My Dark Thoughts Weekend

Photo by Steve Halama on Unsplash

If I am honest. It’s been weeks of these thoughts, but they came at me hard today. I have tried to hide them, but I can feel the familiar feeling that accompanies these thoughts. It’s the dark place that I am always afraid of never leaves someone like me. The thoughts that I wish were in the past, but I am unsure of myself when things are this bad. This weekend was scary. I was not myself. I was going through the motions knowing where my mind was, and today it took me over. Those thoughts that I cannot even speak because then it becomes real.

My mental health has always been ironic. I celebrated ten years of suicidal thoughts and my last suicide. I can say that before today I would never go down that road again, and yet I did. I imagined the world without me. I got lost in all that is wrong with me right now. The feelings I am not dealing with on all levels. These thoughts are gone or perhaps that is what I tell myself so that I can wake up tomorrow and try to find the normal.

I have my doctor’s appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow (Monday), and it is a good thing. I have to let her know that these thoughts have become a part of me again. I needed time off this weekend, and I didn’t seize the opportunity. I looked at everything and fell apart. I want to drink my troubles away like the old days. I want to just feel that beyond this blog, I can talk about these things. Tonight I go to sleep genuinely trying to find out where I am in this life. There is always tomorrow and the hope that I can have a conversation with my doctor. The Bipolar Writer is not in the right place, but I am safe. I will not allow these thoughts to consume. It might be a temporary weakness or a bigger problem, but I will continue to fight.

I can fight this demon. MY dark passenger. MY friend.

Always Keep Fighting

James

You can visit the author site of James Edgar Skye here.

Purchase The Bipolar Writer: A Memoir here.

Become a Patron of James Edgar Skye and be a part of his writing here: Become a Patron!

Photo by Cherry Laithang on Unsplash

37 Replies to “My Dark Thoughts Weekend”

  1. Yesterday is History; tomorrow, a mystery but today is a Gift. That is why they call it the Present.

    Try to stay in the here and now and not dwell on the past, you’re not going that way. Your story is not yet finished. Take a deep breath and lets move forward together. You are not alone. Luna x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So glad this is your safe place to share. You always remind us to keep fighting and now you need to. I’m so sorry that losing your mother and then having this scary and frustrating crisis hit is overwhelming. You can do this! Just one moment at a time. KEEP FIGHTING. Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was the worst feeling in the world to find myself once again in those feelings. I thought I had evolved past those type of not wanting to be part of the world thoughts. I still have a lot of growing to do.

      Like

  3. It is amazing how writing helps never thought it possible until lately, hope all goes well and today is better then yesterday.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. Letting my doctor know where my thoughts are is something different but I am determined to do the right things this time around.

      Like

  4. Keep fighting, new friend. Your blog is really helpful to me and certainly many others. Hope the appointment goes well.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Good Luck at your appointment. Thank you for sharing as well. It is always hard and helpful to read but we, you are not alone! One step in front of the other. A little at a time. Thank you again for being here. Thank you for your bravery. I can’t say it enough. Be well.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I hope you have a good appointment, it can be tough being honest with therapists and psychiatrists but it’s well worth it. Good for you for sharing this with us. Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ll say a prayer for you.

    Like

  8. Keep fighting! Stay strong! I look up to you for speaking up and not keeping these thoughts to yourself. Especially if you have to go to the hospital. It sucks how these thoughts come out of no where. The only reason I’m still alive is because I’m the only person my granny has, because my little cousin needs me, and because no one will love my dog like I do. Life is hard but it has gotten a lot easier for me with the right medication. I hope your doctor appointment went well and I hope things get easier for you. I don’t always follow your post but I did but your book. My replies might not be up to date with your life. I hope you have a good day.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m so sorry you had that bad day. I hope things are on the upswing for you now. Have you been able to figure out anything specific that might have caused this ?

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s