I have been ruminating on this subject for a time, and I am not sure I have a clear answer. I have never been into letting people into my life since my diagnosis. At first, it had a lot to do with the mental illness stigma, but even that is just an excuse. It is becoming one that hiding behind has never really gotten me anywhere.
Truthfully, there is a real fear in my life of letting people into my orbit for fear of making connections, and then people leaving. My life is far from where it was in 2007, but I still have ongoing issues that seem to show up too often in the daily grind that is my own life. There is a part of me that wants to be more open to letting people into my life as James the writer, which is easier to hide behind a persona, but into the life of David, who is always there because he is me.
In my retreat with Grounds for Clarity Thought Founder Kim Johnson, this came up, and it has been haunting me for weeks. I wrote about the retreat experience in the blog post “A Weekend That Changed My Life,” and it has helped me come to terms with the reality, but the practice has been harder to put into place. I avoid people with the best of them, and it is like self-sabotage because I fear that people getting too close means that I am open to people, if that makes sense. I tend to avoid confrontations and also intimacy just with friends because its easier. I struggle to be around people.
The most emotional core feeling was that I was not enough. Not enough to be happy. I was not enough to be with someone that loved me. That we only get one chance at true love and that I had been there, and did that once. It was holding me back. Every relationship since my life I compare to this unicorn idea. I felt that I was not worth anyone’s time at a level that allows people into my life. I needed to be alone.From: A Weekend That Changed My Life
If I could figure out precisely the core of my feelings, it would make life easier. I was sitting outside of my house at about midnight, looking up at the stars. A lot happened over the weekend that really got me off-kilter. I was worried about my dad and even had a thought that I might lose him. I could not deal with that, my dad is fine, but it got me thinking. Who do I have to turn to outside of this blog, and the people I have met on the discord channel I am a part of called Community Mental Health Discussions.I started off last week immensely depressed about the six month anniversary of my mom’s death, and I fell off the wagon.
I felt so alone in the world that I honestly thought that I was a burden looking up at those stars. It is not a great way of thinking, and it was not a permanent feeling, but if I am honest, the people in my life have their own lives. Perhaps it is time for me to step outside even more of my comfort zone. Meet people head-on. Connect with the people I am lucky enough that want to be in my life. As impossible as it may seem, I am capable of being a different person than I am now.
My soul is in pain, but as with everything in life, I feel that writing my thoughts is an important step, but things should change. If I am willing to take that step. I will be writing about this a few more times this week as I work through some of my personal hang-ups.
Always Keep Fighting
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