Why do I Feel Okay Being Alone?

Photo by Paul Garaizar on Unsplash

I have been ruminating on this subject for a time, and I am not sure I have a clear answer. I have never been into letting people into my life since my diagnosis. At first, it had a lot to do with the mental illness stigma, but even that is just an excuse. It is becoming one that hiding behind has never really gotten me anywhere.

Truthfully, there is a real fear in my life of letting people into my orbit for fear of making connections, and then people leaving. My life is far from where it was in 2007, but I still have ongoing issues that seem to show up too often in the daily grind that is my own life. There is a part of me that wants to be more open to letting people into my life as James the writer, which is easier to hide behind a persona, but into the life of David, who is always there because he is me.

In my retreat with Grounds for Clarity Thought Founder Kim Johnson, this came up, and it has been haunting me for weeks. I wrote about the retreat experience in the blog post “A Weekend That Changed My Life,” and it has helped me come to terms with the reality, but the practice has been harder to put into place. I avoid people with the best of them, and it is like self-sabotage because I fear that people getting too close means that I am open to people, if that makes sense. I tend to avoid confrontations and also intimacy just with friends because its easier. I struggle to be around people.

The most emotional core feeling was that I was not enough. Not enough to be happy. I was not enough to be with someone that loved me. That we only get one chance at true love and that I had been there, and did that once. It was holding me back. Every relationship since my life I compare to this unicorn idea. I felt that I was not worth anyone’s time at a level that allows people into my life. I needed to be alone.

From: A Weekend That Changed My Life
Photo by Ryan Holloway on Unsplash

If I could figure out precisely the core of my feelings, it would make life easier. I was sitting outside of my house at about midnight, looking up at the stars. A lot happened over the weekend that really got me off-kilter. I was worried about my dad and even had a thought that I might lose him. I could not deal with that, my dad is fine, but it got me thinking. Who do I have to turn to outside of this blog, and the people I have met on the discord channel I am a part of called Community Mental Health Discussions.I started off last week immensely depressed about the six month anniversary of my mom’s death, and I fell off the wagon.

I felt so alone in the world that I honestly thought that I was a burden looking up at those stars. It is not a great way of thinking, and it was not a permanent feeling, but if I am honest, the people in my life have their own lives. Perhaps it is time for me to step outside even more of my comfort zone. Meet people head-on. Connect with the people I am lucky enough that want to be in my life. As impossible as it may seem, I am capable of being a different person than I am now.

My soul is in pain, but as with everything in life, I feel that writing my thoughts is an important step, but things should change. If I am willing to take that step. I will be writing about this a few more times this week as I work through some of my personal hang-ups.

Always Keep Fighting

James

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Featured Picture: Photo by Stefan Spassov on Unsplash

25 Replies to “Why do I Feel Okay Being Alone?”

  1. Beautiful words James. I agree we often are afraid to get close to others because we believe if they get to know who we really are they might then reject or leave us. Equally I think some of us may be afraid of losing someone we might fall in love with. In both cases we are worried about getting hurt. That said I think deep down we know if we can overcome these fears, even if we are rejected, the right person or persons will come into our lives and it will be better for it. With relationships I believe it helps to think in terms of investing. To spread you cash in multiple baskets so to speak. The more relationships you have the less likely it is to sting so badly if one of them turns sour. The more people we let into our lives the bigger the safety net we have. We are always capable of changing ourselves and overcoming the irrational beliefs and thoughts that are holding us back. I have every faith in you James. Your writing tells me you’re extremely personable guy and I’ve no doubt others you let into your circle will feel the same. All the best on your journey. Kind Regards, AP

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I know for sure through doing it myself that a good way to go about ‘figuring ourselves out’ is to meditate. But, I won’t try sell you on it. Instead, if you go on YouTube and look up Dr Joe Dispenza, the recommendations will do the rest.

    When we start to see things as happening for us as opposed to them happening to is, this new perspective opens up a stream of other new perspectives in different areas of our lives. Even with clinical depression I can still say that life is actually pretty good and it is because of meditation that I have been able to go years without medicine. I say all this to encourage you to look up Dr Joe Dispenza.

    At the end of the day, some people just feel better being alone. People can be mean. Alone with a smile is different from alone with a frown and that is where the problem usually comes in.

    Again, meditation will help with putting the circumstances in your life into a clear and sharp perspective. And if you do meditate, continue. We laboir, we wait and because of that patience, we get the results we desire. And we always get results whether negative or positive depending, again, on our perspectives.

    Dr Joe Dispenza. YouTube.
    Mind valley talks. YouTube & website.

    Those have helped me a great deal. Hope they can help you too. 🤗

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Happiness isn’t the destination; it’s the journey💚 I know you’ve had moments when you’ve felt equally as unexpected “good” as you have depressed. When you think about those moments, you change the focus of your entire being. It’s no longer James dreading surviving from one spout of depression to the next… I don’t know what it’s like to walk your truth, but I wholeheartedly believe such things as “small victories” and “accomplished tasks” are among the million little life moments that should be celebrated… And create “happy”. Just my thoughts 💚💚Hugs

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you as always Nova. It’s been a rollercoaster last few months and my emotions are all over the place. I am looking to really focus on the small things in life. Live in the moment and find my happiness.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Glad to hear you are going to start taking steps to let people in, and I wish you all the best in that journey. In my experience, you can find a balance on letting people in and just how much you let them get close to you. You can also start really slow and get a feel for people. To this day, I still have a really hard time letting people in and only truly let one person in completely, my husband. I am often much happier by myself, and a lot of it has nothing to do with people. I just get really bad social anxiety and am super awkward to be around. I am just content with it. Growing up in my generation and seeing the latest generations too, I must admit society doesn’t really make me want to race out and get to know people. I have lost most of my faith in people and would much rather spend my company with the few I do love or animals. I am a negative person though, so don’t take my advice too hard. xD Wishing you all the best and I hope you find someone who loves you as a friend etc and accepts you for you. If they don’t, they are not worth your time and don’t let them burn you. Trust me it isn’t worth it. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for sharing your own experience. I am also dealing with a social anxiety and panic disorder element to my mental illness and so it makes it harder. Your perspective is very helpful on my own journey.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Partnered with my wife and daughter I can feel like this still. This is beautiful dear friend. It’s spot on for people like us. There’s hope in bleeding the thoughts on a page even if it’s digital.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I do prefer the medium of writing. I am transitioning to video blogging in the coming weeks to put myself and my face out there in the world. Thank you for stopping by. Know your not alone.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for being so honest ❤ I can relate to avoiding people for fear that I won't be enough. I think sometimes the smallest of steps is a good way to learn for ourselves that there are people ready to be there for us, ready to care for us, etc. Hope that makes some sense ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Thank you for your honesty. I feel blessed after reading this. My experience is a bit different but maybe not as much as I thought before reading.

    Liked by 1 person

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