grounds for clarity. groundsforclarity.com We do offer extensive coaching Services, one-on-one [or] in a group where, you know, we work with *laughs* you and this, it’s going to take a lot of effort, conscious effort and accountability.
And, please consider my suggestion. It doesn’t matter where you are in the world, doesn’t matter how you grew up, your culture: this is for you. For you: not for the relationship, not for the other person — it’s for you. Put yourself first, try, I dare you.”
The suggestion I refer to in the aforementioned paragraph is the being 110% honest about your feelings toward someone, and NOT apologizing, no matter the external outcome. You are on a journey to own your feelings because it is a matter of life, or death. Truly. If we aren’t growing, then we are dying.
Rooting you on every step of the way,
Thought Founder of Grounds For Clarity, LLC